Confrontation - the last word

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by TBear, Apr 18, 2010.

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  1. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    I am going to the grave of my parents tomorrow with my therapist...
    Nervous, it has taken lots of work to get to this point

    I have put together an arrangement of long thorn bush branches with one lone rose in the middle - and attached messages to the branches:

    Buried here: A sadistic pedophile who stole his children's innocence and inflicted pain beyond words to describe

    Buried here: The mother who turned a blind eye to her children's pain and made every excuse for cruelty

    May he be cursed for every tear his children couldn't cry...for to cry or beg mercy only fueled his cruelty to more horrific levels...

    To the outside world: charismatic and upstanding, picture perfect citizens...ideal family...False - whitewashed tomb, hiding death and destruction

    Within the home: beatings and rapes, torturous abuses, Incest...Incomprehensible to any decent person

    The cycle ends here! This heritage of filth no longer holds me captive. A rose now blooms from the thorns of pain you have inflicted...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i hope this brings some closure to your pain and that now you will be able to feel peace and healing remember just how strong it took to get you this far
    oh you are a very special person take care
  3. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    You are very kind! The responses from you and many here at SF helped me through lots of times. It has helped to move me past hating, and blaming myself - to hating life, but having some compassion for myself.

    I had to look at the many traumas, rapes..etc. Had to tell my story, and feel the pain. Took working thru the losses, mourning, grief. It is so hard for me to turn the anger outward to the perpetrators where it belongs... Don't know how I will do today - so scared, even though I know they are dead.

    I never really had a chance. There is nothing a 3 year old or 5 year old or even a 10 year old can do.. and that was all I was taught - no wonder I didn't know how to choose a husband who would treat me nicely - The only men I have ever been related to/ lived with.... have been my rapists.

    Thank G-d I know better now. Still have lots of work, but I hope I can now leave this piece of it behind. After 4 long years of therapy, the flashbacks are for the most part gone! I can feel again, the feelings aren't always good - but that is normal.....

    Gotta go - so scared....
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    well done ...I hope this will empower you further..take care....HUGS
  5. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    That is very powerful and I hope that it helps to bring you closer to the healing that you need and deserve. Hugs You are very brave.
  6. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    I'm back...

    Before going to the graves, we stopped by my childhood home -
    Shaking, when I was looking at the house, I remembered being just below eye height with the door knob - that door knob, and I could see, right in front of me, how small that little girl was: who was beaten bloody, raped almost nightly.... so little, and it was me...
    G-d, I hate that man, may he be cursed forever

    We then went to the church I had gone to with my parents as a child...
    The scene of another horrific incident - I was afraid of my father, and had run into the sanctuary begging, praying for escape... focused on the beautiful image of a lamb being cuddled... He found me after everyone had left, raped me right there as I stared at the image - disconnected - wanting comfort...
    Took me home where my mother cried that she was so worried - and I had to be punished for running away...I was stripped and beaten with a belt until the stripes that time I couldn't feel, I had already disconnected from my body - only to endure. I was only 7 at the time.

    When I saw that image I was in shock today... but I know - it is over...

    Then as we emerged, I noticed the day was beautiful, the sun shining and the birds singing as we went to the cemetery, placed the epithet on the grave... a fitting goodbye. I hope people stop by and read it.... My therapist asked my permission to spit on the grave...

    I still find it hard to get in touch with the anger, I feel it then it is gone and I am numb again... but as the difficult feelings are given respect - the good feelings are also let in... the pieces of who I am are coming together...

    I am exhausted, angry, sad, shaken... waves of tears and even fear that I shouldn't have done such a thing - but they can't hurt me now.... they deserve far worse....

    it really is over....
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    just know they will get punished in the end theywill suffer greatly I hope your therapist is now able to help you deal with all the emotion you have brought up from the visits. I don't know maybe a good thing to finally face all the demons finally put them to rest. You have great strength you are a true survivor really.
    i hope now you can move on with peace now. your demons are gone they will suffer greatly in hell they will where they belong.
  8. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Update - My therapist and I were wondering if the arrangement was still on the graves -

    It is still there!!!! :stars:

    6 weeks later - for all the world to see and read -

    And the all powerful pedophile and the woman who did not protect from those childhood years, can do nothing about it! They hurt a helpless child and set my feet on a horrific path - now who is helpless to do anything....

    Wow - I would've thought that the cemetary people might remove it, although I followed all the rules - size, type, etc....

    I do feel like I am leaving at least that chapter of the nightmare of my life behind....
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so pleased for you.....I hope this means you can find some peace..
    :victory: :arms: :hug:
  10. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    That's great - I wouldn't have had the heart to take it down, even if regulations demanded it.

  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Wow wow wow wow T-Bear!!!!

    I read this when I was half asleep yesterday and didn't get it.

    Did you really do that and it's still there?!!

    that's amazing! for you to do, the whole action, and for people to respect that, and to have such a supportive therapist.

    I used to have SO much trouble with funerals, riturals, ceremonies ESPECIALLY if people do not get that people who die can be the the most abusive bastards around when they were alive, covered by whitewash, and that still happens once they are in the ground 'because they are dead and you should respect the dead'. BS

    I'm right now awaiting my father's death. And will I have a party when that happens, he's had another baby at age 70 - I think you'd understand why, and why I'm worried.

    T-BEAR go you!!
  12. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Your words are so strong. I glad you were able to do this for yourself. Do you feel lighter for it? They deserve those words over them, they shouldnt have done what they did to you. But you are such an amazing woman, I admire you T-bear :hug: I hope this a brought you some peace
  13. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Thank G-d, I am stronger... it is over.... but the integration of me - the past coming into focus allows me to come into focus... like a hologram filling in... and it is hard.

    Two steps forward, one step back - flashbacks last night - horrible:

    And yet the good news it is less disjointed, more integrated - memories that involve more than one piece of who I am... and I feel stronger afterward, and know it isn't now and I am now in control...

    The bad news is - it hurts on more than one level and is so intense.... I am horribly shaken and have greater range of emotion with it... I am feeling anger for the first time and it is growing - the anger is giving me the strength to say it wasn't me - it wasn't my fault.... But is making me less stable...

    I am OK as long as I turn the hatred outward and keep it controlled... It gets scary when I turn it inward and feel alone and hopeless...

    Thank you to so many for being supportive! :thanks:
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