I used to self-harm quite a lot, since my teens really. My tool of choice was usually the razor blade. I guess I did it as it was my only outlet, when you bottle things up it feels like your head is going to explode and cutting myself up was something that I could control and something I could channel my feelings into. In some kind of warped way I felt like I deserved it as I considered myself a completely worthless human being, but more than that, it made me feel like i was alive or perhaps reminded me that I was still alive. I was fairly cold and calculated about the whole process, sometimes even going to the bother of sterilizing the blades and my arm with surgical spirit beforehand to reduce the risk of infection. I know that probably sounds wierd, but I didn't want anyone to know what I was doing and if I had started getting infections it would have been difficult to hide. I'd also have a plastic bag to catch all the blood and stop it going on the floor, it would be easier to hide afterwards. I'd start at my wrist and once I started wouldn't stop until I reached my shoulder, if there were any areas on my arm that weren't cut then i didn't feel like I had done a proper job. The underlying causes and self-hatred don't go away, but in recent years I have been able to resist the temptation to cut. I've never really disgussed what I used to do with anyone before so I've no idea why the hell I'm talking about it on a public forum! I suppose it's easier to have a certain amount of brutal honosty when you are admitting things anonomously to people that you don't know. I'm also curious as to whether or not anyone else identifies with what I used to do? I should also point out that I'm a bloke which I'm sure puts me in the minority of people who self-harm. In my experience it seems to be mostly girls that do it? I'm interested to know just how much in the minority I am and how many other men have cut, or at least are willing to admit to having done it?