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Confusion, Anger, and Weary Acceptance

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by demuredawn, Dec 21, 2013.

  1. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    What do u do when you fall apart?
    Where do you go when there's no where to run?
    Who do you talk to when nobody's around?
    What do you say when words fail your heart?
    How do you survive when there is nothing that is safe?

    These are all questions I'm trying hard to answer because I'm in a place that is described by all of those questions. The first one might sound easy, most of us have been there.... I know I have several times over.... but when everything else is collapsing around you, and you feel yourself changing (not just cuz of the breakdown) it makes things a bit harder, and I don't know the answer anymore. I don't know the answer to any of them....

    I know I am alone. I know I am scared. I know I hate myself and what I'm becoming. I know that nothing makes sense to me anymore.

    Those things I know... and yet, I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't know anything at all... but I wish I didn't even question anything at all either. I wish I could be the completely happy child oblivious to the cruelties of the world and that imagines nothing but all the sweet things in life.... I don't think I've ever been that child though. Even before all the shit happened when I was 12 and on, after mom died.... I had dreams that I still remember vividly, nightmares really... that I was too scared to talk to anybody about them then and even now I rarely bring them up to anyone, not because I ever forget (they were repetitive dreams and are always in the back of my mind) but because I'm scared of the judgement I'd receive. I don't think that complete innocence everyone speaks of children having really exists. I don't think its their fault... I think the world makes it impossible.

    I think its impossible to thrive in this world.... either you are going to fall financially, or socially, or physically, or (worst of all) emotionally... or maybe even a combination of the 4. I think this world is designed for failure and if you're in it, so are you. I think that I'm worst of all of them but I'm starting not to care about that so much anymore... why should I? what difference would it make? I would still be scum. I would still be a failure. I would still be insignificant and unworthy of anyone. I would still be a thorn in everyone's side if they ever choose to talk to me. I wish I wasn't here, but the fact is I am and for whatever reason I no longer have the courage to make any attempts so I just sit and rot in misery... and then get chastised for doing that. Do I enjoy my suffering? No, I don't... and you can argue that if you want... I don't care anymore. I am tired of trying to defend myself when really people don't really care what I have to say about it anyway. They want to think what they want to think and thats all they will ever think. So fine. Have at it. Believe that I'm just some idiot that enjoys being in pain each and every day and that I then enjoy whining to everyone about it. That it gives me some huge thrill to do so cuz I'm just some sick fucked up person that really doesn't have a right to say anything about her misery because after all, I choose to have it. Believe that I don't know what is really going on IN MY OWN LIFE. Believe that I don't have a brain or eyes and can think and see for msyelf. Believe that everything is as easy as it looks from the outside ... and there could be no other possible reason why I don't attempt to leave my situation other than to piss you off and continue my circle of misery. Believe that I just love to get attention and don't care what I do in order to get it (or go through... even if it possibly results in my death, so long as I get attention doing it, that's great, right?) Tell me to shut up when I start trying to talk at all or just go ahead and change topic, after all... I'm not worth your time. I will just sit in the background now... maybe now I'll finally no longer be in your way or causing you harm in any way. All I ever meant to do was to try to help you up while I tried to get up too... apparently though, thats not what is acceptable in this life. Or maybe its just me thats not acceptable.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 21, 2013
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I guess it is really just me thats not acceptable.
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I can only comment on what I have seen, and from this it seems that you are a very decent human being. Isn't it always easier to give advice than to take it? I believe that you don't deserve the beating you're giving yourself. I find your presence around these parts to be very comforting--your compassion is extraordinary. What I'm trying to convey is that you are perfectly acceptable and more than welcome. And I love your signature!
  4. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

  5. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Cool song. Never heard of them before. I like her voice. Yes, feeling lost breeds unbound uncertainty...& needless to say, this is unsettling. But I hope you know that sometimes we don't always have to know where we are going or why we are here or any answers to anything. Because if we truly knew it all, wouldn't life be boring?
  6. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    yea i like Within Temptation a lot, most their songs really speak to me.

    thats just the problem though.... it's not that i'm lost just "sometimes"... i stay lost and just get more and more lost ... like trying to find your way outta the woods only to dig yourself deeper... but yea i realize i can't always know where i am going, but it would be nice to understand where i am going more often than not....

    and for those of you thinking the fact that i feel this way most times means that i am "just letting guide lead me where it may and not taking hold of my life at all", thats really not the case either, though i am getting scared to take the reigns of control as everytime i try to something more miserable happens. but honestly atm, the main reason i dont pick up the reigns of control is because i have no idea how to try to steer it to what i want.... i just want to at least feel contented, even if its not 100% happiness, contentment would be nice.
  7. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    And what might make this dream come true? What do you desire? If you could snap your fingers and then that thing comes true, what offers contentment? PS-I love your signature, too...
  8. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    if you are asking me what my dream is/was...

    i wanted a house with enough land for my kids and dogs to play in, out in the country somewhere away from other ppl so we didn't have to worry about safety, maybe a couple trees, a car that got me from place A to place B but didn't have to be beautiful or fancy, a husband that loved me and treated me kind, a fence in the yard to keep my kids and dogs safe, a computer, tv, radio for general entertainment but lots of board games and puzzles for family entertainment, enough food in the house to keep everyone satisfied, and enough money to be able to pay the bills and food and have a lil to spare for emergencies and a vacation like once every year or two... i didn't care if i worked but if i did it needed to have lil to no stress b/c i cannot handle stress and never have been able to

    if you are asking what i would settle for now

    i would settle for feeling safe and secure and not constantly feeling like i'm walking on egg shells or feeling like im not good enough or dont deserve to live or that nobody could ever love or even like me and that i dont deserve to be around ppl and etc all the time, i would settle for a shoulder to cry on with an understanding smile in the times that i need someone to be there, i would settle for an occasional glimpse at true joy and know that i'm truly loved and cared for by at least one person in life... i would settle for just knowing that its ok to be me, and i dont have to feel bad because i hurt or because i cannot be all things to all people or because i'm not beautiful or sexy or because i sometimes want to do things just for me ... i would settle for just being "safe" both in my own mind, in my personal life, and in the world.... not have to worry when the next time someone is going to hurt me is going to be (and i dont mean just by a misunderstanding, i mean by abuse) ... but i know i probably ask for too much

    P.S thank you for the compliment on my signature
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 24, 2013
  9. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Well I for one most certainly don't understand why you can't do a great many of these things. Perhaps you do, but if you can begin to believe in yourself and in your own abilities, then I feel that anything is possible. If you don't think it, you can't do it. I've seen the work that you do here for everybody else. And if you can apply some of that same intuition to your own situation (maybe view it from an outside problem-solving perspective), then who knows what you might be capable of? I'm not arguing for a trip to dreamland, I'm merely suggesting that it is not as insurmountable as it may sound.
  10. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    ty mister, but i'm not sure if you have read of my situation/circumstances, have you? if not, and if you would like, i will fill you in a bit...
  11. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I see you've had it pretty bad. I'm very sorry to hear of all the brutal things that have been done to you. It's hard for me to tell you what to do, given what you've been through. I don't think that any of it has been your fault, though you've likely sucked up your share of the blame. If you have any specific questions I can do my best to answer you. I just believe that you should not feel any guilt. Often times, change is difficult. It's much easier to stay in our current environment, regardless of its toxicity level. I guess what I would ask is if you could solve all of those problems (the reasons you gave for keeping things status quo), would you then do it? I think we can almost make excuses as to why we've got to marry to our messes. If we believe them deeply enough, they become completely inflexible. For instance, could you not get a roommate? Live with somebody else? Give your dogs to an animal shelter? Or adopt them? Whatever his problems are with regards all the ill that will happen once you're gone are really just that. His problems. His responsibility. I wonder, does he concern himself of what might befall you should you be on your own? I don't know. These are just ideas that would be ricocheting around in my brain we were to trade places. You've been beaten down so long I wonder if you know anything else (than how to be abused)? As I said before, it's not on you. I wish I could tell you something mildly helpful, but when I get depressed my intelligence plummets! Also, when you sought professional treatment, was it helpful?
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 25, 2013
  12. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    ok first of all... i recognize that you sincerely want to help and dont want to hurt me at all by giving bad advice or having me misinterpret you or things come acoss wrong or etc, thank you for that.

    secondly, i am not sure how much you or ppl that may be reading this are familiar with domestic abuse.... and a freind of mine on this site gave me a video that is very informative and very good at reaching out and educating people about domestic abuse. the video is 16 minutes long, but if you have time just to listen to it even, it will help a lot. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo

    next... honestly... i will go nowhere without my dogs... they have been my lifeline for too long and they are so attached to me and my husband quite honestly they would grieve themselves to death if we gave them away and the shelter here would kill them all... one b/c he's already been there 2 times and they have a 3rd strike and you're out policy.. another cuz he's too old... and the other one because she is too skittish around other people and gets snappy when scared (she is a chihuahua) and so she simply would not be able to be adopted out, so no, if i cannot take my dogs, i go nowhere... roommates around here ... no i would not trust anybody, i had a girlfriend here that i lived with for 2 yrs, she decided she wanted to get together with a different girl and later accused me of raping her and molesting her young daughter.... neither of which i did but which did put me into an attempt and thus into the psych ward, and still spreads those rumors, her mom when we both lived at her parents house would look at me and smile as sweetly as she could, talk in a sing song voice all the while cussing me out and telling me how much i did not deserve to live and how my mom must have been the lowest thing on earth to have a daughter like me and etc, i have seen others here just spread vicious rumors about others just so they can watch as that person's marriage falls apart or they lose their place of living, or their friends, sometimes even their jobs... and then laugh as it all unfolds, no the people here are not trust worthy enough to live with, also... one thing i have never said on this forum.... but i will say it now.... he also tells me of things he has done to other people that have crossed him or that he perceives as having hurt him in some way... some, he "repaid" right away, others years later.... some even in their sleep... trust me, the stories are not pretty at all. maybe they are just stories, true... i dont know... but thats the whole point, you dont' know either... and what if they ARE true... what if he does track me down years later when i'm not expecting it, as he always says....and does something to me then... or what if i fail at my attempt to get away and it just makes it worse..... so honsetly ...there are 2 conditions that need to be met for me to leave, and then yes i would leave

    #1 i would need to be sure that i could do the said thing and truly get away and be safe after doing so
    #2 it would need to be something that i was comfortable with doing and could live with... if i cannot live with it, it won't matter if i get away b/c i'm very good at beating myself up and punishing myself worse than he ever could
  13. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Believe me - it was not my intention to annoy you... With respect to #2: you don't have any reason to feel badly. If the roles were reversed, and you were in as much wrong as he is now, how much responsibility should he shoulder? I just don't believe that staying with someone because you're afraid of what might happen when you leave is a good, sound reason to not leave. But that's just this idiot speaking.... Because you've got to keep in mind the other side of the equation. He's very comfortable having you there to play your part in his life too! If I told you I had a wife. And she's made my life Hell in the past. She's making my life Hell in the present. And she's guaranteed to make my life Hell in the future. What might you recommend? I've never been in your position, so I apologize for my naïveté.
  14. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    You are not annoying me, believe me I am good at cutting off these convos when I feel I am not being heard. Honestly, I have had conversations with people in my position... and I recommend them all the different resources I know are out there... but I also make it clear that I know that its not just about wanting to go, and that sometimes things are not as simple as they appear from the outside looking in..... and then I tell them that no matter what they decide, I'll be here for them to vent to if for no other purpose. Sometimes, just having that... allows people to see that they are able to be cared for without needing to be abused, and sometimes that much knowledge goes a long way in giving them the courage they need to get themselves free. Honestly, to you, being afraid of what may happen if I leave, may sound like a foolish reason to stay.... but let me ask you this: If you went to a friends house thinking you would just have some dinner, maybe a few drinks, play a game or two, or whatever... but when you got there.... you realized that all the telephones had been removed from the home, the blinds were all closed, the doors had all been locked, and they were now sitting there watching you closely, holding lethal weapons.... how quick would you be to try to leave knowing you're being watched all the time by someone that not only is meticulous to plot all this out and con you into believing they were your freind and cared and everyone else around you guys into believing the same everytime you came across someone else ... and that this person is now ready to harm you... kill you maybe, or maybe just torture you, or maybe both.... if you make the wrong move? And then let's take it one step further... lets say that someone comes to the door.... (your friend keeps you a distance from the door so you cannot bolt out)... and then comes inside to visit a bit, and you get some time alone with this person, and you try to tell them of your distress, but this person just pushes you aside telling you that they cannot or do not wish to help you or maybe don't even believe you.... and then tells your friend what you said to him/her while your friend was away and laughs as if they thought it was a joke... the person then leaves the house.... and your friend begins a bit of torture on you .... not anything that would be visible upon looking at you without close inspection ... the marks are in hidden places....

    Some questions:

    1. How keen on telling/asking someone else for help would you be?
    2. As long as they keep that weapon and their eye upon you, after receiving that first bit of torture, how keen would you be to run while they were watching and try to get away? What would you think would happen if they caught you? Would you really be willing to risk that?
  15. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Did I say foolish? I didn't mean it that way (no excuse, mind you!)... Oh, I hope it doesn't come across as me taking the situation you're in for granted. Or that I'm in any way belittling your pain. Or even implying that it is an easy thing to do. Because I don't believe that at all. The only thing I wonder is this--if you were to leave, would you be happy? Forget all of the other reasons (the dogs, the guilt, the danger)... How would that make you feel if he was out of your life? No, I know it's not simple. I'm quite convinced that I could tell you of my most desperate troubles, and that you could solve them all, just like THAT! One-two-three. And who knows, you may even be right. But that still doesn't change the fact that I'd have a hard time making the change. This, I know.
  16. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Given the last post of yours so far in this thread dawn, I'd go as far to say, would you be more content (dare I say it, happier too) having a bit more freedom than how you currently live?

    It's taken my current partner almost 2 years of talking with me to make the decision to end things with her ex, for her sake, and she's finally been being heard by mental health teams. The level of "manipulation" and "emotional abuse" she was suffering is now greatly reduced, and overall things are on the up.

    Ok the situations are different, she's a bit younger and not been subject to quite as much in terms of the years of it, so by that reckoning it would take a bit longer for you - but to get to contentment - it would require you putting yourself first for a bit rather than melting into the shadows of accepting things being the way they are.


    I'm not the best with advice - I can only go on what I know has worked, not just once, but twice (and both people are less suicidal - in fact, one's getting married on new years eve and I give her away as the traditional "father of the bride" would) - although I am aware that everyone is different.
  17. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member


    Honestly, if I got away from him.... I would go through the same heart-break people go through when they have break-ups from someone they love... because right or wrong, I love him .. or maybe I love the idea of who I thought he was/think he is, I don't know... either way it boils down to .... love. On top of that though, I would deal with much more pain because of my borderline personality disorder. This always happens to me when I break from someone for this reason. Also, remember, this has not been my first controlling/abusive relationship I've been in, so I do know how I will react. This is why I say in some ways, I am more dangerous to myself than he is to me (if I get away from him). The only true way I could see getting away from him, and being safe both from him and myself and feeling okay about it.... is as likely to happen as the earth colliding with Pluto is likely to happen.... I am not saying that I have given up hope on finding a solution, only that I don't see a likely solution at this point.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 25, 2013
  18. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member


    to be honest... i'm not exactly sure if more freedom will make me happy... it may actually scare the hell outta me because i have had freedom so rarely in my life ... i may see freedom as another stressor, i don't know. now.. does that mean i don't want the chance to have freedom? nope... i would like that chance ... just that i see it kinda like, do you remember your first day at school.... waiting for the bus or getting outta the bus/car and going into this strange huge building away from your mom and dad and family and all you knew for the first time.... and how scary that was? thrillling yes, but scary too.... kinda how i view freedom

    but yes, i crave it. but i fear myself too... thats probably one of my biggest drawbacks the fear of myself. thats why putting myself first is as scary as it is, b/c if i put myself first, then i try to reach out on my own.... and then at that point.... i end up panicking in the middle of it all, and i sink headlong into my borderline personality and psychotic depression and become this suicide monster from hell nobody has ever witnessed.... and then the me that all of you know becomes non-existant.. and just withers away into the suicidal depression

    thats why i'm so lost.... i dont know what to do...

    ugh i'll just go ahead and tell you the one way i know would work... but doesn't stand a chance in hell of ever happening

    if someone that i trusted cared enough about me to let me and my dogs move in with them until i could get stable and/or another boyfriend or etc, (unless of course the person was my boyfriend as well), and didn't mind if i tried to make sure that my current husband is able to find housing for himself ... no i would not ask that they let him move in with us, just that they let me help him a bit financially if needed .... til he got himself set up.... i know that sounds crazy as hell, i really do, but u dont understand the amount of guilt i would feel if anything ever happened to him that i could in any way feasibly relate to myself as being my fault.... its fucked i know, but thats the only thing i know of that would/could work

    and you know the thing thats really messed up about it? i actually had someone that was going to do that once, that i knew from the internet but when i lost internet connection for four months, he stopped communicating w/ me at all even though i texted him and fb'd him and emailed him all through my phone and even snail mailed him.... so yea.... even that kind of offer i'd be a bit leery of anymore because i've been burnt on it before, and i had already started the process by telling my husband i was leaving ... so i almost lost it all.... i had to do a lot of backtracking to secure my place with my husband again after that....