Considering self harm

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by hardlife, Dec 7, 2011.

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  1. hardlife

    hardlife Well-Known Member

    I've never harmed myself physically but in the lasts months I've been thinking of it and in periods I feel strong urges to do it. Now the urges are quite strong. I'm not sure why, but I've noticed that the urges comes when something have hurt me and when I feel things are unfair and when I feel hated and judged. Is it a way to punish yourself that I've got these urges? Or is it a compensation for lack of emotional support? It's a bit confusing as I think it would be more appropriate to comfort myself than to hurt myself. But the urges are there regardless of what is rational.

    Anyone who can relate do this?

    The only reason that I haven't started hurting myself today is because I'm lazy.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    For me SH was a way to know I was alive when I had no other option. I would not express what I was going through and I felt I was not worth being heard. As my voice became stronger, I found I needed it much less.
  3. hardlife

    hardlife Well-Known Member

    My voice is being shut by others so maybe thats why I need to feel something. But I can't really find the rationality behind the urges. Maybe its a kind of a protest against the world? Like "look what u r doing to me"? I dunno.
  4. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Sometimes it's there done to remind you that who you are is alive. Sometimes it's done to escape reality or a situation. There are really any number of reasons for why, but those are two that I kind of relate to. I don't let myself rememeber how much Im displeased with myself, so I don't attack myself by self harming. But I have done it when im extremely unhappy, unsatisifed, confused, disorientated, lost, ect.. It doesn't really help. It's like anything, it can do only so much, but you adapt, and you need to do more and more.

    Your last post makes alot of sense. Even though you can't "rationally" put it together. Talk more.. I know you're very hindered with talking freely, and I do on a very equal level feel for you. I don't know if this will mean anything, but who you are matters, no matter what.
  5. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    In your case it's very possible that you're thinking about it to feel some sense of control. That's how I started at the very least-- it was when I felt like everything was out of my control except for my own safety and life. So I started manipulating that to feel a sense of control and peace. Regardless, if you haven't started because you're too lazy, then by all means keep being lazy. It's not worth it and doesn't help anything except for temporarily, even though the scars are forever in some cases. At any rate, keep expressing yourself as much as you want and working through things, you might realize that things aren't as out of your control as you think, and that people care more than you think they do.

  6. hardlife

    hardlife Well-Known Member

    I would like to talk more, but I've got some really awful comments in here on PMs. And I feel that everybody in here hates me. I feel that I have made people sick, and that I have destroyed this forum for being here. I feel that I don't belong anywhere. Maybe the urges to self harming is because the pain would be consistent with these feelings. I feel that people in here would like me to suffer, or even commit suicide. Maybe I'm getting a bit paranoid.

    I just want to say sorry for being here. Sorry for writing. Sorry that I'm such a burden. I'm sorry for being alive. (This is not directed to you SBlake. It just came out of me now).
  7. Broken Wings

    Broken Wings Well-Known Member

    You can always PM me. And I know more than a few people here feel the same way.
    I know you don't have a lot of faith in the mods right ow, but if people are being rude or cruel in the PMs you need to report that. Take a screen shot to send, if you can.

    I do not hate you, and you do not make me sick.
    If a place were destroyed by your presence, that place deserved to be destroyed.
    I think this forum is better for having you, not worse.

    I don't know where the place is, but there is somewhere out here that you belong. And when you find it, when, not if, you will be so happy you pulled through.

    Never apologise for your existence, for hurting, for reaching out. You deserve to live, you deserve to be happy, and you deserve help when you want it.

    Please don't try self harm. I won't, and can't, stop you if you decide it is really what you want.
    But I am on the tail end of five years of cutting, and just now decided (again) that I am never going to do it again. And I can say it is not worth it.
    At the time, it feels like the best thing ever. And sometimes you can ride that wave for a fair bit of time.
    But at the end of it you are exactly where you were, just with hard to explain scars and a faint sense of regret.

    When you next see your counsellor, I'd bring this up. It can be difficult to do tell them, but they may be able to help.
    Try non-damaging alternatives if you can. Grip ice. Snap a rubber band on your wrist.
    If you haven't hurt yourself yet because of laziness, I'd say that now is not the time to start working on your motivation skills.

    - - - -
    If you must hurt yourself, please be a safe as possible.
    Hitting is better than cutting or burning, if it works and you aren't breaking bones.
    Sharper knives give you more control than dull ones; you can do a lot of damage with either, but the sharp one lets you decide.
    Keep antiseptic on hand. Make sure everything is clean. Have a clean bandage ready for cuts or burns.
    Aim for non-essential parts. Avoid veins and joints. Try to pick a place that won't move much, because while it can feel nice to inflict the wound, it rarely feels nice to get hit there by accident, or have it pull.
    Keep the area(s) clean and fresh bandages and lots of antiseptic.
    - - - -

    That's my PSA. I'm sorry if it is too much info, or too explicit. I am just trying to be clear and cover the bases. I can cut it if necessary, or tear off at the perforations.

    Now, for the rationale, I think it varies between people quite wildly.
    My first rationale was that I would just make a tiny cut, like a paper cut. No one would notice on my shoulder, as I wear t-shirts (and no one did).

    Why are the urges there?
    I agree with ThinkingCap. It is probably related to control.
    I think you're saying you feel unwanted, and unheard. That people are rejecting you. That they want you to be someone else, something else, so badly that they are hurting you. That they don't agree with how you live your life.

    So self-harm is a way to "show" them that you decide who you are, and they can't stop that.

    ...sorry this is kinda long. I just feel kinda strongly about it. I hope things turn to the brighter soon.
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