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I'm kind of confused today because of something my Mum said yesterday when i visited. I dont know what to think about it.
My Mum doesn't know that i OD'd last week. She thinks i was in hospital because of Pancreatitis again. I didn't tell her the real reason because she thinks of suicide as weakness etc... my whole family does.
I got to talking about life and my situation with all my illnesses and my kids, depression, etc. I took the bull by the horns and told her I had thought about suicide and that i had really wanted to do it. She agreed with me that my situation as it stands is intolerable and she said she doesnt know how i have coped/put up with it for so long. Then she said she wouldnt blame me if i did kill myself!!!
I was actually shocked through and through.........still am. What is now confusing me is that I have always had that holding me back a bit, I mean my family's attitude and what i would have to live with if i failed. Now there is nothing to stop me, I have my Mum's support!!
Now I really want to do it properly because she understands........that worries, scares and confuses me. I REALLY want to do it, there is nothing to stop me now.
Also I think I have upset a few people on here tonight, but I dont know how! They know who they are so I'm not going to bandy names about. If you are one of them, please tell me what i did/said so i can put it right, for now all i can say is SORRY :hug: :flowers: :confused:
I know i'm not making sense here really but i hate that I feel this way again soooo soon after last time. Does this mean that i really do want to die and its not just depression? Does this mean that my judgement isnt really impaired by the depression and i really am thinking clearly?
I dont know, all this is giving me a headache. Why do i want to die? oh it doesnt matter anyway, im just ranting randomly:bash:
I'm going to bed, ive had enough.
Love you all, lea :grouphug:
My Mum doesn't know that i OD'd last week. She thinks i was in hospital because of Pancreatitis again. I didn't tell her the real reason because she thinks of suicide as weakness etc... my whole family does.
I got to talking about life and my situation with all my illnesses and my kids, depression, etc. I took the bull by the horns and told her I had thought about suicide and that i had really wanted to do it. She agreed with me that my situation as it stands is intolerable and she said she doesnt know how i have coped/put up with it for so long. Then she said she wouldnt blame me if i did kill myself!!!
I was actually shocked through and through.........still am. What is now confusing me is that I have always had that holding me back a bit, I mean my family's attitude and what i would have to live with if i failed. Now there is nothing to stop me, I have my Mum's support!!
Now I really want to do it properly because she understands........that worries, scares and confuses me. I REALLY want to do it, there is nothing to stop me now.
Also I think I have upset a few people on here tonight, but I dont know how! They know who they are so I'm not going to bandy names about. If you are one of them, please tell me what i did/said so i can put it right, for now all i can say is SORRY :hug: :flowers: :confused:
I know i'm not making sense here really but i hate that I feel this way again soooo soon after last time. Does this mean that i really do want to die and its not just depression? Does this mean that my judgement isnt really impaired by the depression and i really am thinking clearly?
I dont know, all this is giving me a headache. Why do i want to die? oh it doesnt matter anyway, im just ranting randomly:bash:
I'm going to bed, ive had enough.
Love you all, lea :grouphug: