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Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by grinded serenity, May 30, 2009.

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  1. grinded serenity

    grinded serenity Well-Known Member

    guys... im completely confused right now. i dont know what to think of myself or what happened to me, but ill try to explaine as best i can.

    this never bothered me until today... this was something i completely burried in my head, in the back of my memories, and idk, something just triggered it.

    i remember i had a friend, he was a really good friend, we would hang out alot. this was when i was around 11 or 12, but we stayed friends until i was about 13. anyways, i remember thta he would tell me "its not gay if we dont suck eachothers...." well, yeah.. i hardly remember anything, i get the feeling something terrable happened, something i should know but i dont. something my mind is keeping from me almost, cause i feel its on the brink. i remember getting touched in places i didnt want to be touched, touches that wierded me out. i dont remember when or how or what, just that it happened. i get the feeling it happened more than once or twice or three times.

    the last day when i was taking a shower.. i got the feeling like i got molested. i wasnt raped, i KNOW that. but i got touched and felt and even violated, and that i let it happen to me because i didnt try to stop it. i dont know what to think right now, its 2:30 in the morning and i have to be up in about 5 hours, which wont happen because as of lately i dont fall asleep until 4.

    please help explaine this? im at a loss for an explanation to what happened...
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    It's something that your mind has fazed out into the deeper parts of itself. Try not to force this out though as in doing so will probably make your mind fabricate some details.

    Maybe in time, more and more of these memories will come to the surface.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi grinded_serenity

    welcome to the forum.

    I think counselling could help you dig up whats being blocked out and help with the feelings you're experiencing.
    It must feel awful not knowing, but try to deal with it instead of pushing it away.
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I have recently read a book left to me by a gay nephew called The Gay Mysique. It is 'dated' (c 1972) but it deals with early homosexual situations which, in fact, are quite normal according to this source and others and in which the individual turns to a completely heterosexual lifestyle right away.

    Most likely, the other individual was interested in exploring this "normal" act at that age as a means of self-descovery. I'm not an expert, this is just from what I've read.

    The most important issue is-how do you feel about your sexuality?

    It sounds like you are worried about it now because you feel completely heterosexual, which, if true, I'm sure that you are.
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