this is going to be a rant. It’s probably going to be all over the place because that’s how I feel right now, so bear with me please. Some of this might come across as really petty and I’m sorry. I am aware that there are people and issues that are much worse. However, right now I just want somewhere to let it all out before it gets worse and I hope that’s ok.
I am just sick and tired of being ugly. The moment I try liking myself something happens. Two months ago I got a massive stye on my eye and I tried not to freak out. I stayed calm and positive, hoping that it would go away soon. At least before my birthday. But it didn’t. So I thought whatever I’ll be more patient and stay positive. It’s gonna be three months soon and it’s now turned into a cyst. Now my right eye looks swollen and it looks like I have different shaped eyes. I can’t even look in the mirror cuz I look so fucking ugly with my uneven eyes and it’s really affecting my self confidence. I am supposed to go out with my friends on Friday and that’s giving me major anxiety. Especially when I just want to be able to look at least decent for one day.
On top of that, I dyed my hair recently and I don’t like it. I spent £55 for it to turn out too light. It looks like golden streaks in my dark brown hair. I have asked my hairdresser if she can make it darker and she said she could for more money but I genuinely don’t want to go her again. I feel like I can’t trust her to do it right. I just wanted light brown highlights. If I go other places it will cost even more money especially when I have barely any left.
I live in a single parent household and my mother is really struggling financially so I can’t ask her. I work but only weekends and that barely makes me any money. I don’t like where I work. I have an assignment due soon which I haven’t started. I have a cold which has made my dark circles worse. I have the most obvious purple ish circles under my eyes. Not only that my skin is thin so I also have hollows.
I also happen to have a massive nose. As much as I’d like to, I can’t get plastic surgery.
I am supposed to be learning how to drive but I haven’t gotten around to doing it. Neither do I have the money for weekly lessons. I am almost always running late and I struggle to sleep.
I am in love with a guy outside of my religion and the only way we will ever get married is if he converts. But I don’t want him to convert because of me. It will affect his relationship with his family. Cause fights and problems and I don’t want that. I don’t want him to have to go through that. I’m not worth that. I try to convince him that maybe it’s best if we break up so he can find someone else. Someone far better. He can easily do that. But he won’t listen. It would kill me to let him go. I don’t know how or if I’ll get over it. He is actually perfect.
Me, I’m broken.
Imperfect.
Disgusting.
I am convinced that if I can’t marry him there is not a single guy who would want me or love me. There is no way I’ll find love again. I just got lucky once and that’s all I get. Then I wonder if this is all a test. What if I’m just with him because I know I can’t find anyone else or no one else could ever love me back. The longer I’m with him the more I’m sinning. I try not to think about it too much but these days I just can’t help it. (I’m sorry to bring religion into this but please respect it). I feel like I am just not meant to be happy.
I am going to die alone.
I know for a fact no one else would accept me.
I just wish I could like myself. At least a little.
I am just sick and tired of being ugly. The moment I try liking myself something happens. Two months ago I got a massive stye on my eye and I tried not to freak out. I stayed calm and positive, hoping that it would go away soon. At least before my birthday. But it didn’t. So I thought whatever I’ll be more patient and stay positive. It’s gonna be three months soon and it’s now turned into a cyst. Now my right eye looks swollen and it looks like I have different shaped eyes. I can’t even look in the mirror cuz I look so fucking ugly with my uneven eyes and it’s really affecting my self confidence. I am supposed to go out with my friends on Friday and that’s giving me major anxiety. Especially when I just want to be able to look at least decent for one day.
On top of that, I dyed my hair recently and I don’t like it. I spent £55 for it to turn out too light. It looks like golden streaks in my dark brown hair. I have asked my hairdresser if she can make it darker and she said she could for more money but I genuinely don’t want to go her again. I feel like I can’t trust her to do it right. I just wanted light brown highlights. If I go other places it will cost even more money especially when I have barely any left.
I live in a single parent household and my mother is really struggling financially so I can’t ask her. I work but only weekends and that barely makes me any money. I don’t like where I work. I have an assignment due soon which I haven’t started. I have a cold which has made my dark circles worse. I have the most obvious purple ish circles under my eyes. Not only that my skin is thin so I also have hollows.
I also happen to have a massive nose. As much as I’d like to, I can’t get plastic surgery.
I am supposed to be learning how to drive but I haven’t gotten around to doing it. Neither do I have the money for weekly lessons. I am almost always running late and I struggle to sleep.
I am in love with a guy outside of my religion and the only way we will ever get married is if he converts. But I don’t want him to convert because of me. It will affect his relationship with his family. Cause fights and problems and I don’t want that. I don’t want him to have to go through that. I’m not worth that. I try to convince him that maybe it’s best if we break up so he can find someone else. Someone far better. He can easily do that. But he won’t listen. It would kill me to let him go. I don’t know how or if I’ll get over it. He is actually perfect.
Me, I’m broken.
Imperfect.
Disgusting.
I am convinced that if I can’t marry him there is not a single guy who would want me or love me. There is no way I’ll find love again. I just got lucky once and that’s all I get. Then I wonder if this is all a test. What if I’m just with him because I know I can’t find anyone else or no one else could ever love me back. The longer I’m with him the more I’m sinning. I try not to think about it too much but these days I just can’t help it. (I’m sorry to bring religion into this but please respect it). I feel like I am just not meant to be happy.
I am going to die alone.
I know for a fact no one else would accept me.
I just wish I could like myself. At least a little.