confused................

I'm kind of confused today because of something my Mum said yesterday when i visited. I dont know what to think about it.

My Mum doesn't know that i OD'd last week. She thinks i was in hospital because of Pancreatitis again. I didn't tell her the real reason because she thinks of suicide as weakness etc... my whole family does.
I got to talking about life and my situation with all my illnesses and my kids, depression, etc. I took the bull by the horns and told her I had thought about suicide and that i had really wanted to do it. She agreed with me that my situation as it stands is intolerable and she said she doesnt know how i have coped/put up with it for so long. Then she said she wouldnt blame me if i did kill myself!!!
I was actually shocked through and through.........still am. What is now confusing me is that I have always had that holding me back a bit, I mean my family's attitude and what i would have to live with if i failed. Now there is nothing to stop me, I have my Mum's support!!
Now I really want to do it properly because she understands........that worries, scares and confuses me. I REALLY want to do it, there is nothing to stop me now.
Also I think I have upset a few people on here tonight, but I dont know how! They know who they are so I'm not going to bandy names about. If you are one of them, please tell me what i did/said so i can put it right, for now all i can say is SORRY :hug: :flowers:
I know i'm not making sense here really but i hate that I feel this way again soooo soon after last time. Does this mean that i really do want to die and its not just depression? Does this mean that my judgement isnt really impaired by the depression and i really am thinking clearly?
I dont know, all this is giving me a headache. Why do i want to die? oh it doesnt matter anyway, im just ranting randomly:bash:
I'm going to bed, ive had enough.

Love you all, lea :grouphug:

 

Your mum NEVER told you to commit suicide, your mum NEVER said she wants you to commit suicide, your mum never said she'd like it if you did. You're reading something between the lines that does not exist. I know people both with mental, emotional and physical difficulties in their lives that makes me thinkg "How can they keep going?". That does not mean I want them to die, I can see why they'd do it but it doesn't make it right, doesn't mean I sanctioned their suicide and would not try to prevent it if the opportunity arose, as would your mum. You are only seeing what you want to see out of that line.

Depression usually comes hand in hand with suicidal feelings. They don't tell us theat it's right to do so. Are we ever truly right to decide that? Like I said, your mother can see why you may feel suicidal but she didn't say she want you to give up fighting your depression and wants you to commit suicide.

How can anyone think clearly when they are depressed and consider suicide? I know I can't. All get the good moments with the bad. Although I know the good moments are few and far in between at times.

 

True enough. But I can definatly understand how you get those things even if they aren't so, seems we chose things we feel over things we think over rationally. It's hard.. with all the past experiences and problems and etc.. and you feel so awful, but it gets to the point to where we are thinking with our mixed up emotions, and not using the bit od ratioality we should, lets not be black and white, we can use feelings and rationality. :wink: :hug:


You know I am here for you anytime, and please know that I care for you, and I'd miss you if you were gone, I'd :cry:. Stay with me/us hun! :hug:









:hug:




--All my love,
Carolyn--

 

Lea hun she was letting you know she understands not that she thought you should do it.
As to upsetting anyone here, if you did (which i doubt) let it go. We all have bad days where maybe we say the wrong thing, everyone knows that and should be ok with anything said or done while in a state.

 

:what: I didn't say my Mum wanted me to commit suicide or that she told me to, I know exactly what she meant, I am very close to her and I know she would be devastated.
What I meant was that I always knew/thought that my Mum totally disapproved of suicide and, that always made me think twice before because, I didnt want to disappoint her/gain her disapproval. Now she has told me she understands it makes it ok to me, I know she understands. Now I REALLY, REALLY want to get it over and done with :help: . I dont think I can exactly explain it properly, how i feel and what I mean. :dunno: :blub: Thankyou Caz and Terry.
lots of love,
Lea :hug: :flowers: :grouphug:

 

No need to explain understand it completely (someone who has tried to get her mothers' approval all her life and failed <---me).

Whats happening hun, whats making it all seem so bleak :sad: :sad:

 

Lea, I really don't think that your mum saying she would understand if you did means that she has changed how she views suicide. No she didn't say it was okay and you know that. She understands the pain you are in and that you would like it all to stop. She is telling you that she is not sure she would be able to cope with it as you have. Yes it would devastate her. Especially if she feels you have taken her words in understanding to mean that it was okay now. Please continue to lean on us here. Let your mum help you through the suicidal times now that she is aware you feel them. Don't give up on things. You now have even more support than before. Stay safe, Lea. :hug:

 

Terry, I'm not sure what is happening, only that I now feel free to die. I know I shouldnt feel this way but I do. I cant explain it.Its like I'm trying my hardest not to do it, :dunno: I dont know, I'm weird!!:argh: I'm just finding it hard to cope right now :headache:

love from Lea x x :cry:

 

How can you feel free to die when you have kids and a mother you admit is very close to you and who would be devestated by your death?? I'm not being horrible I'm just really confused cos I've never been able to get past that guilt.

 

that is why this thread is called confused. There is a lot I havent mentioned here that would make me feel this way. I DO HAVE my reasons, this is notjust a random feeling.

Love from Lea x x

 

So much is wrong today.......
I'm in pain and can hardly walk/move etc.
Im totally fed up with it all.
Mykids treat melike crap!
I'm tired but i cant get any sleep.
I took pills again.