Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Freya, Dec 25, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    For the longest time I believed that I should die - for the simplest reason; that I am impossible to love. I believed, sincerely, that there was no possible way to be happy in this world because it was simply not possible to love me.

    And then it seemed maybe I was wrong. And I slowly slowly came to believe it. And I slowly slowly came to consider a future that it might be worth living for.

    And it seems I was right all along. I am impossible to love.


    Anything else I say here would get my post deleted so I will not. No timelines, no methods.

    But thank you to the people here who have been nice to me. I hope you all find happiness.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support


    I don't think you're impossible to love. Your kindness to others is what I think of when I think of you! What's been happening to make you feel you are somehow "impossible to love"?

    Please, stay safe and strong. The heat of the moment, when are feeling down and telling ourselves bad things about ourselves, is not the time to decide life and death questions.

    Please think of the good person you are and what having you means to those of us who know and care about you. :arms:
  3. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    You are most definitely NOT impossible to love. I know this with absolute certainty.

    I think about you more than you would believe. I talk about you to people I love. My family, and others, have asked me how you are because I have talked about you and they care about the people I care about.

    You may have loved and lost. You may have loved and been hurt. You may have been loved and not see it, or feel it, right now or ever.

    But this I know: your capacity for love is vast. And people are loved because they are capable of loving, and people love because they are capable of being loved.

    I don't know whether love is infinite or immortal. But I know there is more love out there for you than you can see right now. And I pray that you stick around, and I pray that you find it.

    You are deserving, and helpful, and loyal, and kind, and wise, and intelligent, and beautiful, and much more besides.

    This is not the be all for your life. This is not the end. I will keep telling you this until you believe it. And I will keep praying that you will believe it.

  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author


    Thank you for your reply. I try to be kind, try to be nice - but the end truth is that there is something very very wrong with me on a basic/fundamental level. I know how irrational that sounds, but it is simply true.

    The one person who had ever even been able to give it a try - in the end he simply could not. Not enough. Not really at all.

    I have absolutely no interest in the rest of my life this way. And there is nobody in the world it would affect.

    Yesterday I basically ended two of my longest friendships - making a stand for love instead - so it stands to reason that today, having thrown away the only real life friends I have really - that Christmas would bring this. Making a stand for love - how unbelievably fucking stupid. My stupidity never fails to amaze me.
  5. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    If they are true real life friends, then they will not bear a grudge; you will be able to go to them and find support. True friends (real life or otherwise) will not gloat in the face of your pain. Will not rejoice in their vindication. They will be sorry to have been right. They will be sorry to see you in pain. xx
  6. Lost

    Lost Staff Alumni

    No one it would effect?
  7. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member


    I know that you and I have not always seen eye to eye on things and some things we will never see eye to eye on... that being said, I don't think you are inherently a "bad person" or that you "cannot be loved". I know you said that you had a falling out with a longtime friend, is that where this is coming from? Can you tell us a bit about what is going on to cause these feelings to return? Sounds kinda like you are in a similar situation I am... there are certain negative things that were said so often to me, that I have to constantly push those things back, but if one thing that I see/perceive as being wrong happens, I fail in that fight a lot... is that kinda similar to your situation?
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Freya, I have seen an unmistakable example of how good your heart is. Therefore, have seen your love in action. I can tell you that you absolutely have a good heart.

    I also know what it feels like to judge myself. I know what it feels like to condemn myself and to be in great pain. I know the feeling of no hope regarding who I am. So I cannot argue with how you are feeling about yourself.

    A locally well known and respected shaman once told me that we all have a dark side. I do agree with her. I think that when we see ourselves through that side (which I do believe we all have), we will judge ourselves... our actions and circumstances according to that lens. And don't I know that lens ! But it is not the totality of who I am. Even though when I am looking through that lens, it completely appears to be that way.

    I see the light of you. It is there. Even when the lens of pain, judgement, and all that encompasses, obscures it. It is there. I can assure you of that. And it is very good and light. I AM very sorry for the great pain you are in at this time. :hug:
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support


    Relationships can be difficult to navigate. There is no straight path to love and being loved. There is no magic formula. Everyone has a mix of traits and qualities - some good, some not so good, some just "not a fit" with a particular someone else.

    I find you to be caring, kind, compassionate, funny, gentle, intelligent. Those are all good things. Loveable traits.

    Bad experiences can make us feel and even believe that we are not loveable, that we have some fundamental flaw, something terribly wrong with us that makes us unloveable. Bad experiences with principal partners/caregivers can leave us feeling doubtful that we are worthwhile. It's important to focus on our good points and to recognize and work on our lesser points. But the good points are most important as they can give us the sense of self and pride that we base our self-image on.

    You are fundamentally as deserving of love as the next person. Love yourself right now if there is no one else to love you. It provides a guide for how you want others to respond to you.

    No, it doesn't erase the situation you are currently dealing with, but it does give you reasons to continue trying. You have yourself to care for. You are important. You could show the world how important you are by being really good to yourself.

    I'm thinking of you and sending hugs. :arms:
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope hun you stayed safe ok please because as said many of us here see your kindness go good your ability to love others and to be loved we see that h un Right now you do not see it because you are in so much pain Please hun stay here ok with us the ones that can give you support you need through the pain hugs
  11. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Thank you for your replies. I will not pretend that I am okay - I will not even pretend that I see 'okay' as a possibility right now. But I am doing everything possible to keep myself safe. I will not hurt him by hurting myself, however much I may long for some 'other' kind of pain. He is a good man - the best man I know - and more than anything else it is the loss of his friendship that has left me reeling.

    I am seeing a doctor today - hospital yesterday - I am reaching out for help but it seems that, where I am in the UK at least, none exists. Not without months of being on a waiting list. I have contacted and arranged some therapy through the health care provided by work - while it is only a half dozen sessions it is a start and it is soon.

    I understand the theory of 'loving yourself' - I just do not know if agree with it, or indeed if I believe it is possible. Could you believe the grass is green if everyone you ever met claimed it to be red?

    I am trying - really trying. All I can hope is that he sees that and considers being simply my friend if nothing else.
  12. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    ((Freya)) do not know all your story and may not be able to ever know it all.. but do care very much for your welfare and safety now.. I have lost some dear ppl in my life and know you are hurting very badly these days.. hon, you are loved right here on this website.. please do remember that always.. hope the system does give you some real help soon..

    I do not pray much but everyone once in a while just like now I am going to close my eyes and pray that you do get that help and able to stay safe.. help Freya , my lord!!!
  13. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Freya,I am glad that you are getting a little bit of help. I just hope it can lead to more help before long. I have heard that MIND can help people sometimes to get the help they need.... when other doors to help seem to be closed. Perhaps that would be an option for you.

    I am hoping that this horribly painful time brings the beginning of something new and better. Because you surely do deserve all that is good. :hug:
  14. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I am glad to hear you are doing all you can to stay safe. Are you sure you've permanently and totally lost his friendship? Sometimes with break ups, we have to distance ourselves for awhile... but after a bit we can maintain some lvl of friendship.....
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.