Confused on life

[Jacob1973]

This is my first time opening up to anyone about my life, especially on this issue. This is the deepest, darkest secret in my life and I have never said these words to anyone.

I have been thinking about killing myself for over 13 years, but in the past 4 years, and it been getting only worse. I grew up in an area of the USA that was not my own culture, and as a result, I just never knew what it was like to date, nor have a close relationship with anyone. I seem to make friends very easily, as long as its not a girl that I am attracted to. As I said, I have a lot of "friends" but never anyone I would want to date because of these culture issues. Now that I am away from my home, bouncing around the country with my job, I feel even more alone.

All my brother and sisters are married long ago and have kids, and honestly I thought that at the very least I would have kissed a girl by now (Im 35, and still a virgin). Im told that I am "handsome", and I have lost a lot of weight in the past 3 years due to my new job. I think that I am in better shape and better looks than many of my coworkers that always seem to "get the girls". But I am really shy around women that I am sexually attracted to. I have done many online/in person dating services in the past few years, but just cant seem to get past the first date, if I even get one. I cry myself to sleep almost every night over that fact alone. Being forever in small towns doesnt help either on my dating. My friend that I am rooming with right now has tried to help me with dating, but I just dont know about it all.

I have an ok job, (many people say that its a great job for the near 6 figure income I do) but its very stressful with the economy and the constant cutbacks. When I got hired on, I thought it was a job that I could have forever. I have since grown to hate it. I am now having to sell my house and travel around to work since Jan.

I have tried also to change my career, but after nearly 15 years of college classes here and there, I just never can seem to stay focused and I have been trying to take classes to finish a degree once and for all, but am flunking out of school at this point. I can get A's in one class, and then fail the next class.

So between the lack of a personal life, school, and the ever growing threat of loosing my job, I have been on a steady downhill spiral ever since. I had to slap some sense into myself today just to keep from getting hurt at work (accidentally) because I was was so much thinking about my sad life. Surprisingly, I would never consider trying to end my life at work, but otherwise, I have those constant thoughts.

I dont dare go and talk to any professionals. I would certainly loose my job if they even had a remote idea that I was having these thoughts. I dont want to go into too many details on who/what I do for a living.

I just am so confused in life, and the only reason why I havn't killed myself yet is because of my strong christian upbringing, and the belief that suicide is morally wrong. But I am to the point now that I am just thinking that I dont care anymore and would leave it to god. Just me typing this message out is something that I have kept to myself for so long, that I wonder if I even should. This is sort of my last effort to even try to do something. I dont know what else to do, and seeking "professional" help is out of the question. Its a catch 22. Try to save myself, or the end result would be loosing my job and getting further depressed and almost certainly tipped over the line that is looming so close now.

Ok, I will just submit this here and see what you all say. I am just so confused and it seems forever single.. Thanks.. jacob

 

[poisonedresistance]

Hiya Jacob!

It sounds as though you have a lot on at the moment. Is the current financial strain due to the economic climate or is it unconnected you think?

You say you do a lot of traveling.. Have you travelled to any places that are rich in your cultures heritage?


The best opertunities ive found present themselves in the most unusual of places and usualy when you arnt looking for them.

 

[Jacob1973]

Well, I think that its a "reverse" culture issue. I grew up on an Indian reservation in the southwest, when I am an anglo person. I guess that if I ever get to a major city, it would be more in line of my families values and "anglo" culture.

Most people who are anglo don't understand the dramatic differences between the Indian tribal culture and "mainstream" culture. As an anglo, I am just not physically attracted to the indian people, nor their culture.. and quite frankly, I was told by my indian friends that in their culture, its the same.

The economy is directly affecting my job. Trying to vague here, but my job touches almost every person in America in one way or another.

I guess that I could live with my job if I could ever find that right woman in my life. But I just have gotten to the point that I am so depressed, that I am sure that it shows through, thereby souring any potential date.

 

[poisonedresistance]

Do you travel to major cities regarding your work?

i think youl find that there is a very wide range of people and cultures there.

im in the uk, i live near a small city 'nottingham' yet it is amazing the amount of different cultures present! the difrent languages you hear, the ways in which people converse and communicate are a study in themselves!

It must be so hard for you being unable to relate to someone.

Where have you tried to meet girls? Are you scared to make the first move or do you find that comes naturally and its their response to you thats the cool off point?

sorry about the whole spanish inquisition, you can tell me to mind my own if you want to:wink:

 

[Jacob1973]

I really want to get to a major city. But right now the nature of my job keeps me in small towns. The guys with longer job seniority can work the better jobs in the cities. I have been thinking about it, but until I sell my house which is 1000miles away, I just dont have the money to even attempt to go,and then take the chance that a person with higher seniority will come in and kick me out of that town. This bad economy has me stuck where I am and I am lucky to be working at all for this company at the moment.

 

[Jacob1973]

I am going to bed, and maybe cry myself to sleep... again. One more day on this earth, for now.....:sad:

 

[poisonedresistance]

Im not too sure selling your house at the moment is a terrific idea, you will probably loose so much money as the prices are drifting downwards, most here are already into negative equity. maybe it would be wise to try and hold onto the property till the storm passes.

Its always money isnt it that becomes the issue,, i personaly detest the stuff, it holds so many people back and causes so much outrage and hurt,,,

 

[poisonedresistance]

If you want to, you can always pm me

 

[Jacob1973]

I wanted to just say really quick.... that I expect to loose money on selling my house. I dont expect to because where I grew up, the housing market is actually not bad and maybe even growing. Other than elderly parents and two sisters and their families there, its the last thing in my life tying me to where I grew up. I could save tons of money each month simply by not having that mortgage. The money is not the issue!

My lonelyness in life, and the fact that I have such a horrible personal life, job, and that I am flunking out of school from being overworked at work. I would give almost anything just to have a friendly kiss on the cheek by a modestly pretty woman.

To fall in love would be an epic, shocking, and earthshattering event in my life! To get laid for the first time would be even higher! So, to me its not the house, but having a good job, a wife someday, and a family that are my all consuming thoughts. The mental thought of me getting to be so old in life and seeing the health issues of my father, I know that having a family is almost not realistic anymore. That is where the depression sets in bad! OMG I am crying just thinking about this!

 

[poisonedresistance]

Im sorry to hear that you feel so alone in the world.

Some people have what you crave and never truley appreciate it, most people loose it because of that.

Im sure you will find someone out there for you,,,
and at 35 i would hardly say you are past it!! unless you have serious health problems. you mentioned health problems like your father,, what are they and could they impeed you in creating a family if the right girl ever came along?

 

[Jacob1973]

I am having some moderate health problems at the moment that I didnt say in my first post. I am getting medical attention, though I am not sure that it is actually "attention". Two different "specialized" doctors pretty much say "nothing is wrong", but even my friends and family can see that I have a physical issue that is not being addressed. I had a CT scan last week of that area of my body, and I will find out more tuesday.

I had a checkup a few years ago to see if I had the same things as my dad. It showed at the time that I didnt have that issue and that I was in way better health than someone at my age on that issue. Nevertheless, they think that my dad's issues are hereditary, so at some time in the next 20 years, I can expect to have them too. And I know that my dad is in severe pain, and barely living day to day with his health problems. Hes on barrowed time at 68.

So,
1) No personal life
2) hate and possibly loosing my job/money issues
3) flunking out of school
4) my health is an issue.

Yah, I seem to have all the "classic" issues that makes me consider suicide.

I did just reach out and I talked with a woman on a suicide hotline. I do feel better afterward, though that was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I dont know.. Im still confused, just maybe not so quick at wanting to commit suicide right now... off to bed.

 

[poisonedresistance]

I hope you have pleasent dreams, maybe it wont all seem so bleak in the morning.

Im so sorry your feeling so down, you can always pm me, but as you can see im not much good at this sort of stuff, just figured you needed a chat.

 

[Daisy]

I hope your feeling better after your nap.
I'm around if you want to pm me

 

[Jacob1973]

I am still confused on life. Today is a day off so I have had time to clean, and reflect a little on what happened in the past few days. I was so ready to just end it all...

I sort of feel like I am in a daze now, but I am still trying to figure out if I should take the chance of seeing a "professional". Scared to death of my company finding out and either make me do some leave, which I cant afford, or outright firing me.

I have kept this dark secret so deep in myself for so long that I guess that I am afraid too of what friends and family might do. Maybe just chatting is better than the other...., but to be honest, I am tired of life, tired of my health issues, personal life, lonelyness, school, work, etc...

I will talk with my medical doctor in a few hours but I am not expecting much after the brief comments the nurse gave me about my CT scan.

 

[canis-lupis]

Take the chance / risk and speak to a professional, I am wishing you all the luck in the world. good luck

 

[poisonedresistance]

I hope all goes well at the docs!

dont give up!

best of luck x x x x x x:rolleyes:

 

[Jacob1973]

I am even more depressed now. That doctor couldnt find anything wrong, so its gotta be something else. It was hard getting so sleep last night with the damn thoughts of suicide again.. then when my alarms went off, I just turned them off and went back to sleep.

I am so afraid of going to see help because I have heard that they have to report stuff like that. I dont know if that is true or not, but I suspect it is. So I am boiling in my own frustration with life.

 

[Jacob1973]

Maybe my dispair is showing through. My roommate asked me if I was ok, but I had gone to the bar (I dont drink though) to just try to hang out with people. I had thought my roommate was at work and not at home. I know that I am very depressed, and I have gotten to the point that I know I have flunked out of college, and quite frankly, I just dont care anymore. This little town I am in has has a far higher amount of males than females, so its almost impossible to find anyone wanting to date, or to fall into the "clicks" of people here. So I feel even more isolated, and lonely. I try to email and call my parents, but that seems to be of little comfort with the thought that with their old age, they probably wont be around much longer, and I just dont seem to be good at asking women out.

AAAAAAAAUUUURRRGGH! I just want to yell, scream, and curse my life!!!!!!

 

[poisonedresistance]

How long will you be in that town for? It must be so lonley out there for you. Do you not have friends outside of that town, where you grew up maybe? someone that you can call and rely on when you need to possibly

 

[Jacob1973]

Im not sure what to think about it all. My best friend of 12 years has only called me twice since I left. I know hes busy, and he has a girlfriend now.. so I guess that is whats up there. I have been in this town for almost 2 months now. I am so close to being laid off! I think that my mom suddenly knows that something is drastically wrong. She has said a few things today and yesterday when i texted her that struck me as odd, and out of charactor. She is always concerned for me, probably because I am her oldest, and still single. But this was way different in the tone. I dont know, I feel like I am suicidal, but to some small degree, I still want to live. I feel that I can not tell anyone I know how I feel, because I am sure it would get back to my family, or to people at work. Trust in people at work keep people alive there, and I cant let coworkers think that I might endanger them, even if I would never do that. So silence of my pain keeps me working.

I hate the comments of my coworker/roommate, and his friends, that make statements to me about their sex lives. They know Im a virgin, and yet they seem to have found girls in this small town to date and basically get laid on a regular basis. They constantly push that fact in my face, as if I am not a man. I dont want a fling, because as a christian, I know that that is more trouble than its worth, but still, those natural urges are there. Maybe a tad bit of jeolosy that they are "ugly" in my oppion, but able to "find women". I ask myself, "Am I that pathetic?" "Can I ever get to where I can ask a woman out without tripping all over myself?" "Will I get to be 40 and never even have kissed a woman in adulthood! (I dont count the one middleschool kiss)"

Whats so shocking to me at this point is that when I did think of suicide last week, for that brief instance, all my hurt, suffering, and grief disappeared, if only for the 30seconds that I had it in my mind, before "reality" of it all set back in. Now I am so afraid of even getting to that point in my mind that I am not sure if I got there again, I would want to come back to "reality".

I just feel so much mental pain, that I am constantly almost to the point of crying, but I hold it in. I went to church Sunday, even though its a denomination that is not my own, and that helped a lot. It made me focus on my faith in god, and to bring my feet back to the ground. For half of the day, I didnt think of killing myself.

Anyway, off to bed again.. praying that I can hold myself together...