confused & mixed feelings

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by rinovatio, Feb 6, 2014.

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  1. rinovatio

    rinovatio Member

    As a subject said, I have quite strange and mixed feelings... Which I guess I want to understand, how come and maybe to resolve to whatever end... I guess a breaking point was last year's spring, when I had nervous breakdown and after that basically fell into black hole and it took several months (with the help of antidepressants) to climb out of there. For some it may seem strange that I would complain about several months of depression, but to me it was almost the end of the road. Maybe because I am used to these thoughts, as they come around practically every day for the last 15-16 years, I am still around... Well, got rid of this big depressive state but gained insomnia instead...
    But I think that the main problem is, which is actually quite hard to put in the words, that I kinda "miss" that depressive state or just "want" to relive it, which by itself should be quite crazy... I don't know how to be, if not happy then at least contented...
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi rinovatio. Welcome to SF! I'm glad you posted. I think having mixed feelings after depression is probably quite common. Humans get used to their routines - physical and mental/emotional, so when that changes, even if it's better, it can leave us feeling like something we "knew" really well is gone. That can be a little uncomfortable until we sort out new routines and patterns for doing, thinking, and feeling.

    What things would you like to do or try these days? Do you have hobbies or any specific interests that catch your attention? Maybe if you could try some of those, you could find things that make you feel content and more fulfilled - happy?

    Wishing you the best!
     
  3. rinovatio

    rinovatio Member

    Well, maybe indeed it's like a residual effect, but still it's kind of strange that after 5 months I still feel that way...

    As for hobbies, then actually my work is my hobby (I work as a programmer), so usually all my attention went there, but nowadays it's quite hard for me to concentrate on a specific subject, as most of the time my mind wanders off, which eventually leads to that I get stuck in my past... The same problem as with the sleeping, it usually takes several hours for me to get to sleep, it doesn't matter what I'm thinking about, or even I'm trying to don't think about anything, my thoughts still find a way back to my past... I've tried everything I could think of and even resorted to sleeping pills, which didn't help me at all.

    But yeah, I've tried to do something, but every time it just remains as an idea, I don't know, I guess I just don't have any willpower left...
     
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    rinovatio, if you've been feeling this way for more than a couple of weeks, maybe it's time to see your doctor. He/she can help you figure out if it's just leftover blahs or if maybe you need to be on the antidepressants long term so you don't become full-blown depressed again. Perhaps it's a combination of feeling better but not yet 100% back in the swing of things and needing the meds to boost you to 100% for a while longer. (I kind of hope that you do see your doc so you can operate at the speed that you'd like.)

    Maybe in the meantime, do things in small steps, aim for small goals - not a whole project, or a whole afternoon of concentrating on one thing. You might start with 10 or 20 minutes of concentrating, and then do something else for a while, and then go back to the task and do another 20 minutes of concentrating, and so on...And then stretch it to a half hour...and then to 45 minutes...If you are still having issues, for sure, I hope you make an appointment with your doctor.

    Take care! :)
     
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