Confused, Trapped, Hurting

[hazeleyes]

I dont really know what to say.. sorry if this is all over the place..

Im confused, dont really know what i should do. ill start by saying im in high school and a 3-sport varsity athlete. Ive been feeling depressed since the beginning of sophomore year, i will be a senior this fall. i always used to be high honors - straight a's, but from sophomore year, its been a steady drop, a long, dark, never ending, tunnel. junior year i got d's and an f. i was lucky if i got a c. i lost many friendships, i am shy. i dont hang out with friends anymore, and dont have close friends i can talk to. ive been thinking about suicide since probably december 2010, the thought of killing myself has never left my mind. i just wish it would all end, im giving up more and more each day.

sports have been my outlook, theyre the only thing that keeps me going. i honestly feel if i wasnt as good an athlete as i am i would have killed myself months ago. no one knows i think about suicide, no one knows im depressed. ive become so good at putting on a smile and hiding the pain, its almost routine. i never let anyone in, i never cry, not even when im alone, i hold everything back.

but about 6 months ago i started cutting my wrists. i started because i knew the pain would make me cry and i could feel something and maybe, somehow, be able to give a care about anything - living. well it worked i cried, and bled, a lot, but still didnt care. i just want an end to all this pain, a way out. i felt a rush, and now thats what i turn to - cutting. each time i cut it gets worse, deeper and more bleeding. i cant help it. but its getting harder to hide my wrists, because i am constantly playing a sport. so i just become more secretive and i cut on my hips.

there is one person i trust, my coach, who also teaches at my school. he knows my grades have dropped and we've talked about that, but i could never find a way to tell him its because im depressed.

i want to tell him, but i feel trapped and confused. i dont know how to approach it, what do i say? "hey im depressed and i wanna kill myself!"? i dont know what to say? what do i say? "i need to talk to you"? how do i approach telling him everything?

i think if just one person knows, if i have just one person to talk to i will be okay and able to deal with it. but its so hard keeping everything inside. if i do end up telling him im depressed and i cut and cant stop thinking about how i will kill myself, will he have to tell someone? like a professional or something? i know i can trust him, i know he will help me, but im afraid if i tell him everything he will have to say something. so what im asking is, if i tell him, does he HAVE to tell someone else?

please help me, any advice is grately appreciated, im so confused, trapped, and hurting

thank you for taking time to read this, sorry it was long.

 

[Speedy]

Welcome, hazeleyes. :hug: I just graduated from high school last May, so we're only one year apart.

In my public high school, word spread around among faculty members and staff. My counselor in the fall of 2009 found out about what was going on after my psychologist sent a letter saying that I should be allowed to drop several AP classes even though the school year had already started for two weeks. Before, the principal had been refusing to let me drop advanced classes, so my parents and I did all we could. As a result, other teachers eventually found out why I was having to drop out of classes. At that time, no one knew I was feeling suicidal, but word does spread of mental health issues (among faculty, that is). For example, when I was at a community college in summer 2010, my speech teacher thought one of my speeches was disturbing and alerted the campus security to watch out for me to "ensure I'm okay out of concern."

If you tell him you're feeling depressed, however, he doesn't have to tell anyone else, although he still might. It depends on whether you think you can trust him. Telling him you are thinking of killing yourself, though, is in another ballpark. I would say he would have to or would seriously consider it.

Knowing who to trust is so hard for me. I wish you the best of luck throughout your senior year. As for me, I couldn't handle the pressures and wasn't feeling well enough to get work done, so I later on became home-schooled during junior year. Whatever happens, I advise you to just be careful about who you talk about these sensitive topics to. I wish there weren't a stigma attached to depression/suicidal thoughts, but there is in high school.

Take care,

Alex

 

[total eclipse]

I think you need help now hun Ithink you need to trust someone and tell them how low you are feeling. With medication with therapy you can start feeling better again and your marks may even get better. If you keep putting it off hun you will only get worse. You talk to a coucillor at your school okay and make sure they know it has to be confidential Please reach out now while you are young so your college years can be more happier and stable. Talk to your doctor even okay Your parents are the best ones to take th is too for they are the ones that will get you the help you need to survive okay to succeed hugs to you

 

[twofeet]

Believe it or not, the most important thing is to find one reason to live, and the best way to do that is through talking.