confused

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jcat, May 6, 2007.

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  1. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    i don't know what 2 do. i'm 32, my life sucks. i hate my job, don't have any friends to speak of except my roommate. he's cool, but i can't talk to him when i'm feeling this way. i am bi-polar, manic depressant. i quit taking my meds in december. why i don't know. no sooner did i quit taking them that i started using drugs again. my drugs of choice are crank and heroin. more...
    i've finally discharged from california state parole, now i have nothing to fall back on if i am in trouble. i don't know what to do. since i was 15 i've been wrapped up in the judicial system in one way or another. now that i am off parole i don't know what to do. it sucks. it's like when i was on parole, if i was messing up i would get violated, go back to prison and clean up, get out and be ok for a minute. now i don't have anything hanging over my head. i am scared. idon't know what to do. i go to na meetings, and just sit there. the other day i was at work and just started thinking of ways to put me out of the misery of the world. i don't fear death. i attempted suicide in 1991, and the paramedics brought me back. i was dead for 2 1/2 minutes. i'vw been on meds pretty much since then. the only thing that i have going for me at this time is the internet. i sit here all night online and keep myself busy. but, i keep thinking stupid shit, and one day i am going to do it. i already know how i am going to die. heroin overdose. i just don't know when. i get bored, and think of things to do. the first thing that comes to mind is getting loaded. i know that once i start, i won't stop. especially now that i don't have parole hanging over my head. i don't know what to do. it's almost like i want to commit a felony just to be put on probation or parole again. that way i will be under an umbrella again. i don't know what to do. i really don't know how to be a productive member of society. this is the longest i have been out of jail in 18 years. i've been on probation or parole since i was 15.
     
  2. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    That sounds so frightening. :sad: Is there not a system were ex-prisoners get support that isn't dependent on them being on parole? Any groups or something that you can join. I can understand why you feel so at a loss and so much on your own. It's difficult to be institutionalised and then thrown out to cope on your own. I'm sorry that I'm not much help but I do really feel for you. I hope you manage to stay around and make some friends and a support network here.
    Best wishes,
    Sarah
     
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