Confused.. Scared.. Hurt.. Pondering questions..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sycotic_Sarah, Jan 20, 2007.

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  1. But never finding the answers.

    I find it pathetic that i think my life is so bad, come to think of it, i think i deserve everything ive got, i really do..:unsure:

    But, im just wondering..

    Why is it, when you're so determinded to kill yourself, it takes so many times to succeed... with the amount of times ive overdosed, you'd think id be underground by now, incorrect, im not, and im wondering if its because i dont deserve to die? If its because.. im meant to live.. I mean, i took a lethal dosage of paracetamol, and it did nothing to me.. i find it hard to believe, someone else would've probably died but i didnt.. im sick of not succeeding.. if i find any sort of tablets again, especially thats powerful, ill save up.. surely, just surely, i cant fail next time..

    Poem;
    No matter how many I swollow,
    I fail,
    no matter what I do,
    I loose.

    No matter how hard I try,
    I fall down,
    no matter how destined to be,
    my fate somehow disappears and just.. leaves.

    No matter what,
    I will always be a failure,
    no matter how long i have to wait,
    I will save, and save..
    and i will slowly...
    ever so slowly,
    fade away...

    :sad:

    Confused-
    Because a few months ago my father said he wanted nothing to do with me, that he hates me, that im not his daughter.. a few days ago, he told me he loves me, that im his daughter and we both say things we dont mean in the heat of the moment... that he wants me to come and live with him.. im just scared because of what hes done.. :( Im scared to say 'no', im scared to say anything to him.. i always back down to him and put my hopes on the line, and think.. 'hes my daddy again'.. but he never is in the end.. :mellow:

    And boys.. Jeez, i hate love, i hate it so much.. id rather be dead than live with this stabbed heart..:blink:

    Scared-
    Because im scared of whatll happen soon.. :(

    Hurt-
    You've no idea how hurt i feel at the moment, last night i cried so hard i felt dizzy and sick.. :(

    *sigh*
    At the moment, im just waiting for that one thing.. then im done..:sad:
     
  2. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    i found this thread very moving and powerful.i found what you wrote moving and powerful Sarah.

    With regards what we were talking about on MSN just now i am sorry that i upset you and i guess i possibly wasnt very clear.But i was trying to say that what you were talking about doing made me feel sad not that you as a person as sad.

    Sorry i dont have much energy for sentences right now.Sorry.


    i was trying to help and let you know i cared.

    Seems like ive messed this up too..............
     
  3. no.. u havent messed it up.. i just want to die..

    My nan said she needs me, and ive gotta help her, she told me so last night, i let her down.. :(

    Shes dead, but shes in trouble.. :cry:

    Another reason why i have to go.. :(
     
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sarah I understand all too wel what you have said. You are a good person Sarah. You have learned to control yourself better now and things can continue to improve if you allow them to. You said your nan said she needed you. Was this in your dream? I am not sure I quite understand here. Help me out.
     
  5. No.. i was awake.. maybe it was because i had no sleep for the day and was suicidal and confused.. my friend said it was a delusion and that it wasnt real and that it was in my head.. but it wasnt GL, it was real, she said she was in trouble and she needed me.. i let her down! :(
     
  6. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    hi sarah, i think you are alive because you were lucky to get another chance to live, another chance to change your life and to make yourself happy. hun whenever you want to die, think that you have another chance to get better, and if you kill yourself you will be lost for ever and i know that´s not what you want, you don´t want to die, you just don´t want to live like this, and it´s ok, it´s good to want things get better, but killing yourself isn´t the answer to your questions, it´s just yourself saying i give up .
     
  7. Right now, killing myself seems the best option, its not my way of saying 'I surrender'..

    The +'s in my life at the moment are these though-
    1) Got a new school lined up for tomorrow, its residential but they have the internet.
    2) I havent cut myself in 2-3 weeks.
    3) Im in a relationship, well, almost, we both feel the same way, just not sure when to make a move..
    4) My dad is * i think * trying to make a go with me, im not sure, he may just be like before, but it makes me happy...
    5) My sister is calmer and friendly-er with me now..
    6) My mums drinking has got better.

    I think thats it? Theres more downsides than positives..

    -'s in my life at the moment;
    1) I have no social life, because of my phobia of the "outside world" and socialiazing, i cant step foot out of this house without panicing like a maniac and becoming paranoid.
    2) I've no friends, lately, most of my internet friends have abandoned me..
    3) I hate my body, my eating disorder has deteriated, i hardly eat at all now, i just drink and rarely have any meals, if any meals i have, i eat them as slow as possible, in my room, and forcing myself to try and purge them up.. i weigh myself daily, i restrain myself from punching the mirror whenever i look into one, my self-esteem regarding my appearance has lowered and ive probably got the self-esteem out of 1/10. :(
    4) Ive become obsessed with suicide methods, i research them everyday, i draw myself dead, i draw methods, i write suicide notes, practicing.. i practice suicide methods, of course, none of which will kill me straight away, its just a practice just like i do with razors before doing 'the cut'.
    5) Ive began crying everyday now, for no apparent reason, i lash out upon myself if i make a mistake, i punch myself for no reason, i pull my hair out, ect..
    6) My OCD has worsened, my routines are becoming more and more frustrating.
    7) My sleeping has got worse, its so up and down, some nights, i dont sleep, other nights i sleep until the next evening.. :(
    8) Ive become so delusional.

    I dont know what else to be honest..
    :( All i know is that i want to die and i shall soon.. :(
     
  8. Hi Sarah, i know you are at school now but you said you had internet access so i hope you get this.
    I know things are difficult now for you, but you are an amazingly strong girl, i know you can make it, please try not to give in.
    This world can be very bad and scary and cruel, but we need good people like you to make it, i know everyone you know in real life would miss you so much. I know a lot of people on the internet would miss you a lot, and i know I would miss you, so much.

    Please try to stay safe and don't do anything to hurt yourself
     
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