Consider suicide daily

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Graceinok, Sep 6, 2015.

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  1. Graceinok

    Graceinok New Member

    I'm a 44 year old woman first off. I suffer from PTSD, agoraphobia, depression, and anxiety. I've been unemployed since January and have made some progress mentally, but I relapsed significantly in July due to my car breaking down and not being able to get to my appointments with non profits and ministries. Car is fixed now but now I can't force myself to get out. I eat less than 300 calories/day and I contemplate and research ways to kill myself all the time. I have two grown children, two granddaughters who are both under two years of age, and a 14 year old son who lives with his dad. I honestly think they would all be better off without me in the long run. I don't have insurance and live in the U.S. so I really can't get inpatient treatment like I need. I love my family but I am sick of being a burden on them!!!
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you feel you are a burden on your family, they might see it differently. How often do you get to see your 14 year old son? Maybe seeing him more often may make life seem worth more? Congrats on your 2 grand daughters. May I ask, why do you have PTSD? I have it too and agoraphobia used to be a big part of my life but I lived through it and can say i'm no longer agoraphobic.
     
  3. Graceinok

    Graceinok New Member

    Thank you for welcoming me. I see my son about once-twice/month but am not always up to it. I was supposed to get him this weekend but couldn't get out to drive the four hour round trip to get him. I have isolated myself so my family can't see how bad off I really am! I have PTSD from being abused for nearly two decades by my adoptive father. I only mention him being my adoptive father because girls are 5 times more likely to be abused by a non blood related person. I was abused in every way possible by that man. He's no longer alive, but I still have emotional traumatic scars from what he did to me!
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi again. A bit like my best friend, she was abused by him all her life until she hit her teens and he died, she is now 42 and is still living with PTSD and inability to control impulses related to it. I think your best bet is to engage in counselling or psychotherapy (is that an option?) I was raped when I was 12 and the emotional scars are there but he has not won. I think you should fight this head on and you will feel better for it. See your doctor and arrange counselling, it may seem scary at first but you can do it and we will be here supporting you too ((hugs)) I am so sorry for what you went through, no one deserves that. Try and see your son as much as you can, make him a priority for you and your future, he needs you.
     
  5. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Grace, have you checked into Medicaid. Talk to an insurance broker. I don't believe they charge unless you buy something and Medicaid is free. I live in the states too and was on Medicaid when I was unemployed. Its not great and you have to get just about everything approved, but it is insurance. The Obamacare programs aren't really all that great.

    Have you ever thought that if you could get out and see your family and they did see how poorly you are doing, that might make themselves available to help. Your certainly should not have to go through this alone.

    I think about suicide just about every day too. One thing that helps me is reading stories on this forum about people who have tried and not succeeded in taking their own lives. Most don't succeed, and most find life is even more difficult after an attempt. Some have even wound up with lifelong health problems afterwards. Suicide is just not a good option.
     
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  6. Graceinok

    Graceinok New Member

    I'll check into Medicaid but that requires me getting out of my house which is a huge obstacle currently but I know I need to do it. The only family that I really have is my adult daughter to lean on and I can't put her through this much longer. She has her own issues to deal with. My adult son is completely apathetic and my own mother told me off several months ago because of me isolating myself. I don't want to be hurt again by her so I can't reach out. Plus she has her own mental health issues that she deals with (schizophrenia) but doesn't get treatment for. I feel like my only hope is a good inpatient treatment program for about a month at least. I am considering that I seek treatment for my anorexia first so that I have the energy to face all the rest. Otherwise, I don't think I'm long for this world. I'm barely existing as it is.
     
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