Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by MoAnamCara, Nov 4, 2011.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    How do you know what is real and what may be imagined? When looking back and certain situations stick in your mind, is that the best that it gets when trying to know for sure?

    There are two separate childhood things here, one is def with some details, the other I am unsure. Its confusing and scary. I know I can't force anything to the surface but it is unnerving.

    Then there are two additional adult events/times that are rolling around. I'm unsure how to stop them rolling - how to stop that BAM! thing with memories and feelings and thoughts - flashbacks and physical reactions?

    I can't handle these things right now, in the future perhaps, or never perhaps - but definitely not now. In many ways I wish I could so that I could try to get over some things. To allow my mind to quiet.

    Its so hard to deal with these things daily. Not a day goes by where there isn't some brain noise about these things. I try to stay present, I try to avoid thinking, I try to avoid triggers that I am aware of.

    Its just tiring. And right now what scares me the most are my thoughts that perhaps things were very different than what I think they were. The idea itself turns my stomach, heightens my anxiety pretty quickly.

    Perhaps we will discover in time that nothing is there/was there, just the one def thing.

    Its so very hard. I guess i'm really not asking anyting here, just getting out my thoughts tonight. ugh.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    There is a notion called one's 'psychological mind', which suspends the notion of what really happened, as such, and deals more with the content than the actuality. We are never going to find 'truth', as all we remember is perception. There is a way to decifer what is most salient, as such, by the strength of the perception, but when suspending what happened and relating to what is feeling about what happened, one can attend to the work more effectively (if this makes sense)
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you, very much.

    This is what throws me off kilter, I'm tired of thoughts, images etc. I wish to be able to work through and past this at some point.
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    MoAn got some of the same kind of stuff rumming around myself.. i have someone who was around during this giving me their thoughts and memories of these .. do you have someone else that can do the same for you ???

    this is tough, very..was it so bad that memories and clarity was and is blocked just cause it was so bad when it happened.. got a friend who did hypnosis with a so called professional but she is still not sure what really happened..

    hope you find some real peace for yourself MoAn.. Jim
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you JimK

    We'll see how it goes. I can't push it right now, can't push myself with this right now. I need what energies I have elsewhere. Perhaps at some point things will make more sense.

    But as easy as it is to say that - I still think about it. I can't discuss with others who may be able to help as one of these was the other individual...

    Please take care JimK
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    So sorry to hear this Mo :hug: I don't have a lot to say but I am here if you ever need to talk about anything. Also when the time is right and you feel able to confront these feelings, a therapist can help you make some kind of sense of it all. I think it is normal to not be able to distinguish between what is real and what isn't because in threatening and painful situations we tend to shut off and dissociate. Once again :hug:
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks butterfly :hug:

    This is a little off the original topic but I'm interested to hear other's views on it. It still falls under "confused" however.

    An abusive ex got me smoking weed. It was pushed upon me pretty much. It was a way for them to get what they wanted, so to speak. But it was also a way for me not to be present, to escape and so I find myself consuming more and more. In many ways I therefore find myself responsible for things that happened.

    Logically I can acknowledge this is probably untrue. But this feels true. How do we reconcile our true feelings with the reality of situations?
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    thinking on this for a few days. I've concluded it was indeed my choices and subsequent actions which encouraged this situation. Now I need to fully accept responsibility. I believe I can do that, I've always presumed it was me. No more presumptions are needed.
  9. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    ((MoAn)) be good to yourself.. ok maybe you did the weed yourself but that does not give the right for anyone else to take advantage or you. not ever hon.. one misjudged action by you does not make someone elses's actions the right thing to have done..

    am over medicated myself cause of a med revision that is not working out atm and cannot get the words really right to say this now.. you did not do this ,,, they did and nowhere in hell was that right.. tc, Jim
  10. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You started through an abusive ex. Were you worried that if you refused they would become violent? Even if not, you did not do it for yourself, you did it for them. They knew what they were doing, they were creating this mindset of confusion and acceptance.

    This person is your ex, so you can see things more clearly now. The weed was just another way they abused you. But you got free of them, well done.

    You do not need to accept responsibility for it all. I do not know the details but it seems to me that you were not responsible for the weed, or what happened to you due to your being on it.
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