This is it :sad: any day now it'll happen and it'll be too much. Don't want to try fighting it. Going to get everything ready. Think I have a song picked out, it's from something in past. Kind of weird choice, but it's calm and beautiful, and brings warm thoughts for me. Want it to be the last thing I hear. Calming thinking about it, I just want it so much, don't want to fight it. Wish I could do it right now. So many things in life I can't have, this is the one thing I can have. But I'm scared, and part of me wants those things I can't have, wants to try. It wants help desperately, thinks maybe if I can get past this there's hope. It's too much for me, I'm torn apart it's confusing. Feel horrible for posting this.