Confronting an Abuser (may trigger)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Abby Rose, Jun 27, 2008.

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  1. Abby Rose

    Abby Rose Well-Known Member

    This issue has been weighing a heavy burden on my mind for the past few weeks. I have had two people who have sexually abused me in my life and one of them passed away a while back and the other is still around where I live (though not the least bit involved in my life). I am moving far away in the next month if not sooner, and the thought crossed my mind as to make an encounter and tell this woman exactly what she did to me and how it impacted my life for the worse. For the moment, between in-depth therapy and medication I am in a much calmer place when it comes to the trauma and because of that my therapist (whose opinion I hold in very high esteem) advises me against it. I don’t know if I am looking for an apology, or some signs of remorse, or am trying to forgive this person because I think I am well beyond even caring about any of those things. But I feel it is my last opportunity for a confrontation, and I am on the fence on if I should go through with it or even if there is anything to gain from it. As I said, I am not really sure what it is I am looking for but, I would hate to live in regret for not saying something. I don’t mean to ask people whether I should or shouldn’t due this, since I think this is a choice I have to make on myself, but if any one ever did encounter a past abuser years later, or any other personal feedback regarding a similar situation would be greatly appreciated.
  2. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    I understand most of what you are going through. I have been sexually abused twice in my life, once when I was a child by a family member, which is hard to deal with everyday. I was abused again about month 1/2 ago, and I may be confronting the guy in Court, which I aint dealing with becuase I dont have the courage.

    I dont have advice, but maybe a suggestion. If you feel that you are able to deal with the before, the during, and the after then go for it. But make sure you are completely ready for the outcome. Becuase I always think that it is better to confront, but then i think of the consequences. I hope this helps.

    Take Care

    PM me if You Need 2

    Xx Sky xX
  3. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    alright personally i have been raped four times in my life and what i wouldn't give to confront them now. i say rock on and go for it, but like notwanting2live said be prepared for the outcome no matter what it is. i'm thinkin' she'll deny anything happened be prepared for that one too. anyways please take care and stay safe. be sure to share how this turns out too. i'm gonna wonder about it til i hear about it so pm me if you would like too. take care
  4. I understand you wanting to do this - inspite of what someone you deeply trust, says to the contrary. Chances are monumental that you will NOT get any acknowledgement, let alone 'remorse or regret' from the perpetrator - and the chances are equally great that you will be rebuked and have the tables turned on you - so that YOU are blamed. Manipulative people are exceptionally adept at this. And it's not worth the risk - to be exposed to this yet again - as well as having old wounds reopened, should you not get the outcome you would prefer or expect...

    This is NOT "advice" - for I've coined the phrase "Advice is free - and you get what you PAID for" (*grin*). But if you might, use your strength to move forward - perhaps to help others - and as well, keep writing your feelings as a cathartic tool - and also perhaps, write a "Final Letter" - make a ceremony of it, and burn it in effigy...

    This in NOT a coward's way out...we move on and even 'forgive others' - NOT for their sake, but that we may no longer hold on to the burden of the hurt they have caused us...

  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am not sure a confrontation is what you need as much as to make your abuser aware of what she did and the effects it has had on you. Together with my therapist, I composed a letter that stated exactly what I felt and the ramifications it had on me and mailed it to one of my abusers. He is a former teacher and someone I still come into contact with on occasion. It did help to empower me and let me feel more as if I were in control, Maybe your therapist would support something along this lines rather than a direct confrontation. As FAL1 mentioned, you would be leaving yourself open to another kind of attack with a face to face meeting.
  6. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    If you really feel the need to say something, why not just place an anonymous note in her mailbox detailing how this has affected you? That way, you get to say what you need to say without actually needing to go through the whole confrontation. If it is as you said, and you really don't need or want any kind of reaction from this person, I think this would be a good way to go.
  7. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I know you don't want people to say if you should or not, so I won't...but you should listen to your therapist as she has probably encounted people who have conforented their abusers and feel worse and have put themselves in further danager. I done a similar thing not so long ago, I thought I was ready to face one of my abusers, I turned up, sat in the car, he drove in about 40 odd minutes later, and saw cut it short, I went in, I couldn't fight him and he sexually attacked me again.....I got no answers, just more pain, more heartache and ended up overdosing.

    I hope what ever you decide to do is, the safest option for you.
  8. Abby Rose

    Abby Rose Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies, I am still not sure what I am looking for but I decided to confront her face to face. I am not sure if I am looking for a reaction but now that I thought of doing it I will regret it forever. I know exactly where she is teaching and I am going to do after her class gets out.
  9. camerondavid

    camerondavid Guest

    I think confronting her could be a good and a bad idea. Good because it could give you some closure. And bad because there are always these "what if's". But, I kind of thing that you should talk to her. But make sure that you take someone with you. They don't neccesarily have to be in the room or whatever when you're talking to her. But, someone there to make sure that nothing bad happens.
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