confused about bf

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by primitivesilence, Aug 2, 2010.

  1. I am a 26 year old confident and attractive woman. (Im not having a vanity moment, you will understand as you read on)

    I have been dating my bf for the past 6 months, in the beginning it was all hay days as they are. He made constant effort and really showed he cared alot, he even bought me diamonds (yes in the first month of our relationship) to show me he saw me with him in the longterm.
    However all of a sudden, as he understood me better he started accusing me of being an attention seeker and denied giving me any compliments, insisting that I "get them from outside"
    Constantly complained that I wasnt making enough effort for him. (Trust me, I LOVE makeup and Im always on point, i get compliments all the time from others) I assumed he was getting bored of seeing me all the time so I backed off but he has such a sharp horrible tongue.
    He constantly says horrible things to me to make me upset. Ive had problems growing up and have confided in him, whenever things arent right between us, he uses all of these against me to make me upset. The pain is unbearable and no matter how much I try to explain it to him, he doesnt understand. His behaviour has become very cold towards me, we havent even cuddled (let alone ANYTHING ELSE) for the past 2 months. This is making me extremely insecure, im so confused. In a heated argument last month he said he "wasnt physically attracted to me, not even for a second" and that he would ve have replaced me along time ago if it wasnt for the diamonds.
    On the flipside, he constantly rings to tell me what hes upto, he insists to see me everyday, he always takes me out but hes not there for me emotionally. not at all.
    Hes never paid me a compliment or ever said anything nice. I just feel like any other girl to him.
    I mean I spend so much time with him and not even once does he ever "want" me.
    I cant talk to him about anything because hes never listening or will say something so horrible that will leave me upset.
    Simple answer is to ditch him because he lacks social skills and I can do better etc (my friends tell me all the time) but to be perfectly honest, I have fallen for him (stupid) and no matter how much I try to break it off. As soon as he tries to get back with me, Im there for him again.

    I really dont understand him. Ive even told him he lacks affection and I need some emotional connection with him but he finds it all funny and says hes not emotional and is a cold person.

    And no Im not a soppy woman who wants a romeo/romantic man. However he is like a brick wall. I feel really incomplete with him. We connect in everyway but the things that complete a relationship are non existant between us.
     
  2. I'd hope someone can give me an "outside the box" opinion on this matter.

    Maybe its all obvious but Im so sucked in that I cant see it.
     
  3. I know its little long but a response will be much appreciated
     
  4. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    hmmm personal opinion is you have to move on.....he treats you like shit and seems he always will, hes said to you he's a cold person, hes not going to change nor will you be able to make him change. Hes shown you he wont change, shown you that hes insensitive, shown you that he doesnt care about your needs, what more do you want? its plain to me I think that you need to move on. You say you love him i get that but does he love you? The answer is NO, he seems to think your like an accessory. like a diamond, a status symbol or something. Why would you waste anymore time on someone that has shown you time and time again he does not love you? You deserve better and there is better out there, someone who will care for you and show it. He seems like he want to control you and use you and nothing more...

    My opinion tho... im no expert...
     
  5. kyle88

    kyle88 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like your BF is just insecure and takes it out on you...

    If he says he doesn't even like you then move on, why would you stay with someone who treats you like crap and tells you that they don't care about you and are not attracted to you.
     
  6. Chameleon76

    Chameleon76 Well-Known Member

    This seems pretty cut and dry to me........Just going by what you wrote, besides buying you diamonds, it doesn't seem like he's given much indication that he cares about you, hell unless you're leaving stuff out. it doesn't appear that he's even into you much at all.
    You don't seem like you have the lack of self esteem or confidence issues that make woman stay in abusive relationships, so why put up with shit like this:
    "In a heated argument last month he said he "wasnt physically attracted to me, not even for a second" and that he would ve have replaced me along time ago if it wasnt for the diamonds"

    Just take the fucking diamond necklace, or braclet, or whatever he bought you, smash it apart with a hammer, then flush it down the toilet right in front of his face, then dump him. You can do better than him and it seems like you allready know that....

    "I am a 26 year old confident and attractive woman"

    So end it and find someone who appreciates you. It's not like you've invested years of your life into this relationship. 6 months aint that long. If he's acting like a prick this early into the relationship, its only gonna get worse.
     
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I agree with chameleon.....Get rid of him pronto....he's bad news and you can do better......
     
  8. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    He's manipulating you. Mixed messages and gifts? Sure sign of a toxic relationship by what you wrote. The truth is there are literally hundreds of millions of men in the world that A, like what you like, B would be attracted to you, C might be your type. You're 26 now, if a boy wants to play games kick his ass to the curb. If he really cared he would be there for you or at least try to make an effort to. It sounds to me that in his eyes you are a trophy he bought with some diamonds. Pawn the necklace and dump his ass.
     

  9. No I totally appreciate everything.
    Im so silly for even trying. I just got so confused in the process, I didnt feel like he was using me because we dont have anything physical between us. (No sex, no kissing and no cuddling) but even thats not normal... He takes me out and yes he pays but lets face it. That doesnt keep a relationship together.

    I know Im stupid and I can see I need to be out of this relationship. Im just finding it difficult. I have no self esteem issues, Im still confident as ever so I dont understand whats stopping me? Boredom? Fear of loneliness?
     
  10. I think he has narccistic personality disorder and to be honest you are right, he wont change.
     

  11. You are right and I love that you are direct with your opinions with no fuss.
    I think it has come to an end because he says "Im too emotional and he hasnt got time for emotional things and I should turn to friends to get my mind off things"

    The last time I broke it off with him, he became very stalkerish and was asking minute to minute detail about me from my work colleagues such as who Im talking to, what Im wearing down to the colour of my lipstick and hairstyle. I have no suspicions of him cheating but his behaviour or "personal issues" are unbearable now.
    He constantly says things like "I own you"
    He has never been controlling, hes never told me what friends to have or where I should/shouldnt go.
    We hang out together ALOT but we have nothing physical between us, he doesnt even touch me ever aside from the holding hands once in a while. He likes to make it obvious that Im his girl in public. He gets flattered if other men look at me. (He doesnt disrespect me by staring other women down and makes his loyalty very obvious)
    He has always said im also a "loyal" type of person and he believes i would never cheat on him (which is true) so wtf is his problem?

    I think Im just driving myself crazy over nothing here and hes just messing with my head.
     
  12. Thankyou =))
     
  13. You may be right there. I seriously feel a little too old for childish games, I just want a normal relationship (which has ups and downs ofcourse) with a normal person!

    I was single for 3 years (which he is aware of) and was waiting for someone right to come along, I didnt just want to settle for just about anyone. He was perfect in the first month or so and he reassured me he wouldnt let me down (ha, how foolish of me) but it is so sad and dissapointing. I shouldve just remained single for longer. My record wouldve still be going eh. haha. Ahhh life.
     
  14. I've just thrown everything away (and made him aware too that Ive cut all ties) and I feel so crappy and emotional about it.

    I know he needs to go but there is that part of me that really cares and doesnt want to let go.

    This is driving me crazy. Please help.
     
  15. Chameleon76

    Chameleon76 Well-Known Member

    That's understandable because any kind of change is difficult, even postive change. You got to ask yourself honestly though....."what am i getting out of this relationship"? you say he's not there for you emotionally so obviously those needs arent met. You say you don't have sex either so your physical needs aren't met. What else is there?

    It's natural to be scared of change, even when you know that you'll be better off in the long run.
    I was a total wreck for the first few weeks after I quit smoking, but I got over it and now I don't miss cigs at all. I even wonder why I smoked for 12 years in the fisrt place. I bet thats how you'll feel sooner or later once you're over this guy. You'll see how much better your life is without him and be thankfull he's not in it anymore.
    Just cut ties completely, don't see him, call him, text him, look him up on facebook, ect....it'll take alot longer to get over him if you do and you'll just be needlessly torturing yourself.
    be kind to yourself - dump him.
     
  16. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    You're not stupid. He could still be using you, even if it's not for physical purposes. Right now he's using you as a verbal punching bag.

    Maybe you're holding out hope that things would get better? Or you're secretly afraid of hurting his feelings. What ever the case, you already know that this relationship has to stop. It will only go down hill from here, and it will only get more difficult to get rid of that pile of waste.

    I think the best solution is to just go ahead and end it in public (to prevent outbursts and the like).

    "Just take the fucking diamond necklace, or braclet, or whatever he bought you, smash it apart with a hammer, then flush it down the toilet right in front of his face, then dump him. You can do better than him and it seems like you allready know that...."

    Or sell it at a pawn shop. Hell, why waste it? :p
     
  17. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi. To be quite honest, your boyfriend fits the profile of a sociopath, because he lacks any human emotions and he is very cold and cruel to you. He even takes joy in your personal suffering which is another red flag. If I were you, I would give him back his diamonds and break up with him immediately. Be careful.
     
  18. This is so tough and as I nurse my breakup I realise more and more how I got fooled into this sick game.

    Early on he told me he fell in love with me and he could see me having his children, he used to speak to me like he had me in his future plans (and I told him to be wise with words, sometimes infatuation can be confused for love). He made sure I wasnt running out of anything and made sure my cupboards were well stocked up (despite being the most frugal person ever!), he never spent money on himself and has very minimal clothing. His trainers were ripped and yet it took him months to buy a new pair (after much persuasion) for himself.
    Early on he told me he wanted to know what Im feeling for him because hes never felt like this for another person. If Im not as commited as he is then perhaps we shouldnt be together to stop his feelings from developing.

    And yesterday he tells me "its easy to get attached to me, every other girl does. You need to remain strong"

    This is absolutely revolting. I feel sick to my stomach and foolish. I have been played with and its the worst pain ever.
    I will never truely know where I stood. I have no closure as I know I cant get any answers from his pathetic existance. I have no1 to talk to because everyone is fed up of our constant breakups and in all honesty Im a private person and this is why Im still going on about it like an idiot on here for more and more consolation when fact is that I have been abused like a piece of nothing and thrown away when done with.
    This is reality!
     
  19. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    You're not stupid. Even the smartest people can be tricked.