alright, so where to begin... I was best-friends with this kid named Stevie for 2 years, and I fell for him, (or at least i thought i did.) and he said he loved me, and i trusted him a lot. (stevie is also 20 and i am 14.) we were both virgins, and our late-night conversations ended up turning into phone sex, unlike how they used to be, when we talked about how the world might end, life, and random things our A.D.D. mind came up with. first off. how i ended up being close with someone of that age... basically, i talked to him, i thought he was younger, he thought i was older, we were friends for awhile and then found out each others age, we decided it didnt matter because he normally acts way younger anyways. but anyways, then I decided that I would give my virginity to him, and i did. which was a bad idea. immediatly afterwords, he started treating me differently, the i love you's during phone sex turned into "you fucking whore" he started telling me i needed to lose weight, that i was fat, i needed to stop eating and other emotionally abusive things. so I was so in "love" with him that i wanted him to feel the same and i felt disappointed, whenever i was affectionate towards him he told me to stop. i asked him if he still felt for me, and he said he did, but he didnt act like it. I stopped eating, and i started running, because he told me to. I have severe asthma and heart problems...everytime i run i either nearly- or do pass out. but i didnt care, i wanted to do anything i could to stay with him. (we weren't dating but i felt as if we were.) after putting up with all of this, i started talking to my close friend cody again, (i wasnt really talking to anyone but stevie while this was all going on.) and i told him everything thats been happening because i've been saying to everyone else that it was fine, stevie was great and stuff like that. but cody and i have talked about EVERYTHING since i've known him, which is about 3 years. Cody told me to stop talking to him, which was the first step, and i stopped talking to him, i replaced my late night phone calls with stevie with late night phone calls with cody. step two, cody helped boost myself esteem and got me to eat again without feeling guilty, then i started falling for cody BAD. i've always kinda had a thing for him, and him for me, and he fell for me two. and we have been exchanging I love you's. Cody is 16. which is a way better age difference than stevie. but since the stevie thing happend, i've been paranoid, i am afraid it will repeat with Cody. I trust Cody a lot, but then again, I trusted Stevie a lot. so i don't know what to do anymore. recently i've been getting paranoid thoughts about how cody probably doesnt love me like he says and has like 3 other girls or something...he's been hurt a lot like me and so i relate to him and i feel like he wont hurt me, and i know that he only says i love you when he means that. he's only said it to one other girl besides me, and that girl hurt him bad. i'm so afraid of hurting him and of getting hurt and i just dont know whats going on anymore. the line between dreams and reality has blurred. im completely traumatized from what happend with stevie, how long is it gonna haunt me and give me paranoia like this? and if cody hurts me...then i'm afraid i will just be completely convinced that love doesnt exist or something. and i really do love cody, its hard to explain, stevie was a different feeling that i called love but knew it wasnt really love. and cody, it is love. so i'm scared of this all because i dont want to get hurt like stevie hurt me. oh! and i hungout with stevie today, which probably wasnt a good idea, but i havent talked to anybody for a few days, and my cousin whom i am close to went missing and a bunch of other junk and i needed someone to talk to. Stevie didn't care at all. but he did say i looked really good. so i'm hoping maybe he misses me. I don't like him. I want him to suffer and realize what he did to me, and that he can never have me again. is that bad? meh.