Any of you who read certain posts that I have made might be aware that I have feelings for my friend who knows about my suicidal thoughts. He told me he liked me too, but I'm constantly negative and ended up convincing myself that he didn't really like me. Then when we finally discussed it, he did tell me that the feelings he has had for his ex and other girls he ever wanted to date are not and will not be there for me. Ok, not particularly painful, had already convinced myself that that would happen, but my feelings won't disappear overnight...anywho chapter over...? I've been a mess the past few weeks, and he's been a really great friend to me, he's had a lot of patience and been very supportive. Well last night we were both drinking and, he kind of went on a rant about how I shouldn't care what people think of me and take control of my own life, but instead of being inspired as he intended, I just got upset and saw this as another reason why I'm a failure. I pretty much shut down for a while, didn't speak, shut myself in my room eventually, I think I made him really upset, and I thought he thought I was mad at him. I was very close to ending my life, but I texted him to let him know I wasn't mad at him and he came and checked on me. This is a basic summary of what happened over the next three or so hours. I cried, collapsed on the floor from I think a combination of drunkenness and no will to hold myself up, he helped me up, I cried some more, hyperventilation ensued, I may have passed out momentarily (I'm not really sure), he kissed me twice (pretty sure of that), we ended up making out in my bed (he started it), I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO HIM (!!), and then at some point after all of this, he told me that everything happens for a reason and that he really cares for me, he just wants me to be happy, etc. ...wtf just happened?? I'm so confused. Major mixed signals going on here, one day it's like "it'll never work between us" and three weeks later we're having sex? Do you guys think that he only had sex with me to keep me from killing myself or to somehow attempt to cure me of my depression? I feel like it's either that or he was just drunk and horny and I just got used. I'm not really sure what to think about all of this, I don't really understand guys all that well :/ Thoughts?