Considering

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Unicorns_Grace, Nov 9, 2015.

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  1. Unicorns_Grace

    Unicorns_Grace Active Member

    Seems I have yet to sleep. I've spent best part of the day in my empty quiet house with just the wind blowing outside. I'm not sure if I would be better off moving.. I loved my house.. but this house is full of memories.. although not all of them are bad and I know they should make me feel better.
    I feel haunted by them.
    I am haunted.
    I know selling my house is going to be difficult we worked so hard to have this. extra shifts and I know I'm selfish... i'm lucky to have a house I know there is lots of people out there who wish they could have what I have. (had?)

    My dream house has become a nightmare.
    I rarely sleep through the night or day its now too quiet.
    No matter how high the heating is or how many lights are on it still feels empty and cold...
    I wouldn't dream of asking someone to move in with me they don't need to see the mess I am behind my 4 walls...

    Moving would be hard... where would I go? how would I even begin to pack up his belongings?


    Its been one of those mentally draining says where I haven't even got out of my PJs.... or left my bedroom.

    and I'm feeling completely confused and numb....
     
  2. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I'm still scarred from a relationship that ended 4 years ago (we were together almost 10 years and my first love). I can relate to the haunting memories, I still get them sometimes even from pretty small things like a song. I don't think that is selfish at all.
     
  3. Unicorns_Grace

    Unicorns_Grace Active Member

    yeah If it was just a break down of a relationship i could deal with it. its a home we built together and well he was taken from me too quickly right down to every room that we painted and decorated together.. it does make me selfish because i know there are a lot of people out there who don't even have a place to call their home and all i want to do is get rid of mine because I'm too much of a pathetic person to deal with the fact hes dead. and hes not going to be coming back....

    we planned to do too many things...
     
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member


    I understand your loss, I have gone through the same, we had made some plans because we both enjoyed doing them, I went and did them as if she was there, I cried most of the time because I was telling her about the different things we saw and I made comments about different things some she would hit me for saying, some she would laugh at and others she would love, I am Glad I did them!She would have kissed me after and said Thank You, I had a good time and I loved it!
     
  5. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    My Mom's mom died on Mother's Day. Years and years and years after, on Mother's day, my Mom would cry. I just didn't understand it. Why after so long? Well my mom and dad died in the 1980's. I don't cry anymore. But I sure miss them. And regret all the things I never told them. Like how much I loved them. Death is harsh.

    Is there someone who could help you clean out the house. My dad could not do it after mom died. So I packed up her things. You should have someone help you with this.
     
  6. Unicorns_Grace

    Unicorns_Grace Active Member

    that's the part that's hard to deal with, I'm not ready all his stuff is still hanging up even the draw where he kept his socks and boxers its all still there, its all still his... its not my house its our house the whole place is full of pictures on the wall. I even done his washing and ironing and put it all away even tho I knew he was never going to wear them again..

    I have had so many arguments with my friends well the very little friends I do have because they feel I am clinging to the past and I'm not moving on.. the world kept spinning they got over him but I cant... I still have his aftershaves on the desk I still expect the bathroom to smell of all the body washes he used but it never does...

    everyone has moved on and I'm stuck here in the house of nightmares replaying over and over again.. I still call his phone to hear his voice through his voicemail

    I had another argument tonight with a friends she basically reminded me its been a year she told me I should have moved on by now and done all this stuff... I haven't even changed my next of kin details... its easy for the to accept he has gone... she told me I'm infatuated with a dead person....
     
  7. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Maybe you could ask one of these friends who think you are hanging on to help you clean out his things.
     
  8. Unicorns_Grace

    Unicorns_Grace Active Member

    Sadly I don't think I could ever trust them to do it in a dignified way I know to them he was a friend who they spent time with because of me. but what they don't seem to want to understand is he was more to me than that.. they are treating it like we just broke up and expect me to get over it with a few nights out or meet someone else
     
  9. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I would never tell you to move on, I would never say the things that others have said, those are things that you have to do in your own way in your own time! We each Mourn at our own pace, those people that tell you to get a life really do not understand, they have never had to deal with depression, unless they have, not one knows what you are going through! All of us here in this Forum have dealt with it in one way or another, we have it so close to us for so long, some do not know any other way! Some of those friends are well meaning but most do not know or have never felt things the way that you do now! Unicorns_Grace, you are here now in the middle of this Forum sharing with people that care, You have opened up, Thank You, You are very brave, you have taken steps towards if not feeling great perhaps feeling a little better, you have people that you can talk to or even listen to or do or say nothing just a quiet place for you!. You have to move as I said before at your own pace in your own time, this is about you! We are here for you! We will not and do not judge, push or prod you! We really hope that you can find comfort and safety here, We hope that you will not rush with anything, I hope that you will be gentle to yourself!
     
  10. Unicorns_Grace

    Unicorns_Grace Active Member

    its hard to be gentle on myself I feel a lot of guilt... guilt for being so damn angry at him.. angry because he knew I was still awake he'd text and asked if id wanted anything to eat... and that he was on his way back... angry because he got into that car knowing his friend was drunk, angry because he left me he promised me he never would...
    angry because he knew I would have picked them up...
     
  11. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Unicorns_Grace, such a gentle pleasant name, I understand again the anger, I can feel it, wow i can I was going out with a woman when I was killed in the Industrial Accident, It went over the radio that one of the men was killed (Me) I was brought back I had 3 broken ribs from the chest compression I did not come conscious for quite a while, Hydrogen Sulfide displaces all the oxygen in your body, I was one hurting person, . My almost fiance was let in my room later that day the first thing she did was slap me hard, for putting her through that! So yes I can understand anger, Please see someone to deal with that, you have to much pain to have to carry hate and anger too, if you do not deal with it, like your anger at the Driver it really will tear you apart, here is an analogy getting angry and holding it it is like you drinking poison to try and kill someone! it does not hurt them at all! but it does a job on you! the other person does not cannot feel it, you can become infected with hate and anger, it soon takes over your life, it is all consuming! Please Forgive Yourself And Your boyfriend, the sooner the better, Please Be gentle, it will soon show on your face, your heath your personality, Hold on to life
    let go of hate and anger
     
  12. Unicorns_Grace

    Unicorns_Grace Active Member

    that's just some of the days the rest my whole life is like a big black hole of nothing where I cant even feel normal body emotions such a hunger.. and there is no concept of time when I'm not at work like now I'm on leave for 3 weeks I barely even bother to get out of bed let alone leave the house.
     
  13. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I have never tried this, but understand that others have and have been very successful with. Sit down and write a letter to each persons you are angry with. They never have to see it. It is just fine to write to those who have passed. Just vent and vent and vent in those letters. Write them over and over if you need to. If you do see an anger management counsellor, take them with you. I have been told that writing such letters can, at least, reduce the anger you feel. And True-Lee is right. You don't want anger to fill your life. It is one destructive beast.
     
  14. Angela Minton

    Angela Minton New Member

     
  15. Angela Minton

    Angela Minton New Member

    Unicorn Grace,
    Although I'm sure our circumstances are probably different in detail, every single word of your post rings true for me. Cold, empty house. A place I once loved that seems cold and haunted. Though I feel compelled to escape, I am afraid. Because that little voice inside never stops its warnings of impending doom. I stay inside now, never leave the house. I hardly get out of bed. I can't sleep. I am having nightmares. And more than anything I feel trapped. So how does a person pack up and move from a "haunted" house when she doesn't have energy enough to get out of bed? And is moving even the answer?

    I'm guessing that your mind, like mine, is a hamster running on a wheel as fast as it can, and getting absolutely nowhere. I know my head spins from my constant questioning of myself. Should I? Why did i? What's wrong with me? That in itself is exhausting. Add hamster on a wheel to lack of sleep and the result is devastating.

    Some things are easier said than done, but I am trying to give myself permission to "give up" in a manner of speaking. Give up on the worrying about the future, about what I will do next, just let go of it all, and give myself time to heal. Tomorrow, I will do a load of laundry. Friday, I will clean half the kitchen and take a short walk. If I can't leave the house on Friday, I won't punish myself. I'll just try it again on Saturday. If I concentrate only on those seemingly in consequential tasks, my mind will, hopefully, get the rest it needs to once again think clearly. Only then can I grapple with those seemingly impossible decisions like what to do with the rest of my life.

    In the meantime, know there is someone else out there listening to the wind.
     
  16. Unicorns_Grace

    Unicorns_Grace Active Member

    yeah I know completely where you are coming from its a never ending.
    do I give up the memories and potientally in the future for get and regret moving away from my pain or do I stick it out.. I'm young I know maybe I will some day love someone new, but then I have the doom of how could I ever allow another man to live in this house with me. I'm pretty sure that is wrong on so many levels how could it be 'our' house when I cant even deal with the fact its now 'my' house...

    move away and forgot everything or stay either way I'm sure there will be regret.
    my head is like a storm,
    sometimes it clear then its hazy then its pissing it down with rain and then its blowing of gale with too many thoughts and emotions I wish I could find the off switch...
     
  17. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member


    Unicorn_Grace, Please slow down, you are not in a hurry, you are not moving tomorrow, when you are hurting and sore and with the thinking going on in your mind now, Just Stop There is no Fire there is no Flood coming, you are not having a Tornado, please go slow do not make all your decisions in a rush, you need to heal first, that can't be rushed either! please Take Care of Yourself First, that is Primary, worry about the other things when you can give them your attention! Be Gentle to Yourself, you do matter, do not worry about What The Other people think or Feel, you can apologize to them if you have to Later. They are not your Concern! Take Care Of You!
     
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