Confused, depressed, insulted.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AsphyxiateOnWords, Mar 12, 2015.

  1. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I'm so used to some of the insulting, and seemingly nonsensical crap that gets said to me by my husband anymore that I think I'm actually starting to believe some of it. This isn't the case with everything...some things he says actually do end up making sense when I think about them. But the main things that don't make sense is him saying I can choose to feel a certain way...meaning if I'm upset, I'm choosing to feel it and don't have to...or if I'm scared or worried I'm choosing to feel that and I don't have to. My mind has never ever worked like that for as long as I can remember. So, when he says something like that, my initial reaction is how? How the hell is that possible to just eliminate a negative feeling or thought even though it's there and it's going strong? Like, am I supposed to repeat to myself over and over in my head for it to go away and hope it happens? Because I've tried that too, and it never worked. So how the hell does one CHOOSE not to feel something? And then when I tell him that, he makes it even more confusing and frustrating by saying that I don't have to understand it, just do it and it's not something that's explainable. If I don't understand it, how the hell am I supposed to do it? And the argument just goes in circles from there. He makes it seem like it's so simple to control my mental illnesses and somehow I'm completely missing that simplicity and making it difficult (on purpose)...which in turn makes me feel stupid because if there's a simple answer to it and I'm not doing it, then I must just be a moron. Right or wrong? It doesn't seem like there's any other way to look at that.

    And then he wonders why I do certain things to him out of resentment. For example, as he puts it, "taking my love away from him" when I don't want to be close to him or kiss him or any of that. Yeah, you're damn right I do those things out of resentment, and the main reason being because you keep telling me that I choose to feel the negative things I feel on purpose . But how can it be on purpose if I truly don't understand how not to do it? And just because you think that I don't need to understand it and "just do it" doesn't fucking change the fact. So yeah, I probably do take my love away from you out of resentment. That I do on purpose, no doubt about it. But when you fucking back me into a corner like that and then instead of giving me the help I need to get free you pretty much say "Get free on your own. It's simple, but I'm not going to explain it because it's not explainable, so just figure it out." isn't resentment justified for that?
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 12, 2015