I'm 27...i have two jobs...nothing fancy, i clean a restaurant and i work at a bowling alley...
For the past 8-9 years i've hidden and not gone out and feel i've wasted much of my life going nowhere in fear and embarrassment of myself...I have social anxiety disorder but just saying that makes me feel like i'm making an excuse for not trying and i've hid because i'm embarrassed of who I am and dropping out of college at 18/19
Just this past summer i started biking/running and dieting to try to feel good about myself and try to get my life back on track...i started to attend college last week to try to get into nursing but yesterday in lab I don't talk to anyone and i felt lost...i have such difficulty communicating with people and it frustrates me i walked out of the lab and didn't attend my class afterwards and went home and just cried like a little baby...
I wanted to die yesterday, i've wanted to die many times over the past 10 years but I'm not brave enough to do it....i'm not brave enough to face up to others....and even tho i exercised I think terrible things about other people and belittle them about how much better i look than them....this isn't what I want from myself...i feel pretty shitty inside about who I am and who others think i am. I feel i'm letting myself down and everyone around me who thought I was going to pull this off and really i don't feel ANYTHING a majority of the time....and I confuse myself with so much doubt and worry I can never say anything outright straight because in the back of my mind i'm always trying to say the PERFECt thing or right thing
Hanging or gunshot...only thing i'm scared about dieing is the pain involved not actually dieing...or what if it doesn't work and how my mom might feel finding me ....I don't want to hurt anyone i don't want to make anyone feel like shit, i wish I could be better but the older I get the more I feel i'm losing any of the heart I had left inside of me and growing course and bitter...i don't want to live like this and i'm tired of fighting everyday to do things or try to get a better job and career etc....i don't want to put the work into it so I deserve this and i want this.
For the past 8-9 years i've hidden and not gone out and feel i've wasted much of my life going nowhere in fear and embarrassment of myself...I have social anxiety disorder but just saying that makes me feel like i'm making an excuse for not trying and i've hid because i'm embarrassed of who I am and dropping out of college at 18/19
Just this past summer i started biking/running and dieting to try to feel good about myself and try to get my life back on track...i started to attend college last week to try to get into nursing but yesterday in lab I don't talk to anyone and i felt lost...i have such difficulty communicating with people and it frustrates me i walked out of the lab and didn't attend my class afterwards and went home and just cried like a little baby...
I wanted to die yesterday, i've wanted to die many times over the past 10 years but I'm not brave enough to do it....i'm not brave enough to face up to others....and even tho i exercised I think terrible things about other people and belittle them about how much better i look than them....this isn't what I want from myself...i feel pretty shitty inside about who I am and who others think i am. I feel i'm letting myself down and everyone around me who thought I was going to pull this off and really i don't feel ANYTHING a majority of the time....and I confuse myself with so much doubt and worry I can never say anything outright straight because in the back of my mind i'm always trying to say the PERFECt thing or right thing
Hanging or gunshot...only thing i'm scared about dieing is the pain involved not actually dieing...or what if it doesn't work and how my mom might feel finding me ....I don't want to hurt anyone i don't want to make anyone feel like shit, i wish I could be better but the older I get the more I feel i'm losing any of the heart I had left inside of me and growing course and bitter...i don't want to live like this and i'm tired of fighting everyday to do things or try to get a better job and career etc....i don't want to put the work into it so I deserve this and i want this.