Confused...i feel like a failure...i'm lieing to myself?

[WinSher]

I'm 27...i have two jobs...nothing fancy, i clean a restaurant and i work at a bowling alley...

For the past 8-9 years i've hidden and not gone out and feel i've wasted much of my life going nowhere in fear and embarrassment of myself...I have social anxiety disorder but just saying that makes me feel like i'm making an excuse for not trying and i've hid because i'm embarrassed of who I am and dropping out of college at 18/19

Just this past summer i started biking/running and dieting to try to feel good about myself and try to get my life back on track...i started to attend college last week to try to get into nursing but yesterday in lab I don't talk to anyone and i felt lost...i have such difficulty communicating with people and it frustrates me i walked out of the lab and didn't attend my class afterwards and went home and just cried like a little baby...

I wanted to die yesterday, i've wanted to die many times over the past 10 years but I'm not brave enough to do it....i'm not brave enough to face up to others....and even tho i exercised I think terrible things about other people and belittle them about how much better i look than them....this isn't what I want from myself...i feel pretty shitty inside about who I am and who others think i am. I feel i'm letting myself down and everyone around me who thought I was going to pull this off and really i don't feel ANYTHING a majority of the time....and I confuse myself with so much doubt and worry I can never say anything outright straight because in the back of my mind i'm always trying to say the PERFECt thing or right thing

Hanging or gunshot...only thing i'm scared about dieing is the pain involved not actually dieing...or what if it doesn't work and how my mom might feel finding me ....I don't want to hurt anyone i don't want to make anyone feel like shit, i wish I could be better but the older I get the more I feel i'm losing any of the heart I had left inside of me and growing course and bitter...i don't want to live like this and i'm tired of fighting everyday to do things or try to get a better job and career etc....i don't want to put the work into it so I deserve this and i want this.

 

[WinSher]

and....i should probably be doing my math homework right now and I don't know if these THREATS of suicide are just to postpone that or If I really mean it

I'm sad...i don't know what to think and i question and doubt everything i say and i needed to vent and i'm sorry if i wasted anyones time.....

 

[Terry]

and I think you need to get counsellor who will be able to work with you to overcome your social anxiety.

You also sound pretty depressed. Try to stick with the college, but get some help.

 

[WinSher]

I'll try...living isn't half bad...challenges and things i don't understand scare the crap out of me

 

[I*feel*so*unsure]

Starting anything is a real challenge. New environments are really scary. I think its great that you occupy your time being doing sports and studying. your doing things your working and I know having two jobs is tough and studying even more so. Try to give people a chance, there maybe someone there who wants to speak to you and find out who you are and are interested in you so give it a little chance.:biggrin:

 

[ace]

Winsher relax for a minute or two or even a few seconds and let's take a look at thing's,first of all you're no failure even though you feel like you're and I know that feeling but you're not that's definitely one thing.Next of all you suffer from Social anxiety something that's preventing your progress and this is'nt your fault,I don't know what it's totally like to have Social anxiety but I have BDD so I do know what it's like in terms of the thought's about comparisons,am I saying this right etc will I say the wrong thing,and I'm basically walking on egg shells.
Another thing is all is not lost and no way by a long shot no chance I'LL reassure you of that and by talking to us on here no doubt you can slowly progress there will be many jurdles on the way but buddy you will do0 this believe me.
also I do really think that devestated raised a good point about getting a counsellor because these thing's that are making you unhappy are stopping you from doing so much.Also use your supports i.e us Therapist's,Dr's,Psychiatrist's,Psychologist and anyone that you find is of any assistance because they do help believe me.
I plead with you stick this through and next time in class give this a go try to smile at someone and just say Hello,If you can't bring yourself to do this don't be so hard on yourself or think you've failed etc because you will get it and it doesn't have to be the first time.
In terms of questioning everything you say Oh yes I know that feeling and with Ocd it drives me completely nuts,so don't think you're weird at doing this or anything because the way I'd go about it would probably make you shake your head so much at me.I'm alway's here for you anytime even if you want to talk in private and my msn is [email protected] if you or anyone else would like to add me.

P.S "Don't Give up Buddy"