Confessions of an ex-slasher

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by dressed-to-depress, Nov 24, 2007.

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  1. I used to self-harm quite a lot, since my teens really. My tool of choice was usually the razor blade.
    I guess I did it as it was my only outlet, when you bottle things up it feels like your head is going to explode and cutting myself up was something that I could control and something I could channel my feelings into. In some kind of warped way I felt like I deserved it as I considered myself a completely worthless human being, but more than that, it made me feel like i was alive or perhaps reminded me that I was still alive.

    I was fairly cold and calculated about the whole process, sometimes even going to the bother of sterilizing the blades and my arm with surgical spirit beforehand to reduce the risk of infection. I know that probably sounds wierd, but I didn't want anyone to know what I was doing and if I had started getting infections it would have been difficult to hide.
    I'd also have a plastic bag to catch all the blood and stop it going on the floor, it would be easier to hide afterwards.
    I'd start at my wrist and once I started wouldn't stop until I reached my shoulder, if there were any areas on my arm that weren't cut then i didn't feel like I had done a proper job.

    The underlying causes and self-hatred don't go away, but in recent years I have been able to resist the temptation to cut.

    I've never really disgussed what I used to do with anyone before so I've no idea why the hell I'm talking about it on a public forum! I suppose it's easier to have a certain amount of brutal honosty when you are admitting things anonomously to people that you don't know.

    I'm also curious as to whether or not anyone else identifies with what I used to do? I should also point out that I'm a bloke which I'm sure puts me in the minority of people who self-harm. In my experience it seems to be mostly girls that do it?

    I'm interested to know just how much in the minority I am and how many other men have cut, or at least are willing to admit to having done it?
  2. riz

    riz Senior Member

    I definitely know how that feels. When I self-harm, it was mostly because I had a lot of bottled up feelings that I needed to get out. I also feel like I'm trying to punish myself. I'm accustomed to feeling worthless, and it's my way of proving it to myself. The blood that I see and that comes from my cuts DOES prove that I'm alive, no matter how numb I feel. That's the connections I see between our stories.

    The first time that I told anyone was actually a close friend of mine. What I didn't predict was his negative reaction. Instead of sticking by me through the hard times, he ran because he felt overwhelmed by my shocking confession. I was distraught to say the least--and sometimes I think it may have been better if I had come here first.

    But, I have to say that I'm jealous of him. At least he was able to escape the problem. I've had to deal with it my whole life.

    I definitely identify with what you used to do. I still do it. In my experience, it has been a lot of guys coming forward, but mostly girls like you said. I'm not sure why that is. Is it perhaps because guys don't like to come forward with such sensitive information?

    Stay safe, and take shelter in the fact that there are plenty of people out there that can relate to your situation. It's good to know you have pals on this side of things.

    With love,
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