How do you know what is real and what may be imagined? When looking back and certain situations stick in your mind, is that the best that it gets when trying to know for sure? There are two separate childhood things here, one is def with some details, the other I am unsure. Its confusing and scary. I know I can't force anything to the surface but it is unnerving. Then there are two additional adult events/times that are rolling around. I'm unsure how to stop them rolling - how to stop that BAM! thing with memories and feelings and thoughts - flashbacks and physical reactions? I can't handle these things right now, in the future perhaps, or never perhaps - but definitely not now. In many ways I wish I could so that I could try to get over some things. To allow my mind to quiet. Its so hard to deal with these things daily. Not a day goes by where there isn't some brain noise about these things. I try to stay present, I try to avoid thinking, I try to avoid triggers that I am aware of. Its just tiring. And right now what scares me the most are my thoughts that perhaps things were very different than what I think they were. The idea itself turns my stomach, heightens my anxiety pretty quickly. Perhaps we will discover in time that nothing is there/was there, just the one def thing. Its so very hard. I guess i'm really not asking anyting here, just getting out my thoughts tonight. ugh.