confused

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by grumpy, Aug 8, 2015.

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  1. grumpy

    grumpy New Member

    Im not sure what to say never been on a site like this. There is something wrong with me, It comes across as selfishness but I see it as not bothering anyone. I was self employed making good money and seemed to have everything going for me. I had 2 major life altering things happen to me, the loss of my father and 2 years later a breakup with a wonderful woman I never thought would not be in my life. These two things pushed me over the edge and began to self hate, I have attempted suicide many times but I am still here so deep down I must want to be here but everyday I am consumed by guilt and self loathing. I have been eating horrible and smoking cigs non stop the last 2 years trying to have a natural passing but im just fatter. I don't like leaving my house and only talk to 1 person, I am a hermit. Even tho I do not talk to anyone I am concerned that I will hurt people even if they don't know me anymore. I have thrown everything away that was worthwhile in my life and just want to go to sleep, not hurt myself but just go to sleep. I am scared, confused, lonely and don't see any worth in myself. I can see value in almost every person why can't I see it in me. If someone else were to say to me they feel depressed and wanted it to end I could tell them how silly that sounds and tell them how many great things there are to live for, why can't I do it for myself? Maybe I am selfish but even tho the pain is not physical my pain is real. I am so confused
     
  2. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum. I feel very confused all of the time too. I used to have a good job and was doing really well too, but my illness changed all of that. Now, I can hardly take care of myself. I'm sorry that you're suffering, but you're not alone.
     
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