Confused, don't know whether to have a shot at this girl

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Fdt, Dec 19, 2009.

  1. Fdt

    Fdt Well-Known Member

    I recently came into contact with a girl on a 'relationship forum', not a dating site or anything, just a place where relationships and the like are discussed. I replied to her thread where she was looking for help in attracting a more caring and loving type of guy rather than one in it for lust/sex, I wrote a really long reply for her saying things that those sorts of guys (ie. myself) want in a girl, and then added her as a friend on the site as she seemed like quite a friendly person.

    When I looked up her profile, it turned out that she lived only 2 hours away from me (less by train), and is my age, she's also really good looking, and had recently made a thread about how lonely she was because of not having a partner over Christmas (man, do I know that feeling).

    We exchanged a couple of emails over the site, nothing serious, just a short lighted hearted convo. I was starting getting the urge to speak to her via IM, and get to know her a bit more as I find both her personality and looks very attractive. But as soon as I was about to do this, I saw that she'd previously been in a relationship where her partner had lived 2 hours away, and they broke up after 2 months because of the logistics of living quite far away; travel costs, not being able to see each other with ease, etc.

    Now, while money / not being able to see her 24/7 wouldn't be a problem for me, I'm scared of pursuing a relationship with this girl if she'd been put off of a medium distance relationship because her previous one didn't work.

    I don't want to get to know her well, go down the route of telling her that I like her, then be shot down because I live too far away for her to want it to work, when I knew there was a risk of this happening from the start; it'll just make me feel shitty about myself even though the reason for us not getting together was out of my control, that wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

    I just don't know where to go from here, I think to myself I should leave it, and just wait for someone else and not risking developing feelings for her then not being able to be with her. But then every time I log on and see her picture and her sweet personality, and tell myself if I never try I'll never get anywhere.

    Help me, I need some advice :(
     
  2. Datura

    Datura Well-Known Member

    This is a long shot, and is not worth it. Approach girls who live closer to you. And stop looking at her pictures/personal information.
     
  3. Fdt

    Fdt Well-Known Member

    Okay. It's just the chance of me becoming close to a girl who lives near to me is almost impossible. So I'm always in hope that I'll meet someone online, as it's easier for me to pass the first stage of getting to know them; which is something I can't really do well when meeting someone face to face, and after I've got to know someone a little online I feel 20x more comfortable interacting with them in real life.

    Meeting someone online is the only real way I will ever find a partner, and living distance between us will always be a side-effect of that.
     
  4. Datura

    Datura Well-Known Member

    The fact that the downfall of her relationship was due to the issue of distance is reason enough to not pursue anything with her imo. Try personals sites if need be.
     
  5. Confusticated

    Confusticated Well-Known Member

    Me and my girlfriend are about 6 hours apart by coach travel, 4ish by train, and we've been together almost 6 months. Just because it's long distance, doesn't mean it won't work. There could and probablt were more reasons for her other realtionship failing. Just make sure you really do like her, from where I'm sitting it seems that maybe you don't know what you're feeling, possibly. could be wrong, and no offence was intended.
     
  6. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Fdt, how bad off are you right now? If a girl dumping you is going to have you contemplating things that you shouldn't be contemplating then don't go after this girl, id recommend you don't go after any girl for that matter either though until you get your issues resolved. Otherwise I would say go for it. Just because she broke up with another dude that lived far away doesn't mean she will with you. If you turn out to be a perfect match for her you really think she is going to turn you down over a little bit of travel? If things are that great one of you can consider relocating. Go for it, and stop worrying about her dumping you before you have even met, you are just gonna set yourself up to fail. Good luck :)
     
  7. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    :thumbup: congrats
     
  8. Fdt

    Fdt Well-Known Member

    I don't think not liking her enough or losing interest will be an issue if I'm honest, I've never been in a relationship but badly want to be in one for the sake of companionship and just having someone to love. I don't have amazingly high standards required, only that they're geuinely interested in me, are kind-hearted and follow a good set of morals. This girl is far and above the minimum of what I'd settle for in a relationship, the only thing that would hold us back is if she didn't want me for whatever reason, and that's the thing I'm pondering over, if it is worth going along the path that allows me to find out if there is mutual attraction.

    If there is, I have myself a great girlfriend: someone to live for, and will most likely be relieved of my depression (the thing that brought me out of depression between Nov 08 and Jul 09 was being close to a girl).

    If I go down that path, and there isn't mutual attraction or she decides we can't be together, then the scarce amount of confidence I have will diminish and I'll go down to an all new low.
     
  9. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    If you get involved even if its just emotional involvement online and this doesnt work out, then you will feel even worse than you did to start off it.

    Id want to take the risk if it was me, but i dont think i would for my own wellbeing. The possibilty of getting knocked back again would be enough for me to stay clear.
     
  10. Fdt

    Fdt Well-Known Member

    @ Mikeintx:

    I'm not really that "bad", I don't have any known mental disorders, I'm not bipolar or anything like that. I act reasonably normal in most environments, if you met me and spent a day with me you would never tell that I'm depressed, and sometimes I even feel bad about calling myself 'depressed', because there are a lot of people feeling far worse than I am that are depressed, in and in comparison to them, you might say I'm happy.

    I've only ever minorly self-harmed, I haven't recently, and when I did do it there were big time gaps of months and months between. I just have massive bouts of sadness from being lonely and not being able to function as a man should towards girls (atleast during initially getting to know them). But I cope perfectly fine with it online, and actually have better luck making female friends online than I do male friends, but it's a polar opposite in real life.

    NoGood: That's what I'm considering, the whole thing is a gamble between happiness and more sadness. But one day it's a risk I am going to have to take, the sadness is due to loneliness, and the lonliness can only go when I take that risk to be with someone.
     
  11. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member



    Don't do it. Take some time to become happy with yourself before going after her. :)
     
  12. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member

    No one person can be responsible for pulling you out of your depression. You just can't put all your emotions in the hands of one person like that

    Don't worry though; it's a hard process becoming happy again, but you will get there, and once you're there, you'll find the girl of your dreams. Will it be this girl, who's to say. But it's gonna be worth it
     
  13. Fdt

    Fdt Well-Known Member

    I don't feel too bad about myself, I feel bad about my lack of a relationship more than anything, it just seems to be a cycle:

    No partner = feel depressed
    Feel depressed = less chance of a partner
    Less chance of a partner = No partner

    And so on.
     
  14. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member


    I understand what you mean Fdt, but relying on a partner to make you happy is going to set you up for an abusive or sub-optimal relationship. As hard as it is you really want to find happiness before you get into anything serious. Happiness needs to come from yourself, not from money, marriage, kids, a nice house, a career, or anything else that could fall away at any moment in life. Easier said than done, I know, but you really don't want to build your life on a deck of cards. Take care :)
     
  15. Datura

    Datura Well-Known Member

    Based on what, her photos? You can't get a feel for someone being "kindhearted" or upholding a "good set of morals" unless you meet him/her face to face and spend an extended period time with the person.

    You clearly stated that her relationship ended due to distance, so it would have little, if anything to do with her not wanting you. Why lead her and yourself down a road to nowhere?

    So you want a codependent relationship. Sorry, that isn't healthy. And it isn't fair to put someone else in such a compromising position. You want this girl for your own personal gain (which is a delusion in itself).

    Work on yourself and get your needs met ON YOUR OWN - as in - no romantic involvement. Seek a therapist, school counselor, whoever is available to talk with and can offer logical insight to your problems.

    You're 17? This is no mentality for someone of your age to have. Relationships aren't the be all end all, especially when you're a teenager. Stop defining your self worth on whether or not you can obtain a girlfriend.
     
  16. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member

    Speaking as a fellow 17 year old, long distance is NOT worth it when we're as young as we are. Even if we're lucky enough to fall in love, what kind of love is that? Naive shit that we don't even know what the hell it means? We're not doomed to be alone just because we're currently single. And I'm sorry, but I'm a firm believer that you should never live for someone other than yourself. You can't adequately love another person if you don't first love yourself. Relationships don't cure people of depression, they, for a short little while, distract us from normal life and the things that typically get us down. If they become serious enough, then I think of them as a way to discover more aspects of yourself that you never knew existed and figure out how to handle those aspects and grow to be a better, happier person. We're fucking 17, we're not meant to handle this yet. It's not an ageist or a pessimistic way of looking at it, it's what I think is reasonable.

    We're not meant to be alone, but we're not ready for the responsibility of a successful, healthy relationship. Being single right now, in my personal opinion, proves you're sane and normal
     
  17. Confusticated

    Confusticated Well-Known Member

    I think you're totally wrong, actually. There is nothing wrong with a long distance relationship, at all. I'm 18 now, my girlfriend 17, and about 180 miles seperate us, but all I look forward to is the next time I'll get to see her. We still speak everyday, haven't argued once, and have never considered leaving each other. Not the same for everyone, I understand that, but it certainly doesn't mean that a long distance relationship is "naive shit that we don't even understand what the hell it means?" So do not state something that you obviously can not understand, since it can lead someone to make a wrong decision, especially on a forum with people as vulnerable as SF.

    What about all your threads about being alone? Wanting to find someone?

    You have conflicting opinions it seems. Still, not something to be spoken about in this thread. Apologies to the OP
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2009
  18. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member



    Before you lecture me on my shifting opinions, try asking me what I mean rather than assume I'm immediately claiming that relationships such as yours are impossible or naive. What I meant to say, but didn't explicitly say, was that I don't think it's very likely for people my age to find love, and instead we find a kind of adulation or obsession we confuse and call love. That was what I was calling naive, but thank you for telling me how I can't understand

    And I believe I have the right to change my opinion regarding my own personal relationship status thank you very much

    Back to the topic of the thread, I really don't think that you're setting yourself up for a real, lasting love that will make you happier. This just doesn't sound to me like it would end very well, and I would hate to see you get hurt over this
     
  19. Rayne

    Rayne Well-Known Member

    "I've never been in a relationship but badly want to be in one for the sake of companionship and just having someone to love. I don't have amazingly high standards required, only that they're geuinely interested in me, are kind-hearted and follow a good set of morals."


    And you really think that being in a relationship with someone that you're basically just going to settle for to change your status is going to be good for the other person? Finding out that my boyfriend doesn't love me but just loved having company would be devastating. It means that you're no more special or unique to them than almost any other woman who might show a mild interest in the person you're seeing. It's not fair on her at all.

    You can't just force love. The persuit of this girl or anyone else will end badly if you don't learn to reduce this need you seem to have to be in a relationship. As everyone else has suggested, work on problems you can fix alone before looking for a relationship.
     
  20. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I imagine the relationship this girl had with her previous boyfriend can't have been very serious if she let something such as a 2 hour distance seperate them. My previous boyfriend lived in a completely different country to me, but I loved him enough not to let that get in the way of our relationship. Your relationship with this girl (if you ever do have one) will not be the same one she had with her previous boyfriend, and if she does dump you/refuse to be with you due to distance, then I'd venture to say that she obviously doesn't like you very much.

    But as Rayne said, you shouldn't settle for someone just because you don't want to be lonely. You have to consider the other persons feelings too. You're only 17 and presumably have your whole life ahead of you to find love. Just relax. What's the rush?