confused

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by endlessskies58, Apr 21, 2009.

  1. endlessskies58

    endlessskies58 Well-Known Member

    i feel rather confused about relationships at this point in my life.

    i am finally over my ex (though no one believes me) but now i am taking a step back and worrying about friendships.

    when i was with my ex i made him my world and so i didn't put much effort into friendships. so now a year later, i feel as if i'm still holding a string trying so hard to keep some of the old friendships i had because i was so wrapped up in my ex.

    my ex became an obsession and i'm rather ashamed of it. i still find myself talking about him more than i should even though i know i would never want to be with him again...

    people 'deal' with me now... they don't come to me. i feel so bad.

    and i find i am having a lot of trouble making new female friends. then i have male friends who of course i'm still unsure whether they like me just because they want to fuck me or not.

    i feel healthy and would love to be in a new relationship but i'm so unsure of myself.

    is my personality with fault and more than most people even though i feel okay? i literally haven't been happier in a while...

    i guess i feel horrible about this because i couldn't leave my ex alone this whole year. what baffles me is why he'd still talk to me despite everything... i found out that he had been calling me crazy and yet he'd go to disneyland with me... i know its pathetic on my part because i paid feeling guilty for all i had put him through (though he had never said it specifically) but why did he go with me if he couldn't stand me?

    then he gets a girlfriend soon after and to make a long story short... i tried to be nice to the girlfriend in hopes of being friends with him because i was over him after a small while of not talking to him... (i really was... i surprised even myself... it was just the timing and i had tried ecstasy and was able to accept painful things i didn't want to accept on it) and she tells me that she thinks i'm fucking crazy.

    i was so unemotional towards this and yet hurt at the same time. i can't even describe how i felt. i guess i just didn't know how to take it because i almost felt like i was crazy.

    am i crazy?

    and its not like this little girl is a saint either. she's been with a lot of guys and cheated on some of them at only 18 and was a meth addict and 'homeless' (mom kicked her out) and went looking for my ex after meeting him once dealing drugs after only broken up with her ex for a couple weeks.

    i broke up with my ex a year ago am still single and still have only slept with one guy my whole life and i'm 20 and am doing very well in school with a job.

    ugh...

    but what pisses me off most is that i had sent him messages that i even told him through text to just forget about and delete on myspace. he doesn't talk to me but then he still reads them after avoiding myspace for a couple days because he knows they're there. why would he read them! that makes me so mad if he really isn't over me and that's why he was stringing me along! and if he's using them for a joke then what's the point?

    i don't want him to care about me because i don't give a shit about him anymore. he was a part of my past and important to me for a long while and experienced too many firsts with me but its OVER! if he wants me to leave him alone then he needed to have gotten over me!

    i hate him for it so much!!

    we even had a 'no talking pact' and he had made it sound like it was until i got over him... but to him, its until he dumps his girlfriend... NO! if that's how our friendship is going to be then there will be none at all!!! ever!!! i am not an option and i really don't think he realized that i don't care about him like that anymore!

    i am so angry at him. i blocked him and i hope i never see him again for the rest of my life.

    either way... i feel very frightened by any type of relationship right now whether it be friendship or lovers...

    i feel i've messed up my thinking. ya, i am a 'crazy ex-girlfriend' but how do i become healthy to the outside world and yet still be myself. i feel fine now... i just feel like i mess up friendships... like i can't keep them...

    i really just wish i could move to an urban area with a lot of people and just start over... a place like new york where i could meet so many new people... i love meeting people.

    but i'm stuck here to finish college.

    i just feel so confused. i try to do the right thing and i guess i'm too direct sometimes.

    how do you make a healthy friendship? how do you make a healthy relationship?

    or are we all just crazy?
     
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    No, your not crazy. I just think your very confused.

    Have you thought about not being in contact with your ex for a while, just having a break from him.

    As for friendships, keeping in regular contact, doing things together, are ways in what keeps a friendship healthy.