Confused and despressed.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by VernonClinton3, Feb 10, 2008.

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  1. VernonClinton3

    VernonClinton3 New Member

    Recently I've been diagnosed with OCD and Bipolar disorder. I feel like I'm not in control of my emotions anymore.

    Just the other day I was helping a really hot guy stretch in Tae Kwon Do, and my hands were against his muscles and I decided to enjoy feeling them or something. It felt like it was groping without groping. Another time I was helping a guy stretch yesterday and I got really turned on and I noticed that my hand was starting to grasp his leg, or i had the passing thought to do it or something like that. Either way my hand started to grasp his leg as I was helping him stretch and I made it stop, but then after it stopped it started up again. And then I made it stop. It was like my hand would go through 1 percent of the motion and it would stop each time. I think it happened 3 times total.

    I was molested growing up and for years I've always thought about killing the people who wronged me. Now I feel like I've entered the same club as them and I don't know why I have any reason to live.
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    You haven't entered the same club as those who did you wrong. The plus is that your able to stop and your aware of this. This may have some sort of link with what happened to you while growing up.

    Try not to let it effect you too much. If you can, don't help guys who you find attractive stretch out.
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    The most important thing is that you were able to stop before crossing the line. This shows that you are not like those that hurt you as a child. You may want to discuss this with your doctor as they may have solutions as to how to deal with your fears.
  4. VernonClinton3

    VernonClinton3 New Member

    It just hurts so much. I want my pain to stop. I feel guilty as sin about it all.

    It does not have any link with what happened to me when I was younger. I'm gay and I had my hands on a guy and I got really horny and those two separate occurrences happened. I'm quitting Tae Kwon Do so I'm never in that situation again though.
  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    What matters is that you have some self control and awareness. Your not alone, this sort of thing has happened to many people, both Gay and Straight.
    In time it may retreat and the feelings will be gone.
  6. VernonClinton3

    VernonClinton3 New Member

    How can I forgive myself? I just feel like I'm beyond redemption right now.
  7. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    I think you can forgive yourself because you controlled yourself. You cannot force your body to be unattracted to people but you can choose how you respond to that attraction and from my perspective I think you chose very well. That alone separates you from the people who wronged you in your younger years. They did and you did not, those two choices could not be any further from each other. In life, choices matter more than thoughts or words and you made the right choice, there is nothing to forgive because you did no wrong.
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