sorry this is long. i don't know how to explain what i'm going through in a short way. i was raised by loving parents. i have a girlfriend who is very supportive and loves me very much. i have friends around, some of them are really good friends and are worried about me. my life has been good up until last june. over the last 6 months life has been getting bad. i got in trouble in school in june. i did something that wasn't that bad... no cheating or anything... but over the last 6 months i've been in front of 4 committees, multiple administrators and eventually the dean, who decided to dismiss me from school. throughout the process, i wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about it. i felt that i handled it rather well, but each step of the way the consequences got worse. it was october before i was even told that i could be dismissed for this. i've appealed to the dean, but it's done. i've never felt like this... it took 6 months, but they broke me. i can't think anymore. my mind is blown. i worked the last 12 years of my life to get where i am. it wasn't easy, but i did it. now i'm $150,000 in student loan debt, my checking account is overdrawn, i can't pay rent or CC payments, and my plan for my life is over. with this kind of school, if you get dismissed from one, you can't get back into any others. my whole life has been for this one goal... and now it's over. and i don't think i'm strong enough to come back from it. i want to die, but i don't think i could kill myself because of the people who would feel guilty. my parents found out last week. my girlfriend has known since july and has been supportive through the process. two of my friends know the whole story, but most don't. i really wish i was dead. but if i killed myself they would all feel responsible... like they should have done something. i wish i had cancer... something quick... pancreatic cancer. i wish i could get hit by a drunk driver. i just can't do it myself... that would hurt the other people in my life too much. the other problem is that everyone else is studying for tests... tests i should be studying for too. i can't distract people from studying now. i'm alone most of the day. they're all spending 12-15 hours a day in the library. i sit and watch TV or sleep. there's no one around. my dog doesn't even like to be around me anymore. i've never been mean to her (my dog), she just wants to hide under the bed. when i got the dean's letter (he didn't tell me in person), i didn't know how to deal with what i was feeling. i've never been good with emotions. i'd rather not have them. anyway, i punched a mirror, hoping to get a big cut on my hand that i'd have to deal with to take my mind off of stuff. turned out mirrors don't shatter like in the movies, so after a dozen hard punches all i had was a bruised hand, which wasn't enough to overcome the feeling i had. i took a scalpel and cut the bruised hand. not much... about an inch in between the 4th and 5th knuckles. enough that it needed a couple of stitches. putting the stitches in was something to take my mind off of stuff. and i did a good job too considering i had to tie one handed. 15 minutes after i was done my girlfriend came home. she asked about it and i told her i punched a mirror and cut it on the mirror... showed her stitches and bragged about how good a job i did fixing it. she lectured me on punching pillows instead. i can't worry her too much because she has to concentrate on school for the next week until tests are over. a couple of days went by where i was still alone. she called me once from school to tell me some funny story that happened. it was nice hearing from her, but hearing what was happening at the place i should be is a lot to deal with. while i was on the phone talking to her, i punched the refrigerator over and over. the stitches broke and i got blood all over the fridge. for some reason... i still don't know why, i decided to cut a little farther. cleaned the scalpel and made the incision 2 inches. deep enough to still need stitches but not so deep that it got to the ligaments. this time it took 8 sutures to close. it's still bandaged, so she doesn't know that i made it worse, but now i'm thinking about cutting somewhere else. it's a better feeling that just sitting thinking about how good i used to have it and how i screwed it all up. i was going to cut my shin... right on the tibia where there's nothing important that can be damaged but skin and bone... no nerves or vessels. it's weird. i always thought stuff like this would hurt, but there's not much pain. a little with the cutting, because i have to go back multiple times because i start superficial so i don't cut through anything but the skin. but all in all it feels kind of good. it's like dreaming. i think that's why i sleep so much... my dreams are much better than my life. the school sent me to a psychiatrist (probably to cover their a** in case i did kill myself), but she just asks the typical scripted questions. stuff they taught us to do... so i know the drill. i try to beat her to the punch with the questioning and see her scramble for a response. i also know that if i tell her everything i'm thinking then i'll get locked up for 96 hours on a suicide hold. it's a legal thing. so i don't tell her everything, but it's not like that would help anyway. well... i don't know if anyone has any advice on this, but if you do i'd be glad to hear it. i'd be impressed if anyone actually read this far. seems this post is a little longer than the normal one. i left some stuff out... so if it doesn't make sense in places, i can explain things further. just do me one thing... if you have advice, please don't let it be "this is going to be ok". i wasted the last 12 years of my life preparing for something that can't happen. now i'm stuck with no money, $150,000 in loans and 1.5 bulls**t degrees that won't make me any money. it's not going to be ok. i just wanted one thing out of life... and i did everything right to get there... until now. i can't take it. i want to be dead, but i don't want it to be my fault so that people blame themselves. they don't deserve that. i just want to disappear. i wish no one knew me. i wish they'd forget. something.