Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by UnReg, Mar 2, 2009.

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  1. UnReg

    UnReg Guest

    I am very confused as am having feelings for a woman. This wouldn't be a problem except that I am very much a heterosexual woman and have never been in this position before. Also she's someone I see in a professional capacity so it's not like anything could ever possibly happen, even if we both wanted it to. It feels weird and not nice. She's all I can think about. But I'm wondering whether my psyche has "chosen" her because she's a safe person to have a crush on, because this is all it is, isn't it? Thought I was a bit old for crushes now though. :(
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Crushes can happen to anyone, at any age, to any person really. I am wondering if maybe this person is a therapist or someone similar?

    If it's appropriate, do you think you could make talk to the professional about how you feel?

    I do think it's common to develop feelings for safe people, or people who show us care, or attention, or maybe give us time. It happens to many, many people in a whole variety of circumstances. It can definitely be very confusing, and that can add to the confusion and distress that the situation causes you. You're definitely not alone with how you feel though.

    Do you want to tell us more about it?
  3. UnReg

    UnReg Guest

    I really don't think I'd be able to talk to her about it. She is my gp and you're right that she's been brilliant and supportive while I've been going through a rough time but I've had supportive female relationships before and never had sexaul feelings for the person because I've really never fancied a woman. That's what is making this much more difficult because how can you fantasise over someone one minute and then go and look them in the eye? I feel ashamed.
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I truly think you have no reason to feel ashamed, although I know it can be easy seeing it from the outside than the inside.

    I have formed a very deep attachment to my therapist. Mine is not sexual, but I crave her to hug me, things like that. However, people do form sexual attachments too. I recently came across some people on another forum talking about transference and when I read up on it, it made complete sense to me and suddenly it explained why I felt as I do. I found this article really helpful for me.

    Do you know what it is that makes you feel ashamed of this?
  5. UnReg

    UnReg Guest

    That was an interesting article - thanks.

    I think it probably does apply here. I was sexually abused as a child and perhaps sometimes I get confused between sex and love because what I was told was love obviously was just sex. I also get very ashamed over any sexual feelings because I know that no one could love me. They could only use me for sex, you know? Maybe what I feel for my gp has become mixed up with sexual feelings because I just like her a lot. Do you think?
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I think what you have said is a very good interpretation of the situation, and I also think you have a very good awareness of yourself. What you say and the links you made is very important, mainly because you made that interpretation yourself, it wasn't planted in your head by anyone. If you feel unable to talk about this with your GP, I wonder if you have a therapist you could discuss it with, and maybe work through the feelings (such as the crush you feel, but also looking into the sexual abuse you suffered and helping you work through that)?

    I think it's very common to feel ashamed when you have been through the horrific things you have been through, but the reason you feel ashamed is because you were taught to feel ashamed, and that's not your fault. It also doesn't mean it is the 'right' thing to feel (I'm not saying it's wrong to feel ashamed, because you can and should feel whatever it is you feel, just that because you have been taught that anything associated with sex is shameful, you feel it in this situation, even if it is not warranted) and just because you view it as shameful, doesn't mean other people will view this as shameful too. I know I certainly don't.
  7. UnReg

    UnReg Guest

    You've been really helpful. Thanks so much. I do have a therapist (don't know why I didn't have these feelings for him actually!) so might talk to him about it, if I get the nerve. :) Thanks though. :hug:
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Something will have triggered your feelings for your doctor. It might help you feel more accepting of this if you can work out the trigger. It might be something simple like a tone of voice, a word, action, etc, or it might be something more complex.

    Talking to your therapist would be a very good idea. You wouldn't have to say who it was you feel your attraction to, unless you want to, but he could help you deal with this. :)

    I hope maybe you are feeling a bit more settled about what you are feeling, especially now you have a basic plan for what to do about it (i.e. talking to your therapist).

    Look after yourself.

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