I'm a defective little shit. I 'm short. I slouch. My operation left me with a limp. Now my throat has lumps in it. What the fuck. It's not the physical things. It's mental. It's hard for me to give a shit about anything and everybody. I have anxiety that makes me feel so weak and pathetic. I have those lumps to thank for that. Nobody understands my humor because it's fucking cruel. If anybody knew what I really thought of them, they would all hate me. It's not my fault. I try to accept those faults because I do love them. I swear I don't hate them. I don't mean to think negatively of them. I swear. I feel like such a fucking liar. I don't mean to lie because I do care about them. When I say I hate everybody it's because the only people who had my goddess broke her heart and left her with emotional scars. I never had that chance and I want it badly more than anything. That's not to say that I wont be there for her if she says no. I'm there for her no matter what. Foolish. She is one of the primary reasons for this rage I have and I hate living with it because it makes me cry. It's not simply her because so much was going on at the time she did that. My mother was a total bitch to me. Always saying I look stupid when I would take a guitar to school to jam with friends or how I dressed. She would always challenge me to fights and shit. So would my sisters. I remember my mother choking me because I made a joke about her husband at the time. She told my brothers to leave the room and she pushed me on the bed and choked me. I left the room crying and shaking. My brothers kept asking what was wrong but I was crying to much to say anything. I honestly think she did that because of my father.All I have to say is that bitch had it coming when my father beat her. Once we were arguing before I was going to school and she kept pushing me into the door so I pushed her back. She said "You're just like your dad.". No. I am not like him. I am better than him because I don't need alcohol and to abuse others to feel good about myself. I have real goals. I am smarter and I don't use stupid thug antics. I will never rob a store for fucking magazines and beer. My older sisters were bitches too. They would always start fights with me too. Especially the bitch I live with now. She wonders why I really give her shit when she argues with me but the past should make it obvious. Then when the sister in the army visits it gets so awkward because I fucking hate her too. The only people who didn't try to start fights with me were my brothers. I remember having an argument with one and he said "I don't want to fight you bro". That almost made me cry because nobody in that stupid fucking family has ever said that to me. Although he had pointed a gun at me but that was understandable because I said I was going to stab him when we got into a heated argument. He was on drugs at the time.
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