Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by William, Oct 30, 2007.

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  1. William

    William Banned Member

    Hello, to all the members on the forum. As you have already and obviously know; my name is William. I have been a member on this forum since the year two thousand and four, on the month of September. That means I have been a member on this forum for over three years. I used to be friends with many of the people who are members on the forum, until the month of August, in the year two thousand and six. I have decided to end all my friendships with them. I want to explain why I have done it, therefore, if any of them are reading this, he or she will understand. The first thing I want to say is that I do not dislike anyone on the forum; I have left the forum for personal reasons. I have become a member on the forum, because I was suffering from depression and having suicidal tendencies. I wanted to meet people who were caring, loving, generous, helpful, sensitive, compassionate, forgiving, good-tempered, kind, tolerant, and open-minded. When I have joined the forum, my wants were fulfilled. I have met many people who had possessed those abovementioned qualities on this forum. I never knew that becoming emotionally attached to someone whom one knows exclusively on the Internet was possible. I have developed wonderful relationships with the members. This was the only group of people to whom I was close. I was part of other groups, but no group has affected my life more than this group. The members who were my friends cared about me very much. I never thought that someone, besides one's family members would have the ability to care for someone who is not a member of his or her family, very much. During my relationships with them, I was being cruel to them. I was typing unkind, derogatory, and offensive words to them. I was sending disrespectful messages and electronic mail to them. I was worrying them, because of my unacceptable behavior. Despite my offensiveness towards them, they continue to be my friend and care about me. There were times when I would be rude to them on purpose to get them to despise me. I was unsuccessful attempting that. No matter how I was to them, they would continue to love me. I have threatened to abandon the forum many times, but failed. Every time, I have left the forum, I would return. I was also trying to get the other members, specifically, the moderators and the administrators to ban me. Most of the moderators and administrators were my friends at that time. They have told me that they would not, unless I do something that is extremely offensive. Since, I was a nice person, I could not do anything extremely offensive, because I did not want to cause anyone to be in great pain. I wanted everyone to abhor me, so, it would be easier for me to leave the forum and stop communicating with them at all; I was unsuccessful trying to do that too. What surprised me was that no matter how difficult I have tried to get my friends to detest me, I would fail horribly. I have threatened to leave the forum a great number of times, but, I was psychologically attached to the members, and kept returning. I have caused some pain to some of the members, and I am not proud of that in any manner. When I have left on August of last year, my absence was lengthy. I would send only Robin, electronic mail, and ignore all the other members. I am going to explain in detail why I have left. I was fearful of harming the members on the forum, that I have decided to leave the forum, therefore, preventing myself from hurting any of them again. I have also left because I did not want to admit to any of the members that I have lied to them. If my admittance was known to them, they would probably become more hurt, and I did not want to be responsible for that. I was also ashamed of myself, because I have not been as truthful to them in the fashion that I have wanted to be. None of them knew that, and it was best that they did not know, so, they would not view me with contempt or disdain. I was being mean, because I was accusing many of them of dishonesty, when, I, myself, was being dishonest to them, and they have no knowledge of it. I have broken promises; I was lying to them, and I was beginning to believe in my own lies; I was in denial. I was in pain, knowing that I was lying to them. I was using exaggerations, and half-truths. I was suicidal and depressed, but I was using my own depression and suicidal tendencies to obtain attention from all the members. People who are usually seeking for attention are not depressed and/or suffering from possessing suicidal ideations. I was actually depressed and was constantly having suicidal thoughts, but, simultaneously, I was using that to seek attention, especially negative attention from the members, and I was highly successful. I think it is rare for someone who is depressed and suicidal, and using his or her depression and suicidal tendencies and thoughts to seek unfavorable attention. I was utilizing subterfuge in some of my threads, electronic mail, messages, and replies. The message in some of them was that I was being dishonest to the members, but, I did not want the members to know them explicitly; so, I have decided to use subtlety in my messages, electronic mail, replies, and threads. I was concealing my actual message, and none of the members had discovered it. If they have had discovered the actual message, they would be shocked and might want to avoid me. I was making accusations that the members were being cruel, dishonest, unhelpful, insensitive, selfish, unsympathetic, uncaring, and unloving, when I was displaying the same characteristics. In other words, I was being hypocritical. I was deliberately creating negative threads, so that, I would obtain more responses towards the threads. My effort was arduous, but, I did not fail at all. I was using excessive obscenities to attract attention to my friends; I was being rude to attract attention; I was being cruel to attract attention; I was being offensive to attract attention. I have gotten the attention that I have thought that I deserve, and my plan was functioning properly. I have broken many promises, and that is why I am currently typing this message. I made a promise to someone that I was never going to return on the forum, and engage in interaction with any of its members. I failed, and he has forgiven me. I should thank him for giving me another opportunity to be an active member on the forum. I was using my inordinate display of emotions and feelings, to manipulate others' emotions and feelings; so, that they can have pity for me. I wanted everyone to think of me as a pathetic human being. I have accomplished that by being very emotional and sensitive. I am ashamed of myself for committing those acts, but, I cannot go back in time, so, I have to deal with it. I was complaining constantly about my problems, but, never attempt to find a solution to any of them. I was relying on people to help me, instead of myself. When I have started to rely only on myself, that is when the problems begin to vanish. I have eliminated most of the problems, that were related to depression. I stopped complaining, and was highly exasperated in regards to the problems. I finally decided to repair myself psychologically. I did not have to succumb to failure. When I have ceased returning to the forum for an indefinite amount of time, last year, I was planning on helping myself, without the assistance of anyone. I have discontinued my friendships with virtually everyone, offline and online. I was sending electronic mail to my offline friends stating that I did not want to be their friend anymore. I send messages to some of the members on this forum stating that I do not want to be their friend anymore. I did not send a message to all of the members on the forum, because that would take great effort to do so. I have abandoned the forum, and almost ended all my close relationships with others. I was alone, with almost no friends, and I was enjoying that time by myself. During the next six months, I was beginning to feel lonely, and have regretted making that decision. I wish I have not done that, and now, because of my fault, I hardly had any friends. I was lonely, because I wanted to become an active member on the forum again, but, did not know how any of the members felt about me. I was afraid that everyone hated me for what I have done to them, and was fearful of returning to the forum. I did not want to endure any negativity that the members might display towards me. I have decided that it was best that I remain an inactive member on the forum, and make certain that I do not communicate with any of the members in any fashion, by employing the following: the telephone, electronic mail, private messages, instant messengers, and other web sites and/or forums. After a few more months, I have decided to send the super administrator electronic mail, explaining my situations. I thought he would execrate me, but he did not. He was benignant towards me, as he has always been. I have asked him if I could be an active member on his forum again, and his answer was affirmative. If his answer had been negative, this message on this forum would not be in subsistence. He had reactivated my account, because over two years ago, I purposely botched my account, for the reason that, I was trying to prevent myself from establishing a connection to it; therefore, preventing myself, from sending private messages to the other members, and preventing them from sending me any messages. Since, now, I am an active member, I am going to endeavor with my best of my efforts to be a better friend, and a person on the forum. I am not going to be disrespectful anymore. I am not going to tell anymore lies. I am not going to be intentionally malevolent to the other members. I am not going to try to cause pain to them, to hurt them in a way, so that they can hate me. It is only if my former friends give me another opportunity to befriend them again, and to be in their lives once more. The next sentences are for those I have hurt, those who know me, and those of whom I have knowledge. I apologize for being the way that I was, and for hurting all of you. I am sorry that I was not always an excellent friend to you. I apologize for all the lies I have told; for all the times I have caused you pain. I apologize for applying profanity and being derogatory towards all of you. I apologize for being a despicable, contemptible, and malicious person. I apologize for being exceedingly and unneccessarily emotional to obtain attention. I apologize for bringing forth, negativity in our conversations. I just hope that all of you can forgive me, and allow me to be in your friend once more, because, I am going to make sure, that this time, I will be a much better friend, than I previously had been, during the last few years. I am also a different person. My personality, attitude, behavior, and morals have changed. I am a more kind, compassionate, loving, caring, generous, helpful, tolerant, sensitive, forgiving, and broad-minded individual. I am not suicidal anymore, and I am somewhat depressed. I am not as depressed as I used to be, and I have helped myself with my depression without the assistance of medication, therapy, non-related human beings, mental health hospitals, and my family. Very soon, my depression will become gone, and I will be very joyous. I appreciate and love my life, and do not blame any of my difficulties on anyone, but myself. I do not have suicidal ideas, anymore. I am a more responsible individual, and I am beginning to be more optimistic and positive. I am more amiable, and less concerned with physical appearances. I am focusing more on my morals. I have augmented my intelligence, and my vocabulary and grammar skills have improved significantly. The difference in the manner which I type, speak, and write, is that I use English which is semi-formal, as well as, occasionally, formal, even in situations that are informal. A great amount has changed concerning myself, since, I have not been communicating with any member, with the exception of Robin, during the past few months. I am going to adhere to what I have said to Robin and to myself. I have not forgotten about any of you. You want proof that I have not forgotten about any of you. Here is the proof:

    Some people, I know only by their screen names. Here are the following people whom I know, or think I know, and the people with whom I chat in any way on and off the forum a large amount of times:

    Tracie, Sarah, Robin, Debby, Josh, Crystal, Danii, Sarah, Chrissy, Steve, Sarah, Cadie, Mal, Lydnsey, Alex, Hard Climb, Liam, Kim, KitaJ, Mike, Jessica, Christina, Laura, Crazy, Kelly, Cindy, Rab, Paul, Kurt, Danny, James, Zak, Rick, Gin, Lizzy, Hazel, Jenn, Catherine, Jenny, Jodi, Beret, Bunny, Ari, Jasper, Babs, Luliby, Paul, Sammie, Gothic Prince, Colleen, Carolyn, Helena, Magaret, Debbie, Mia, Aba, Jen, and Bath.

    Wow! Over sixty people.
    I wonder how many of you still remember me?
    I had over fifty friends?
    Gee Whiz!
    Hold on! I am confused.
    The names that are mentioned more than one time are not mistakes. It means that I have met many members on the forum who share similar names.
    If I kept going that at that rate, I would have had over five hundred friends by now.
    The names that are mentioned are all of the people with whom I used to chat regularly or more than three times a week.
    I have not forgotten any names. I am ninety-nine percent sure that I have not forgotten any names.

    Back to the topic - I want to say regardless of how any of you feel about me; if it is negative or positive, I will always care about and love each and every one of you. No matter what you have done, I still love and care about you. Although, your feelings regarding me might not be extremely affectionate, or loving, or highly favorable. I will love you, even if you despise me. I am a theistic agnostic, but I have gotten some of my morals from the Holy Bible. A very useful and comprehensive book, I must say. It is also a book that might influence me to transform my beliefs one day. Since, I am very open-minded to other doctrines and systems of beliefs.

    One of the verses in the Holy Bible, states that one should love those, even if those hate him or her. I do not know which verse it is though.

    Simply put, I love all of you. There, I said it, and it was hard (laughing out loud).

    It was also difficult for me to admit all of this to you, but, since, now, I have, a burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

    This is the first thread I have formed in over a year.
  2. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    I remember you, but I don't know if you remember me. We only spoke about once or twice all in all.... but I do of course recognise nearly all the names you have listed. In case you are wondering, only some of these people are still here... others have moved on. But if you wait around, someone will reply to this thread.
  3. William!

    William! Guest

    There was a mistake in that thread. I supposed to have sixty-eight names mentioned on it; not fifty-eight. I think I have accidentally omitted some words on it as well. I understand that many of these people probably do not come on the forum anymore. I might know you, but am not very certain. I am good with only the names of people; not their screen name. I can remember more names than screen names. If you tell me your name, I will most likely know it. The original one had over sixty names, and when I read it again on this forum, the rest of the names were not mentioned. It is as if, the other ten names just disappeared. I would name more people, but I only mentioned the names of people to whom I talk more than two times. If I mentioned the names of those to whom I talk one or two times, I would have to list over two hundred names. It does not matter that much to me, if anyone replies to this thread or not. It only matters if the abovementioned people have read it thoroughly. I feel much better knowing that I have finally confessed these thoughts. I am also risking being hated by those people as well, but I will have the ability to endure it. I still love them, and always will. No matter how much any of them, or if all of them despise me. The purpose of this thread is to finally tell everyone whom I think I know very well and/or remotely, what my motives were, being the way I was, ever since I was a member on this forum. There are many new people on this forum, and only the new members might read this. Which would ruin the purpose of this message, because I wanted only those whom I know, or think I know, to read it. This message is to the people who were members between August of 2004 to August of 2006. After August of 2006, that is when I stopped communicating with all the members, except the super administrator. My job here is done, and I have finally got this off my chest. Now, I can move on with my life, and make it as enjoyable as possible.
  4. Sarah

    Sarah SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    I remember you Will. I dont come on here very often as i usually only have access to a computer for less than half an hour a day. However i have missed chatting with you. I want you to know that i did reply to the email you sent me a couple months ago but you had already cancelled the email address. Anyway as i said before i will always consider you a friend. I dont come on here as often as i did before but i just wanted you to know i still care. :hug:
  5. MiaLovesYa

    MiaLovesYa Guest

    Hey!! I am so glad I decided to check the forums today. I don't come here anymore. I've sabotaged my account also. lol! But I am actually so busy on so many things these days. And maybe you don't realize it but you said some kind and encouraging things to me so don't be too hard on yourself. You actually helped me. You have never hurt me in anyway. In fact you were kind to me as far as I remember.

    I knew you had lied but I didn't see a reason to hold that against you. I went through a stage like that when I was a teenager. For me it was because no one would listen to my real problems so I made some problems up. But of course it didn't help me with what was really going on and I learned quickly it wasn't worth it. I guess for me I didn't realize that my life was a bad as it was because it was all I knew but I look back now and realize it's amazing all the things I have survived and am still surviving. I am thankful for all that it has taught me.

    Enough rambling about me though. I am just so happy I checked the forum and saw this thread and touched that you mentioned me. I didn't expect that and it brought a big smile to my face.

    If you wanna stay in touch hopefully you still have my email and also you can message justaguy in private and he can give it to you along with my facebook and myspace and numerous websites if you want them.

    You are definately in my list of friends! You have been all along! hug!!!!!
  6. sadsong

    sadsong Staff Alumni

    Hi Will, it's good to see you back :) I remember you dearly and that post must have taken a lot of effort to write, and i know that many will appreciate it. I don't generally post much around here any more but often look in. Send me a pm if you want a chat. Hope you're ok. Lizzy. xx
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I also remember you. As the others have mentioned, it is good to see you once again. Thank you for taking the time to express the things you did. I know that it was not an easy task. Please take cae and know we are here for you too. :hug:
  8. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Hey Will, its good youre back. We all make mistakes in life, dw, welcome back.
    Love :hug:
    Beret xxx
  9. MiaLovesya!

    MiaLovesya! Guest

    Just dropped by to give you some big hugs!!!!!
  10. William!

    William! Guest

    Mia, I was going to give you my permanent electronic mail address, but, I almost forgot that this forum is indexable by web crawlers, web spiders, or web robots, from most major search engines, such as, and web directories, such as

    Mia, if you want my electronic mail address, consult the super administrator. He is the only member on this forum, who has it.

    This message was not meant to be in the public section on this forum, but, since, you have somehow ruined your registration account pertaining to this forum, I could not send it to you by sending you a private message. Although, the private messaging system to my account is not enabled.

    My electronic mail address is permanent. I am going to keep it forever. You do not have to worry about me ever deleting it.

    If we continue to be friends, I am going to be an excellent friend towards you. Since, I have "reveal the skeletons in my closet, or display my dirty laundry" on the forum, I feel that I will have the ability to begin establishing a good relationship with some of the members.

    I also have a MySpace account and an account for America Online Instant Messenger; if you want that, send me an electronic mail.

    The super administrator is always giving me chances; I am lucky to have him in my life.
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