What do u do when you fall apart? Where do you go when there's no where to run? Who do you talk to when nobody's around? What do you say when words fail your heart? How do you survive when there is nothing that is safe? These are all questions I'm trying hard to answer because I'm in a place that is described by all of those questions. The first one might sound easy, most of us have been there.... I know I have several times over.... but when everything else is collapsing around you, and you feel yourself changing (not just cuz of the breakdown) it makes things a bit harder, and I don't know the answer anymore. I don't know the answer to any of them.... I know I am alone. I know I am scared. I know I hate myself and what I'm becoming. I know that nothing makes sense to me anymore. Those things I know... and yet, I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't know anything at all... but I wish I didn't even question anything at all either. I wish I could be the completely happy child oblivious to the cruelties of the world and that imagines nothing but all the sweet things in life.... I don't think I've ever been that child though. Even before all the shit happened when I was 12 and on, after mom died.... I had dreams that I still remember vividly, nightmares really... that I was too scared to talk to anybody about them then and even now I rarely bring them up to anyone, not because I ever forget (they were repetitive dreams and are always in the back of my mind) but because I'm scared of the judgement I'd receive. I don't think that complete innocence everyone speaks of children having really exists. I don't think its their fault... I think the world makes it impossible. I think its impossible to thrive in this world.... either you are going to fall financially, or socially, or physically, or (worst of all) emotionally... or maybe even a combination of the 4. I think this world is designed for failure and if you're in it, so are you. I think that I'm worst of all of them but I'm starting not to care about that so much anymore... why should I? what difference would it make? I would still be scum. I would still be a failure. I would still be insignificant and unworthy of anyone. I would still be a thorn in everyone's side if they ever choose to talk to me. I wish I wasn't here, but the fact is I am and for whatever reason I no longer have the courage to make any attempts so I just sit and rot in misery... and then get chastised for doing that. Do I enjoy my suffering? No, I don't... and you can argue that if you want... I don't care anymore. I am tired of trying to defend myself when really people don't really care what I have to say about it anyway. They want to think what they want to think and thats all they will ever think. So fine. Have at it. Believe that I'm just some idiot that enjoys being in pain each and every day and that I then enjoy whining to everyone about it. That it gives me some huge thrill to do so cuz I'm just some sick fucked up person that really doesn't have a right to say anything about her misery because after all, I choose to have it. Believe that I don't know what is really going on IN MY OWN LIFE. Believe that I don't have a brain or eyes and can think and see for msyelf. Believe that everything is as easy as it looks from the outside ... and there could be no other possible reason why I don't attempt to leave my situation other than to piss you off and continue my circle of misery. Believe that I just love to get attention and don't care what I do in order to get it (or go through... even if it possibly results in my death, so long as I get attention doing it, that's great, right?) Tell me to shut up when I start trying to talk at all or just go ahead and change topic, after all... I'm not worth your time. I will just sit in the background now... maybe now I'll finally no longer be in your way or causing you harm in any way. All I ever meant to do was to try to help you up while I tried to get up too... apparently though, thats not what is acceptable in this life. Or maybe its just me thats not acceptable.