Hello everyone, I am a 21 year old male. I have recently become extremely depressed again, and have though about commiting suicide. I recently moved to the U.S.A from Australia and since I have been here I have been having problems that have battered my self esteem... I have started getting bad rashes on my arms... eczema the doctor says, I have started getting dandruff, which I had never had before, and had to cut my hair short so I can wash it every day and keep it managable, also I have gotten some cold sores since I have been here which I have never had before. I have always been extremely vain and never had a good self esteem (these issues are related I guess) The only time I ever feel good about myself is when someone directly compliments me... And it is not like I am particularly bad looking... I worked as a model from when I was 16 to 19, and I was recruited, I didn't go looking for that work.
However, its always the same... I feel good for a few hours, mabye a few days when I get a compliment, any other time I feel miserable, everytime I go outside I think everyone is looking at me... Looking and laughing to themselves. I spend hours looking the the mirror trying to convince myself I look normal, but it's never enough. When I get a cold sore (i've had 2) I stay inside for the duration... I have made few friends here because even when I think someone is interested I cannot work up the courage to ask them to hang out, because I am terrified of rejection, and I dont think they would want to hang out anyway, So I get extremely lonely. I have been sleeping with lots of girls in a vain attempt to feel better about myself... No matter who they are or what they look like, if they show any interest in me I will sleep with them. This makes me feel even worse in the end as I have a HIV phobia, but I keep doing it.
I have considered suicide before, the only things that have stopped me are thinking about how embarassed my parents would feel, and not knowing how to do it.
It's not like it is some short term problem where a girl dumped me and I feel bad about it, I feel bad about who I am, who I have always been, I look at myself and I just see a bad person. Someone who is so selfish and mean that they dont even deserve to live anymore. I have always treated people like crap and as if they where below me (although I have lots of friends at home) I dont think anyone would really miss me...
I really think I will do it this time though, recent events have culminated to plunge me into a deeper depression than I have ever been in before, and I cant think of a good reason not too.
However, its always the same... I feel good for a few hours, mabye a few days when I get a compliment, any other time I feel miserable, everytime I go outside I think everyone is looking at me... Looking and laughing to themselves. I spend hours looking the the mirror trying to convince myself I look normal, but it's never enough. When I get a cold sore (i've had 2) I stay inside for the duration... I have made few friends here because even when I think someone is interested I cannot work up the courage to ask them to hang out, because I am terrified of rejection, and I dont think they would want to hang out anyway, So I get extremely lonely. I have been sleeping with lots of girls in a vain attempt to feel better about myself... No matter who they are or what they look like, if they show any interest in me I will sleep with them. This makes me feel even worse in the end as I have a HIV phobia, but I keep doing it.
I have considered suicide before, the only things that have stopped me are thinking about how embarassed my parents would feel, and not knowing how to do it.
It's not like it is some short term problem where a girl dumped me and I feel bad about it, I feel bad about who I am, who I have always been, I look at myself and I just see a bad person. Someone who is so selfish and mean that they dont even deserve to live anymore. I have always treated people like crap and as if they where below me (although I have lots of friends at home) I dont think anyone would really miss me...
I really think I will do it this time though, recent events have culminated to plunge me into a deeper depression than I have ever been in before, and I cant think of a good reason not too.