Confused at my wants

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by ThornThatNeverHeals, Aug 3, 2012.

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  1. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    So a few weeks ago when i cut i went waaaaay to deep.... cut down into my flesh and hit bone. The wound is finally closed, but its held this little hole inside me.... and it confuses me so much. After the cut i got the good blade i had taken away, but managed to hide my crap blade.... and at times i want to cut. Im scared ill go to deep again, but there is a part of me that really says it doesnt matter anyway.... and i honestly dont want to cut with THAT blade. Its super weird, but i had an attachment to my old blade..... Im so frustrated at myself for wanting to even cut again after what happened last time, but that wasnt the first time i had to go to the docs over it, and i think ill get over the fear that keeps me from cutting, but it just pisses me off at myself taht im so stupid.... yet when i get pissed off the only way i know how to deal with the anger at me is to put a damned blade in myself.... im so confused and wish i could talk to my therapist about it, but i just cant manage to speak about it, and shes more focused on the shit relationship with me and mother anyway... i just dont know what to do with myself anymore....
  2. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Have you ever thought about maybe accidentally cutting a nerve, and thus resulting in paralysing yourself? I cannot imagine that such a result would be admirable to you, if it were actually to happen... but I can't help but think that cutting that deep, probably will do some very dangerous damage, the kind that will physically disable you. That IS your body, but YOU do deserve to have a much better outcome than what I just described.

    If you really need a pathway to discuss this with your therapist, the fastest and closest way is to take this very post, print it, and show her. It's already been said here. All you have to do is print it, and take it in.

    Or maybe even any other post that you already have here, that maybe speaks better what you mean to convey. Sometimes it's hard to explain everything, and all the thoughts and emotions on the spot...after the fact.

    Sometimes it's hard to remember EXACTLY what we wanted to say, or EXACTLY what we were thinking, when we are sitting in that session, and have a time crunch on our hands. The therapist is not there with you the rest of the 23 hours a day, or maybe they only see you once a week... that's a lot of hours in-between where they are unable to watch you or see what's going on.

    That's a lot of things too, to try to convey to a therapist. While I don't disagree with the therapists current direction, it could be that they perhaps are trying to get to the root of where the raw emotions are really coming from. However, obviously, what you just said clearly tops the list of what should be concentrated on, and that would definitely take over most therapists attention if brought up, as it's obviously a more serious and immediate concern.

    Perhaps you owe it to yourself to try and develop a relationship with your therapist that goes beyond just your mother, and maybe into more deep things that you may feel about life itself, and about the world around you. Maybe diving into who you think you are, and how you have become that person etc... I know my advice here is very difficult to take, because it would mean that you'd be really exposing yourself to your therapist, and you'd have to trust that your therapist keeps that information in confidentiality (from parents).

    There's no guarantee that they would, but you could ask that in turn for being very honest with your therapist that they keep that between you two, and leave that as your personal thing to work on together, something that you don't have to have "taken away" from you, by everyone else around you. Something that you can finally be open about and let be known... and have someone hear you out on those feelings and that pain and hurt.

    As for the fear of cutting, I am not too sure either that such a fear would ever go away... I don't imagine that anyone truly wants to mutilate/harm/physically disfigure/scar etc... themselves, and be stuck with that. There is a sliver of survival instinct in us all, and there is a sliver in all of us which is a desire to want to be healthy, and feel fine. We all seek comfort when we are hurting and sick...

    This may sound odd, but it may be that the cutting could stem from a need for greater attention and care, a very deep need... kind of like how when we are children, and get a cough or cold, we seek our parents out to help us through it, and to help us understand what that is, and help us get better. Perhaps making yourself sick, but controlling it, could be a very deep rooted core need to get better... and to be shown how to get better again. But this time you are controlling exactly how intense and how much of the illness you show people on the outside.

    Just a thought.

    I do really wish you much better, and if I read your post right, it sounds like you just fought off the urge to cut open again, possibly in the same area. Even though you have your old blade... at least not cutting open there again, you are protecting yourself from a whole other hell hole, that obviously you probably don't want to bring upon yourself again.

    I hope that you can get to the core of the "wanting to cut again"... as it seems you get angry with yourself for even thinking that way. But that thought is alerting you that you need something very deep to be fixed. Don't get angry with yourself, when your mind is drawn to deeper areas. It's just an area that you are not too sure of yet, an area that you probably still have not explored, maybe one that was buried and is trying to come out. Don't be mad at yourself for that slow recognition of a deeper concern.

    Instead, pay attention to the triggers... ask yourself where it's really coming from. Consider what it could mean. Triggers could be small, tiny things...they could even be "silly" things, but those things attach back to past memories and ideas... ideas that obviously hurt you at one point and time. Figuring out what those are can really help you learn where the cutting thoughts even stem from, and can therefore help you understand why they arise, and thus in the end help you really grasp and control them finally, till they no longer become your "go-to" masking/comforting thought.

    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 3, 2012
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