confused

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mes1234, Apr 30, 2013.

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  1. mes1234

    mes1234 Member

    I don't know what to think anymore. I'm so uncertain of everything. My mind is playing tricks on me. I have no idea what's going on in my mind. Depression has taken over every part of my life. It's taken over my thoughts, emotions, and actions. I feel like I've fallen off the right track. I feel like I have no control over my own life. I just don't understand. Why did this happen? Does it even matter? If I get better am I just going to fall back down and feel as miserable as I do now?
    I wish I wasn't born. I wish I had died. I really don't want to deal with anything. I don't want to feel anything, I don't want to live. But you don't always get what you want. I know I can't have death. Even though I could try to kill myself, I know I wouldn't be able to do it. So what do I do now? I feel hopeless, lost, miserable, and pathetic. The normal thing to do in my situation is to go see a psychiatrist and start taking medication or change your medication. Well, I've changed my meds and I'm seeing a psychiatrist and I'm seeing multiple therapist because I haven't found one I feel comfortable with. I had to deal with being insanely suicidal for three months. I had to go through those three months alone. I would watch someone die on a tv show and feel jealous, I would be on an air plane and wished we crashed, and I would fall asleep and wish to never wake up. I felt insane, I was extremely unstable. I should've been hospitalized. But I forced myself to live day after day, because I had no other choice.
    I don't know whether it was time, my medication, or me, but I do feel a little better. Honestly I think it's because of the medication because these happy feelings feel so unnatural. I don't believe that this is happening. I don't believe the hope I'm feeling. I still feel unstable and insane. But my mind is playing tricks on me. One moment I would feel like the strong and independent girl I used to be. Then all of a sudden, bamn, I'm back to the depressed and reclusive girl I'm used to. I think I should go to the hospital. I hate this feeling. But really I think it's just life. Life isn't fair and life isn't easy. We all have our own problems and we all struggle. So some of us struggle more than others. I just happen to be really struggling right now.
    I don't want to do this anymore. But I have no choice right? I can't die... sooo I have to try to get better, no I HAVE TO get better because why would I want to suffer through life like I'm suffering today. So in order for me to have a better life I have to force myself to try. But I'm so tired. Throughout the day I'll feel good and motivated, then a second later AAAHHHHHHH I FUCKIN HATE LIFE AND I JUST WANT TO DIE. WHY WON'T THIS JUST STOP?? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I just feel sane and fucking stable. That's all I want in life I don't want anything else other than to feel okay. Fuck I just want it all to end. I don't want to die, but that's the only way I can end my thoughts and miserable feelings. This is so sad. People are supposed to want to live. Sick people are jealous of me?!?!?! I wish I could just donate all my organs to people. Then I would be dead and I would've helped some people. Shit is that legal? Can I do that?!?!?!?!?!? It's probably illegal..
    I'm just so confused. Part of me wants to try to get better so I don't have to feel this pain anymore. The other part of me is saying f*ck this... Can we just die?
    Should I just go to a depression treatment program? Should I stay here and continue therapy? Should I keep wishing that suicide was truly possible?
    I don't know.. I'm confused.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry, I am in no way qualified to tell you what the best course of treatment is to continue to improve or best direction to turn for further help. I think your approach of just trying with meds, psych and therapist is bearing fruit though. Patience is a hard thing to master in best of circumstance and it is hard to remain patient when only seeing flashes of happiness followed by more pain.
    You need to learn to be happy and embrace. You have had a lot of time to get used to being depressed so other feelings are strange and different. People naturally shy away from new and different so it takes time to adjust to that possibility. You should be very pleased and proud of yourself for the efforts so far and for getting some small improvement. Try to use thta for encouragement to keep trying and keep talking to us!

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
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