Confused

[MoAnamCara]

So I’m not sure what’s happening. I’ve been doing so well recently but yesterday I started to feel sad and I don’t know why. It started at therapy for no reason, just like a wave washing over me. The conversation was not triggering, or so I thought, it was just about self care etc. Today I feel similarly, and again I don’t know why. It’s frustrating and confusing.

There’s no reason for me to suddenly feel this way, nothing different happened, in fact good things are happening with regards to time off work etc.

So am I reluctant re the time off and being with my partner so much and subconsciously its affecting me? Were my recent days of normalcy just a temporary relief to how I had been and what seems to be creeping back in? Am I still just overwhelmed about what needs to get done at work today? What else is going on in my mind? What other subconscious things are causing this? And, how can I stop this starting again.

I really don’t want to go where I’ve come from, emotionally. I just can’t go back there. I’m not sure what’s going on, I really need to figure it out and fix it. Frustrating, hate this.

 

[MoAnamCara]

you know, am getting very anxious. Ugggh. Okay, need to go do something to try and relax, wish I knew what started all of this crap.

 

[MoAnamCara]

still dont know why im posting this crap.

feeling the same, getting worse, just can't shake it.

don't kow what to do next, im scared of going to that place I was in before, just don't want to end up there, with those feelings and those thoughts.

this is so crazy.

 

[hollowvoice]

hi mo i know these feelings one good day followed by ten bad just like flicking a light switch its good youve noticed the change though it will help pinpoint the causes of your depression you have to tell your doc/help that this is exactly whats happening to you
the thing is you notice the good things and your just waiting for the bad to return the reality
convos dont have to be triggering it could be a thought or a pic just the smallest thing
switch off get the work done then go out spend some money spend some time with your partner
here if u need to chat ok

 

[MoAnamCara]

thanks hollowvoice

am just in bits, crying and all messed up. stupid, stupid, stupid.

need to get a grip.

thanks for your words, take care.

 

[hollowvoice]

nothing is stupid ny friend
and its good to cry
maybe take the sadness out on a cup/mug smash it stamp on it take your anger and sadness out on the damn thing
xx

 

[MoAnamCara]

Hollowvoice

sorry, i can't do this but thanks.

take care.

 

[MoAnamCara]

so this makes one wonder, should i have just gone into that program afterall? i am that incapable of "being"? so now what do I do? And who really gives a rats anyhow? Whats the point? This is not good, I am obviously not good, blah blah blah. Who cares and on we go.

 

[MoAnamCara]

why does the mind go around in circles, gosh am going nuts.

I think Im trying to vent here. i dont know. oh gosh, need to go jump into a tub of icecubes to wake up or something, get me out of this sinking feeling.

 

[doityourself]

Your scared of changes your trying to make, dont stop now. Its so easy to beat up ourselves, its even harder to learn to love ourselves again.

And yes you could be nervous about spending so much time with your partner, you both have had tons of stress on both of you, so its hard not to remember things when looking at eachother. Try ignoring everything!! but eachother, start there.

Take your new puppy for walks, get outside and enjoy some fresh air, sit in the sunshine, listen to oldies on the radio and make a nice dinner and sit and actually eat it relaxed, so stress, no talking about things that are not simple, no making plans, nothing but just you and your partner and your dinner, add some wine to.

 

[MoAnamCara]

Self love is indeed a foreign concept.

thank you, take care.

 

[MoAnamCara]

okay - so the uncertainty continues.

wish i could figure myself out. this really is nuts. i should be happier, this weight is off my shoulders. im not sure still what happened, im still trying to figure it out. what was that trigger on thursday.... maybe i need to forget it as trying to think about it isn't getting me anywhere, its just making things worse.

makes me wonder whats the point. if im going to keep going in circles, whats the point in all of this.

and i dont want to think this way. im tired of it really. running away and hiding isnt going to help a damn either. no choices, trapped yet again. but one of my own making really.

what a mess. stupid, selfish and idiotic mess. stupid and selfish thinking. karma i guess does exist.