I'm quite new here, so i hope i have put this in the right part of the forum. I have had depression for 18 years now. I have often thought of suicide & had a plan of what i was going to do if i did go through with it. My moods go in peaks & troughs- at the moment it is seriously low. I feel so angry & bitter which i have never really felt before. I get angry at myself a lot- I feel like a freak- i'm a 32 y/o woman who doesn't want to get married, doesn't want children- I just don't want a 'normal' life. I do have a bf but i could quite easily just go and live on my own with some animals & not speak to anyone face to face ever again. I know this won't ever happen as i have no money or way of getting money to keep myself with a roof over my head. I'm not on any medication at the moment- i used to be on prozac but stopped as i was fed up with relying on pills. I'm not sure if i should go back to the doctors to get some medication? My head is all over the place at the moment- ideas of suicide have been in my head constantly for the last week or so. I don't have my plan anymore & i'll tell you why..... I'm not sure if any of you are aware of a man called William Melchert-Dinkel (if you haven't- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Francis_Melchert-Dinkel) I spoke to him & he 'helped' me with what medication to take etc. When it all came out in the papers about what he did & i found out he was a creepy bloke not an ill woman nurse, it freaked me out so much that i told my councellor & told her i had a stash of pills as my backup plan. At that time i felt so discusted in what he had said to me etc i asked her to dispose of them for me- now i have nothing. I feel scared i don't have my backup plan- i need another....maybe i need another Melchert-Dinkel to tell me what to do? I just hate my life/myself i feel helpless & have no idea what to do. Suicide seems like one idea that can help....that is the only clear cut idea that i have. Sorry to ramble/vent...i have no one else to talk to.