Confused and lonely

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by sakuragirl, Jul 9, 2008.

  1. sakuragirl

    sakuragirl Well-Known Member

    I have dealt with so much personal crap in the last 25+ yrs I really dont know what to do with myself. Each day I look into the mirror and wonder why I exist. I mean is it for the enjoyment of others to torture me? Is it some sick cruel and twisted joke? Is the purpose of life misery? My only wish is for happiness.

    I tried to hurt myself last night (no details will be given) but my boyfriend found me and stopped it from happening. So last night I couldnt sleep, its been that way for a while. I think these new meds are making me more manic than normal well my body anyway not my mind. (I am bi-polar) God what I would give for a manic state right now, I know its not real happiness but it feels decent for a short period of time. I joke that I should write a book about my life but no one would read it unless they were sick and twisted. I know that there are people worse than me and that I should be grateful but somehow I get stuck in the details that is life and stop thinking about finding something good to celebrate. I cant cope and i cant tell anyone IRL as i feel dumb and stupid. I cant tell my boyfriend as he has his own problems (he used to post here) I went to therapy but she was way too bubbly and happy it made me physically sick. My PCP thinks its all in my head and wants me to pay 100's for a psych visit. I have left work sick for 3 weeks now and put in for another month leave of absence. I tell my dogs and they just lick my face and go chew on a toy. I know that they are trying but they dont understand.

    Sorry for the long post
     
  2. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    personally if i were you i would see someone new. they just don't sound terribly supportive. as a matter of fact i'm suppose to see my therapist tomorrow and i'm going to do the same thing. i'm going to talk to her about letting me go back to my old therapist. sometimes we just need to change. you know what i mean. are you on meds for all this? i didn't quite understand that part of it. :please: :please: take care
     
  3. sakuragirl

    sakuragirl Well-Known Member

    doc just put me on new meds. my mind feels the same sometimes worse but my body is all over the place, you know cant sit still cant sleep that feeling
     
  4. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i totally know that one. they say i'm not bi-polar, but they said i was what they called hypo-manic. i just wonder if that is the same thing going on with you. although some people just have trouble sleepin' and are just very active. i have to take meds to sleep otherwise i don't. what do you think?
     
  5. sakuragirl

    sakuragirl Well-Known Member

    My father was bi-polar and I have shown symptoms of highs and lows since 16. God I hate this illness.
     
  6. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i've suffered from severe depression sinse i was five yrs old. the first time i ever tried to kill myself i was just six and almost succeeded. having a mental illness does probably suck more than anything, but it's just a matter of learning to work with it that counts. you know what i'm sayin'?
     
  7. sakuragirl

    sakuragirl Well-Known Member

    First time i tried to kill myself i was 13 and was told i was an attention seeker then again at 16 and then i was told i was sick and put on drugs. Then at 19, 22 was put on more drugs it was walking zombie. Then I was forced off the drugs by my soon to be ex-husband *yay* and tortured by him for 5 years. So I have come to find either be the walking dead or wishing I was dead. My mum probably knows the most about it and she wants to brush it under the carpet and have me feel better and live each day for each day. I try and make it work and I have tried to focus in different areas of life to be happy. I tried the school thing and i have very good grades and a degree or two. I have had two *failed* marriages, moved 7000 miles to start over. Now at 7 failed suicide attempts the last two stopped by my friend. I guess what I am saying is I really don't know how to work with it, around it, through it or over it.
     
  8. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    just keep talkin' about those things that are troubling you, and if you don't feel like sharin' it with everyone but would like to talk to someone pm me and i'll get back to you asap. just keep talkin'. that's the most important thing i think anyways. :please: take care
     
  9. sakuragirl

    sakuragirl Well-Known Member

    im sat here crying at the computer trying to get past everything and i do have to let some pressure out.....FUCK sometimes I just need to scream.

    i am a bad and terrible person and something I have done is unforgivable. My BF of three months introduced me to here and i went through and read all his posts as soon as I found his name and now I realize how selfish I am. He's stuck through 2 attempts of mine and now I realize hes been depressed also and how severe, as well as he has professed love to other site members and now he says he loves me and wants to marry me. I told him I'm not ready.

    Im on a emotional rollercoaster and im sitting here staring at the screen going crazy.
     
  10. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    well i hope he sticks with you even though you are not ready. sounds like it was good to learn where he is coming from too. he sounds like quite a guy to hang with you through so much. :please: don't take it for granted and i'm not saying you are. i'm sorry i was gone so long. today is the anniversary of my sisters passing and it was just hard to be awake for all of it. sorry again :please: take care and thanks for sharing
     
  11. sakuragirl

    sakuragirl Well-Known Member

    sorry to hear about your sister. you'll be in my prayers and I hope you get through the day as well as can be done :hug: