I'm not sure if my suicidal feelings are real or I really just need to calm down. My feelings are all so contradictory. I sometimes think things will be ok, will just get better, other times I want to just die cos I've been depressed all my life and can't see anything ever improving. It's really hard to know what to. I have tried a few times- doctors just ignore me. Maybe I am just reacting to the situation. I'm currently undergoing psychotherapy but I don't know if I'm inventing problems in my head- I'm not really that bad, I just think I am? It's not like anything really bads happened in my life- just a series of little instances that have accumulated into one bad everlasting episode of depression. My life is off track at the moment but I don't know how to get it back on track or move it along. Or even if I care enough to do something about it. Am I such a bad person that no one wants to help or just totally beyond help- a fundamentally flawed individual that really shouldn't have seen the light at all and end this misery now? Problem is I'm so self destructive now- just neglecting a couple of things that are turning serious - that my choices are becoming ever smaller.