Confusion

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by virgo, May 5, 2012.

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  1. virgo

    virgo Member

    I'm so confused. I had a session with my psychologist yesterday. I made an effort to look good because I fully intended it to be our last session. I have the means, I have the place and I have the date. When I went in to see him I was almost at peace because my decision had been made. Then he threw a spanner into the works. Up to now he has been trying to persuade me that I should live for myself, that I have a right to live, that I have a right to happiness, and since I don't believe any of that he made not a single dent in my resolve to die. Now he has changed his method. He says that if I die now then all that I have suffered will have been for nothing. That I would be able to work with abused children, because I have been there and I know how they feel. That I could work with adults who have been abused. That I can't defeat my abuser by succeeding in life if I'm dead. If I try to help others by using my experience, I know that I will do nothing but harm. Everything I've ever tried to accomplish has turned round and become ashes in my hand, and now I'm so emotionally unstable that the idea of working with others is ludicrous. If only I could show him what I truly am. The twisted, damaged, ugly, hateful person that I see looking back at me from the mirror. If I could he would see that my decision is the right one. I just want the pain to stop. I was so sure yesterday, but now there is just the tiniest doubt - and I don't want it. I want to die. I need to die. Well, tomorrow was my chosen date, so I guess I'll have to try and resolve the confusion, so that I can die in peace.

    Thank you for listening.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    The way you see yourself, isn't the true representation of who you are. It's clouded by depression and unhappiness. I think your counselor has a clearer picture of who you really are, and obviously he sees some major positives in you, positives that you could use toward helping other people. Sometimes having a purpose and being able to reach out to others, can then help you to feel better about who you are. It gives you more of a sense of worth, of being needed.
     
  3. Whispers

    Whispers Banned Member

    Greetings, Virgo. Glad you're here and willing to talk. That's the biggest step right there. You want to live and find happiness again. If you didn't, you wouldn't be here talking to us. So congratulations on your first step forward.

    Don't give yourself timelines for suicide. They are meaningless and distract you from positive solutions and efforts. Instead, you need some deep-thinking with a clear head. Do you ever do anything relaxing or geto out of the house? Maybe go take a long walk. Be amazed how much it helps. Come back, take a long, hot shower and just relax in peace with no negative thoughts and work out a plan in your head of turning the page on this dark chapter of your life.

    Here's the thing, and there's really no way around it: This is just an obstacle in your life right now. Every obstacle can be overcome. May not appear so, but they all can. You just may not know how to get around it. Sometimes you need someone else to show you how and give you a push in the right direction. Keep in mind you don't have to walk through this alone. I can be by your side or anyone else here can. The choice is yours.

    Let's take some deep, calm breaths and talk about this in greater detail Start with the 2 biggest problems you're facing now and tell me about them in detail.
     
  4. virgo

    virgo Member

    Thanks, Whispers, for responding. I can't remember the last time I felt relaxed. The nearest I come to it is sleeping - and I don't sleep very well. The nightmares and the constant waking make relaxing somewhat difficult. I try to get some exercise every day, but it takes a lot out of me because forcing myself to do it is hard work. It might help if I actually wanted to exercise. I don't. All I want to do is to sit, like a useless lump of suet pudding, and contemplate the carpet.

    The first problem I face is that I don't want to live. It's as simple as that. I have multiple reasons, but they all boil down to one fact - I don't want to live. I do very much want to be dead. It's the dying part that is difficult. I feel dead already inside. The only thing that exists is pain, and a burning need to be dead. A need that is so strong that it adds to the pain I already endure.

    The second problem I face - well, I have so many to choose from that it seems pointless to try and identify a leading one. They change in importance. Some of them are : I have lost my children. I have five of them and all of them have cut me out of their lives because I became mentally ill ; I have financial problems ; I am improving only on the surface - I can hide my emotions better - but there is nothing changed underneath ; there is no cure for my illnesses, only the right meds will help me to control them, and I haven't found the right meds yet ; I have no home, I'm living with my uncle who is the only one who would take me in, but that can't go on for much longer ; I am still unable to maintain control of myself when in an emotional crisis, which is humiliating to say the least ; the list is almost endless. Or at least, it feels that way. I have tried to help myself, and failed. Every time. I have worked hard and diligently to try and improve my situation and seem to have achieved nothing. I don't have the strength left to me to continue. I don't have the will.
     
  5. Frenchie Gal

    Frenchie Gal Guest

    I know it's hard Virgo and it's really hard to make clear cut choices. It feels like there is no purpose and even though others may try to create that for you, you just can't accept it as it is not good enough. The question is: Do you care about anything? Do you care about your children and still have a sense of them in your heart? Do you have anything you feel motivated by or strongly about? Do you have a passion? What has kept you here so far? What is keeping you from killing yourself?
     
  6. virgo

    virgo Member

    What is keeping me from killing myself is two things. One - I'm scared of messing up and surviving and finding myself locked up in a psych ward; and, two - I make sure that I always have what I need with me and then keep making a date, getting to that date, and then making another one. Each time it gets harder to wait. Each time I have tried, I have got better at it and nearer to achieving my goal.

    I used to have passions, for painting, reading, music and gardening but I don't feel those any more. I have tried to just do them anyway, but it doesn't work. I find that I just sit there and look at them feeling hopeless.

    I still care about my children. Very much. Which is why I think that my suicide would be a good thing for them. A clean cut. It may hurt for a while - although I doubt that - but the hurt will pass soon. Whereas the pain of having to admit their mother is mentally ill, will go on for the rest of my life. My younger daughter broke up with her boyfriend because he told her she would land up in the looney bin like her mother. I have little doubt that there have been other instances, but since I don't have contact with them, I don't know.

    The only thing I really care about at this moment is stopping. Stopping the pain, stopping the fighting, stopping the living. My psychologist has taken advantage of the fact that I DO care about abused children - having been one myself - and has dangled the thought that I might be able to work with them in front of me. He is failing to take into account that that cannot happen. Unless I can control my emotional outbursts it would be unkind to put me in contact with abused children. I have no desire to make their situation worse, and being around me when I'm in crisis would do harm.

    I believe that my purpose in life has been fulfilled. I have had five children, they are healthy and happy (as far as I know) and seem to be doing well. If this hadn't happened to me, I have no doubt that I would have gone on to make a new life for myself once they had left my hands. I had intended to start painting again and to make a career out of it. Evidently, this was not to be, because I cannot focus long enough to paint, and I can find no replacement. There is no reason for continuing that I can see.
     
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