Confused and lonely.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by yursomedicated, Jul 18, 2009.

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  1. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    Lately, I've been so busy helping other people that I have yet to worry about myself. I'm not sure if this is in the right spot, but I'm just going to continue talking. For the most part, I have been depressed so bad where I don't even want to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. I'm so depressed I called out of work today because I was so stressed I was puking all last night. To make it all worst, things with my boyfriend of almost two years have been crazy. I love him, but I just can't see me continueing with him. And it breaks my heart because he has been my life for so long. But he doesn't understand depression and it is getting really annoying.

    My only friends are complete drug atticts in my actual town. I have been hanging with them lately and recentely started up my cigarette addiction. It's not the healthiest, but it's one of my better addictions.

    I've been the the psychiatric ward three times in two years. The last time I was admitted was on March 29, 2007. My friend Ang died that day in a car accident. I kind of blame myself because I tried to kill myself that exact night. I feel like "God" or whoever is out there took her and not me. But that is a whole other story.

    I have lost all my friends. Mostly because of my boyfriend. When I was with him, I didn't cut, drink, smoke or even think about suicide. I promised Ang I would stop all negative behaviors when I found out she was dead. The promise lasted two years. But it quickly came to a stop.

    I joined this website in May? I have met a lot of really cool people. And if anything happened to me I would be so sorry for anyone who I hurt. I'm not sure if this is a suicide letter or anything, but I am concerned for my well being.

    Honestly I really don't give a shit about myself. I know a lot of people don't. I'm 17 and still young. I should be out with friends and having fun. But I am just the opposite. I'm sitting here typing this, when my brother wants to get high with me. I just want to get high, run into traffic and be gone.

    I haven't gone into detail about why I am depressed, because honestly I don't know. I am on anti depressants but they aren't helping. My next doctors appointment is this tuesday, but you never know if I will make it that long. I'm sure tonight I'm going to smoke some weed and cut my legs.

    This isn't for people to tell me "oh everything will be ok, don't do anything" It's harder then you think. This is just a letter of me just saying random shit. And that if anything does happen to me, you know my last feelings.

    I just want to apologize if I hurt anyone or worried anyone. And I also want to apologize that I have been a horrible chat & forum buddy. I haven't posted many forums lately because I have been so depressed.

    I guess this could be it. And I'm not trying to seek attention. Just getting all my thoughts out. I love you all. And for the people who have really touched my heart, I will be watching over you all.

    If my suicide is sucessful, please don't forget me. I'll be more popular dead than alive. But life isn't a popularity contest is it?
     
  2. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    upontherooftopsx

    ((hugs))

    so much to go through so young.You have gone through more than most kids your age have and are stronger for it.Wiser.Please keep posting here..you have SO much life ahead of you.The world will be your oyster..but you have to love yourself first..know how important it is that you take care of you...be your own best friend.And YOU have the right to seek attention.You are human after all.The sorrow will be there and the joy too..if you do not give up.It takes courage to go on.It is the survivors who live to enjoy another sunrise ,sunset and embrace from a loved one.It takes courage to make it through one night so you can live to be a hero another day.
    ((hugs))
     
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Ronnie, Wow bless your heart you've been helping so much you have ran yourself to the ground.

    Please don't do anything your perspective is off right now,your physically wiped out and just got nothing left.. You need to recharge for a bit.
    If you want to talk we are here and you can PM or IM me if you want talk in private!
    Honestly is sounds like rest maybe the best for you right now.
    Either way let us know..hang in there we will help you sort it out


    :barmy: how is that for a memory...
    Love ya B
     
  4. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Ronnie all I can say is I love you. And hope that this passes. :sad:
     
  5. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    :cry: I love u :hug: if u need to talk I'm here for u.... :hug: Please let me know how u r doing...
     
  6. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    What do you mean you will be watchinig over us? we want you hear with us. You have not let us down by not posting as often due to depression.
     
  7. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    Unsuccessful suicide.

    I'm a failure...
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm glad you survived :arms:

    You'll get through it ronnie!
     
  9. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Good...I was really worried.... I'm so happy you're here Ronnie.
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are here too and that you posted your pain and suffering. Please don't do anything to harm yourself please everyone here would miss you terribly. Your depression is getting the best of you I hope your therapist will help you on tuesday take care.
     
  11. Feared.Desire

    Feared.Desire Well-Known Member

    I’m sorry to hear you’re not doing well, but I see a lot of similarities to our situations.
    Im 17 as well, and my girlfriend of two years just left me yesterday (hoping things work out in the end) She was my life and don’t know what to do now.
    Im not using drugs as much, but still do here and there.
    I’ve also attempted and failed (pills are just so inefficient)

    If you need someone to talk you, feel free to pm me.

    Have you talked to your boyfriend about depression? I understand how it can be hard on a relationship and I’m sorry to hear you have to go through this.

    Hope all goes well. Feel better.
     
  12. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    Ronnie :hug:
    You know I'm always here.
    i told you that yesterday<3
     
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