Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by helloworld29, Nov 12, 2013.

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  1. helloworld29

    helloworld29 Member

    I am stupid.

    I'm having serious suicidal thoughts for the first time, and its very confusing. I feel stupid. I self harm regularly (cutting) in places that no one can see, and even just that makes me feel SO SO stupid and immature.

    My mum tried to commit suicide when I was younger, and that was hard for us all to deal with after. So I'd make sure I did it right. I think I'll spend the next few weeks planning and getting everything in order before deciding whether to do it or not.

    I've been having counselling and just started on SSRI's. I understand that these drugs can make you worse before you feel better, but I just don't see the way I feel getting better n the future. Suicide is the only control I have over anything.

    Even saying the word is making me feel immature and stupid somehow, I don't know.

    I feel even stupider because there's nothing that wrong with my life I guess. I was sexually attacked in a club just over a year ago by a colleague, and I've had a bit of a hard time when I was growing up with family problems and my mums mental health, but nothing that no one else has overcome, which just makes me feel weak.

    I truly truly think that if I went no one would notice much. All my motivation to do anything with my life has just gone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 12, 2013
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Re: I am stupid.

    hi. I am really sorry things are so painful for you. Sometimes it is not a matter of history but of biology. Meaning, feeling this way is not always because of past expereinces. It can be because of physiology. Hopefully you will get a lot of relief from the SSRIs once they take effect. I hope you do not give up on yourself. And I hope you do not judge yourself for what is wrong. Because its physical, it is sort of like judging oneself for being born with any condition. Of course that is not something that is your fault. This is very much what I think about it. Depression etc is never the fault of the person. No matter what. :hug:

    All that you describe is a byproduct of that. Judging self. Thinking tha tif you "went" no one would notice much. That thinking is absolutly a thought that goes along with depression. I have had these thoughts also during the times when they depression is worse. I seriously believe it would not matter. When I am thinking more clearly I am able to see that losing a "child" ( of any age) a sister, a brother, a niece, nephew, friend... is devistating. Time does not heal when we lose a loved one. The pain does not subside. It is a life changing moment in time.... that is irrevocable. I do not say this to be cruel. I say it to let you know that you matter more than you realize. And that these thoughts are very common amongst those of us who are depressed.

    I hope you will post here often. Post how you feel. Even if someone like me thinks differently. just keep posting. Because this is a caring and good community. I come here and feel much less alone. :hug:
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