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A friend of mine killed himself a couple of years ago, which hit me pretty bad for a while. We had been drifting apart for some time, mostly my fault, so I felt responsible for not being there for him when he needed me.

But later I learned from a common acquaintance that he had begun to dislike me. Well, I think he hated me, though I'll never be sure. There were other signs, too. I was going through particularly rough times then, and since I've always been very shy my way to cope with it was to shut everyone off. Maybe I'm a little depressive. Sometimes it seems I've been down for most of my life. Anyway, I think he felt deserted by me. At the time, it seemed good to know he had turned against me, because it helped me to bounce back from the suicide, and move on with life. Now, I'm not sure.

Actually, what helped me the most was another person I had met, who did incredible things to put me back on my feet, and thanks to whom I had the first years of relative happiness for as long as I could remember. Unfortunately, it all came to an end. I've been feeling down and isolating myself again for the last couple of years. I fear I may have lost that other friend already. There was no definitive falling out, but there have been several negative signs. Worse, all this has affected my job performance badly. It's like the same crap all over again.

I thought I was over the suicide, as much as it was possible to be, but now I don't know anymore.

Does this make any sense?

Confused Idiot

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