Confused, angry and hurt

#1
this is going to be a rant. It’s probably going to be all over the place because that’s how I feel right now, so bear with me please. Some of this might come across as really petty and I’m sorry. I am aware that there are people and issues that are much worse. However, right now I just want somewhere to let it all out before it gets worse and I hope that’s ok.

I am just sick and tired of being ugly. The moment I try liking myself something happens. Two months ago I got a massive stye on my eye and I tried not to freak out. I stayed calm and positive, hoping that it would go away soon. At least before my birthday. But it didn’t. So I thought whatever I’ll be more patient and stay positive. It’s gonna be three months soon and it’s now turned into a cyst. Now my right eye looks swollen and it looks like I have different shaped eyes. I can’t even look in the mirror cuz I look so fucking ugly with my uneven eyes and it’s really affecting my self confidence. I am supposed to go out with my friends on Friday and that’s giving me major anxiety. Especially when I just want to be able to look at least decent for one day.
On top of that, I dyed my hair recently and I don’t like it. I spent £55 for it to turn out too light. It looks like golden streaks in my dark brown hair. I have asked my hairdresser if she can make it darker and she said she could for more money but I genuinely don’t want to go her again. I feel like I can’t trust her to do it right. I just wanted light brown highlights. If I go other places it will cost even more money especially when I have barely any left.
I live in a single parent household and my mother is really struggling financially so I can’t ask her. I work but only weekends and that barely makes me any money. I don’t like where I work. I have an assignment due soon which I haven’t started. I have a cold which has made my dark circles worse. I have the most obvious purple ish circles under my eyes. Not only that my skin is thin so I also have hollows.
I also happen to have a massive nose. As much as I’d like to, I can’t get plastic surgery.

I am supposed to be learning how to drive but I haven’t gotten around to doing it. Neither do I have the money for weekly lessons. I am almost always running late and I struggle to sleep.

I am in love with a guy outside of my religion and the only way we will ever get married is if he converts. But I don’t want him to convert because of me. It will affect his relationship with his family. Cause fights and problems and I don’t want that. I don’t want him to have to go through that. I’m not worth that. I try to convince him that maybe it’s best if we break up so he can find someone else. Someone far better. He can easily do that. But he won’t listen. It would kill me to let him go. I don’t know how or if I’ll get over it. He is actually perfect.
Me, I’m broken.
Imperfect.
Disgusting.
I am convinced that if I can’t marry him there is not a single guy who would want me or love me. There is no way I’ll find love again. I just got lucky once and that’s all I get. Then I wonder if this is all a test. What if I’m just with him because I know I can’t find anyone else or no one else could ever love me back. The longer I’m with him the more I’m sinning. I try not to think about it too much but these days I just can’t help it. (I’m sorry to bring religion into this but please respect it). I feel like I am just not meant to be happy.
I am going to die alone.
I know for a fact no one else would accept me.
I just wish I could like myself. At least a little.
 
#2
Sorry that you're feeling this way
I am aware that there are people and issues that are much worse
Please don't worry. You don't have to have it worse than anybody else in order to post here.
I am just sick and tired of being ugly
It seems that your boyfriend likes you well enough, and you said he's perfect. So maybe you're better looking than you think you are, or in any case, you've got what it takes to maintain a relationship with a perfect person, which I guess is attractive enough.
I got a massive stye on my eye
it’s now turned into a cyst
Maybe you could have a doctor look at it

I am in love with a guy outside of my religion and the only way we will ever get married is if he converts
There's no rush to get married is there? If you focus on making the relationship as positive as possible for both of you, where the relationship is going in the long run may work out on its own.
 
#3
Sorry that you're feeling this way

Please don't worry. You don't have to have it worse than anybody else in order to post here.

It seems that your boyfriend likes you well enough, and you said he's perfect. So maybe you're better looking than you think you are, or in any case, you've got what it takes to maintain a relationship with a perfect person, which I guess is attractive enough.


Maybe you could have a doctor look at it


There's no rush to get married is there? If you focus on making the relationship as positive as possible for both of you, where the relationship is going in the long run may work out on its own.
Hi, thank you so much for replying. The doctors have looked at it and they’ve said that all I can do is warm compresses :/. So hopefully it will go away soon. I agree that there’s no rush but sometimes I can’t help but think abut our future. Even if other people don’t think I’m ugly, that rarely matters to me because that’s now how I feel about myself. He thinks the opposite but of course he would, he kind of has to. He’s too kind. I just want to be able to be ok in my own body. But thank you so much for the advice ❤️❤️
 
#4
thank you so much for replying
You're welcome!
sometimes I can’t help but think abut our future
As long as you want to be together, there's a lot of different ways that things could work out.
He converts, you convert, your family stops caring what religion he is, you tell your family that he converted even though he didn't (I'm not a fan of lying, but if you have to choose between honesty and love, imho pick love), elope and don't tell anyone that you got married, etc.

I just want to be able to be ok in my own body
Maybe it's something that you can learn to do
 

Were all together

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#5
Seems the cyst was the straw that broke the camels back. From there, things snowballed into mass confusion. Best thing to do, is to take everything one day at a time. Second, you're not ugly. You just feel that way because of all these things happening. Everything can be fixed.
 
#6
Seems the cyst was the straw that broke the camels back. From there, things snowballed into mass confusion. Best thing to do, is to take everything one day at a time. Second, you're not ugly. You just feel that way because of all these things happening. Everything can be fixed.
Yeah it was pretty much the last straw for me. But I’ve always felt ugly now it’s just intensified. Thank you for your advice
 
#7
You're welcome!

As long as you want to be together, there's a lot of different ways that things could work out.
He converts, you convert, your family stops caring what religion he is, you tell your family that he converted even though he didn't (I'm not a fan of lying, but if you have to choose between honesty and love, imho pick love), elope and don't tell anyone that you got married, etc.


Maybe it's something that you can learn to do
I would love to but I don’t know how
 

Walker

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#9
I'm sorry you are feeling so crap right now. Some of this really is snowball effect and I hope that things start to lighten up for you soon enough. {{{hugs}}}
 

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