Lately, I've been so busy helping other people that I have yet to worry about myself. I'm not sure if this is in the right spot, but I'm just going to continue talking. For the most part, I have been depressed so bad where I don't even want to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. I'm so depressed I called out of work today because I was so stressed I was puking all last night. To make it all worst, things with my boyfriend of almost two years have been crazy. I love him, but I just can't see me continueing with him. And it breaks my heart because he has been my life for so long. But he doesn't understand depression and it is getting really annoying. My only friends are complete drug atticts in my actual town. I have been hanging with them lately and recentely started up my cigarette addiction. It's not the healthiest, but it's one of my better addictions. I've been the the psychiatric ward three times in two years. The last time I was admitted was on March 29, 2007. My friend Ang died that day in a car accident. I kind of blame myself because I tried to kill myself that exact night. I feel like "God" or whoever is out there took her and not me. But that is a whole other story. I have lost all my friends. Mostly because of my boyfriend. When I was with him, I didn't cut, drink, smoke or even think about suicide. I promised Ang I would stop all negative behaviors when I found out she was dead. The promise lasted two years. But it quickly came to a stop. I joined this website in May? I have met a lot of really cool people. And if anything happened to me I would be so sorry for anyone who I hurt. I'm not sure if this is a suicide letter or anything, but I am concerned for my well being. Honestly I really don't give a shit about myself. I know a lot of people don't. I'm 17 and still young. I should be out with friends and having fun. But I am just the opposite. I'm sitting here typing this, when my brother wants to get high with me. I just want to get high, run into traffic and be gone. I haven't gone into detail about why I am depressed, because honestly I don't know. I am on anti depressants but they aren't helping. My next doctors appointment is this tuesday, but you never know if I will make it that long. I'm sure tonight I'm going to smoke some weed and cut my legs. This isn't for people to tell me "oh everything will be ok, don't do anything" It's harder then you think. This is just a letter of me just saying random shit. And that if anything does happen to me, you know my last feelings. I just want to apologize if I hurt anyone or worried anyone. And I also want to apologize that I have been a horrible chat & forum buddy. I haven't posted many forums lately because I have been so depressed. I guess this could be it. And I'm not trying to seek attention. Just getting all my thoughts out. I love you all. And for the people who have really touched my heart, I will be watching over you all. If my suicide is sucessful, please don't forget me. I'll be more popular dead than alive. But life isn't a popularity contest is it?