Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by angelgirl, Nov 18, 2007.

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  1. angelgirl

    angelgirl Member

    I went to the doctor. He said I'm stressed.

    I cannot stop crying in the evening. I am always thinking about suicide. I cannot stop eating though I'm never hungry. I feel so much pain. I cannot sleep but I'm always tired. I'm afraid to go out amongst people.

    Is it really just stress?
  2. Sounds more like depression to me. There may be even more factors involved.
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sounds like more than that to me. But I'm no doctor so take what I say to a professional. I suffer from depression, bi polar panic and anxiety attacks. What you described falls into several of my demons. You have to get your doctor to understand how severely these things are disrupting your life. Don't sugar coat anything. There are meds/therapy/group that are all able to help. Please get to that doctor again and MAKE him understand. Good luck and your are always welcome here to vent or let others try to help.
  4. elliebelle

    elliebelle Active Member

    I completely agree and if your doctor doesn't understand then see another one. There are still some doctors out there who don't believe in mental illness.
  5. angelgirl

    angelgirl Member

    Thank you.

    My doctor will not give me anti-depressives. I'm in a 'fight' with my ex about the children - going to court. My ex signed the officiel papers years ago that I should have them but he changed his mind now so those papers mean nothing I guess. My doctor says it will look very bad if anyone finds out I'm on anti-depressives. He told me to just hang in there and not have a breakdown.

    I cannot see another doctor - it doesn't work like that here.

    I cry so much these days and now I'm either not eating all day or stuffing my face.

    I know it's selfish to want to die and leave my children just to get rid of my pain. I feel like my head is going to explode and I wish it would.
  6. angelgirl

    angelgirl Member

    I know people are thinking how can she consider leaving her children. I love my children more than anything and I do everything to not cry in front of them but then I just get angry and scare my children because I'm yelling. They don't need that kind of mommy.

    I really just want it all to end but I want to make sure my children are not around and I want to be sure not to be found on time.

    Someone once asked me when I had been truly happy in my life and I felt I had to give an answer but it was not a true answer. They did not like the true answer: I do not remember a time I was happy. Since then I now have moments of happiness with my children.

    I have always cried a lot. As a child I dreamt about my mom every night and I'd wake up crying because I didn't remember her face and had nobody to show me a picture or tell me about her. That is why suicide has not yet happened. I don't want my children growing up without me. They will just have their abusive dad telling them lies about me.

    The way my life has been I can just picture myself dead and going to where I go afterwards and being told about the future I could have had if I had just hung in their.

    But then I think about my life so far and it just gets worse all the time. If I loose my children in the court I have nothing left. But I still want to end it all even if I get to keep them because my ex uses them to tell so many lies about me to them and to social services and others.

    I considered contacting this hotline asking what to do when the doctor says it's just stress and yet I keep crying and buying pills to gather enough for that day to come soon. But I really do not want anyone stopping me.

    So why do I write it here. I have no idea. Maybe it's just my way of sorting through my thought. My doctor said it cannot be a depression because I can sort through my thoughts and speak clearly what I want to say. So maybe it is just stress. But that doesn't make it any easier for me. It is still so extremely painfull inside of me. I am so lonely even when I'm with people. I'm tired of being lonely. I know people say I seem to not want people getting too close to me, but I do. They say my guards are up and I'm not showing people the real me. If people saw the real me they'd run away fast. All this darkness and pain inside of me. My family and friends know a little and they back off from me until I lock it up again so they can pretend all is well and good. I'm afraid to open up because I worry I will not be able to control it and all the pain and darkness will come tumbling out and I'd get locked away. These days it's leaking out and I worry I'll have a total meltdown if I don't find a way to control it or I can get away from it by commiting suicide.

    Even in here I've only told a little about what is inside of me, my thoughts and emotions.

    I worry what happens after suicide. I read about it trying to find an answer.

    I guess I might get banned now for not wanting help.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 21, 2007
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