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Confused by suicidal thoughts, but oddly calm.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aussiegal, Aug 4, 2012.

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  1. aussiegal

    aussiegal Well-Known Member

    Okay... so every single day practically without fail and usually before 9am in the morning I have had some kind of thought about suicide. I usually can't even get myself to work before it has crossed my mind at least once. Sometimes its a fleeting thought, other times its an intense period of time where I try almost anything to keep myself safe. Most times its a combination of the two on and off throughout the day.

    Spoke to my psychologist about it last week. Explained to her that it happens so often now that it doesn't even seem to panic me so much. Even the worst of it, the intense periods I am able to ease after about 30mins. Afterall, she did teach me to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Think I might just be a master of doing this.

    Today, however was different. Unusually, it was with complete calmness within a moment of madness and anger, that I decided that, although I wouldn't act with haste in the moment, I am ready to end my life.

    As usual, after about half an hour, the extreme emotions passed me by. But I have been left with this bizarre confused feeling knowing that I was quite comfortable and content with this idea. That I did not fight this idea. And if I did not fight this idea or feel horrified by it, then maybe perhaps it is the right decision. Maybe it is what I have to do.

    Very confused. Feeling numb. Not sure where to go from here.

    More confused because after I admitted to my psychologist last week that I think about suicide every day and explained it to her... she finished by saying... well i think you are doing well. Lets see how you go on your own for a few weeks. I know I am not shocked by having these feelings anymore, but I also don't think it is 'normal' to think this way. The average person, I am sure, does not have to fight these feelings away. But if this is doing well, I dont want to be part of it. If this is as good as it gets, I want out.

  2. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    If you are going to bed at night (aren't staying up all night), and wake up in the morning the suicidal thoughts could come from you waking up, and thinking sort of along the lines of... perhaps that your life is this melancholy blur day in and day out. I'm trying to find a way to explain this one, but many times I wake up after sleeping and think "this is life? This is what it is?". Of course the "thinking" I have is very volatile. I am not really saying "this is life?" in a nice tone, but rather insulting what I have woken up to, like I am disgusting that I have to wake up to the life that I live in. It's not something I look too forward too. It's not something I foresee a lot of change in. It's not something that I really want to be a part of, yet I wake up each time, to it over and over again, though I don't want to.

    Like a prison almost. If you relate to what I just said, then your feelings of suicidal tendencies around that time of day make sense, because it's supposed to be another start, but if you don't like where you are starting, obviously you won't want to be a part of it.

    As for becoming "comfortable" with your suicidal tendencies, this is a very dangerous place to be in. Such a mindset means that you could easily carry out an action to match the thoughts and not regret, or feel like you should stop yourself. It means that you have become comfortable with the idea of death, and have decided that if you die, you are no longer afraid.

    This, is what I would consider be a real crisis situation, that you must bring up with someone in person, as soon as possible. Your psychologist needs to know how urgent it really is. They may be so used to you feeling this suicidal way, and having those thoughts that they know it's going to be a part of your life for a while, but I doubt they have any idea that you are actually progressing with the thoughts, instead of decreasing.

    That is where I'd suggest and recommend that you "go from here", is to get very immediate help or support for this, for the reasons I mentioned. What stopped me from acting on my thoughts too, I had them for months, but it was always that fear, and those "what if" thoughts.

    Obviously the moment you don't have those fears or "what if's", there's a huge problem in the making... because the next time you feel life is not really worth it, or feel like you shouldn't be alive, you have nothing stopping you from falling over the edge anymore.

    Please let your psychologist know what is really going on, and let them know that for now you need your therapy to specifically concentrate on those thoughts. It's ok to ask for a different direction in your therapy, and it's ok to voice your needs, when they arise, in that area to your psychologist.
  3. LadyEmaleth

    LadyEmaleth Member

    True, but you're not average - you're ill. Suicidal thoughts are symptoms. People with lung problems may wake up in the morning with a cough - you wake up with suicidal ideation. You probably want to protest that those thing cannot be compared - maybe they can't but on the other hand depression and other mental disorders are just as biological as any other illness you may think of.
    You manage to keep yourself safe despite having these thoughts and that is a really big step forward – you maintain control and as long as you feel that these thought will not drive you, will not make you actually act on them you are doing quite ok. You just have to be very careful and watch yourself if you're not falling over the edge and giving in to these thoughts and if you realize that you do don't hesitate to even pick up a phone and call medical assistance. With time it should get easier. I don't think that this is as good as it gets but perhaps it's as good as it can be this very moment of your life and illness.
  4. aussiegal

    aussiegal Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies, both of you. It means a lot that anyone would take the time to respond to my thoughts and worries. You have both given me a great insight and new direction for thoughts for the time being.

    THis morning I woke up, feel kind of okay for now. Only a little down. Even managed to get my butt out of bed to swimming training on a Sunday morning. Got to swim out a little of the anger. Fingers crossed I have exhausted myself for the day. Back into the swing of work tomorrow. Even though work is difficult, tiring and sometimes feels impossible, I continue going because it is structure and it gets me out of bed each morning. :) Take care both of you and thanks again for the replies.
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