Consolidated rant thread for myself

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by japanlover, Nov 6, 2010.

  1. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    Consolidating all my bitching into one thread. No spamming here. :duck:

    &&&&&&&&&WARNING&&&&&&&&&&&&
    If anyone does decide to read my posts, be forewarned that, even though my first language is English, my writing skills are sub par. You will find grammar errors, spelling errors, and sentences that may give you a headache.
    &&&&&&&&&WARNING&&&&&&&&&&&&
    So here we go....

    I work in an office full of women. I am sick of hearing complaints from my boss about how horrible I do. Wouldn't it be easier to find someone better? I can't leave my job because I have to support my wife. To be honest I could careless if I lived in a $300 a month apartment. At least then I wouldn't have to do much to pay rent. The other problem is I am too xxx to find a job. While others find a job within 2 weeks, it took me 6 months to find a $9 an hour job pushing paper.

    I have now switched what im going to do three times because of whats happening in life. I can't get into forensics because it requires huge political connections within police departments, I can't be a Chemist because I am no good at math and the concepts, then there is networking. Computer networking is fine, but I don't understand the paper concepts and only understand the practical examples without a teacher. I wanted to be in Chemistry so bad... BA in Chemistry MA/PHD in Nanotechnology. But the whole math thing goes with physics and Nano.

    Then the weekly routine of going to work, come home for lunch, go to work, come home, think about cutting my throat with xxxxx. These thoughts get stronger and stronger and stronger... I can only hope they fathom into something real. Something wonderful. I can't imagine what it's like on the other side. This may be partially why I haven't done it, because I don't know what the other side is. Am I a ghost? Does a bus pick me up and take me to a judgment table where they tell you reincarnate or move on. The other part of it is im a panzy. I don't like violence and pain scares me. The amount of it scares me. Draining the fluid out of your car does horrible damage and i think of it the same way with my body. It will be a painful, slow, death. That I may make through it... that would be the worst.

    I will recognize someone that constantly makes sure I feel horrible I am. Women don't understand, when they take their emotional frustration out on me, it makes me feel worse and increases the feeling of the xxxx. I don't talk loud enough, I don't make enough money, we need to have stuff, i have to make her repeat herself, I don't do enough, im selfish because I don't talk well. I share my discomforts.. That only pisses her off further. Who needs xxx when you have a boss and someone at home that act exactly the same.

    I am going to copy the idea from another thread.

    I would like to thank my parents for letting me know im never good enough. That my presence in this world never was welcomed and that I was simply an accident. You made sure and showed me that by having more kids then you could afford, by ignoring my dropping grades as a child, beating my ass purple because of my bad grades, throwing the clothes I was going to wear for that day in the backyard. Beat me down emotionally is what you were best at.

    But physically you never touched me. You never punched me in the face or physically abused me.

    Then to empty to tank. I would like to thank the people for for alienating me with your porn magazines and having sex with me when I was a child.

    I am permanently broken, emotionally, socially, and sexually awkward. The tank is now empty and it's time for some liqueur. :toilet:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 6, 2010
  2. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    Against guidelines, blah blah blah. I am not speaking in ways I would kill myself, only theoretically, or others. On with my rant! :huh:

    So...... this week has been fun. I wanted to die so bad this week. Tuesday was the peaking point. I thought of many things. I wish it happened so many times. Oh and school. Yes, the never ending crap that gets me no further in life. I don't know anymore then what I didn't already know. A language, a math, science, something! I tried learning piano, but I was a horrible failure at that. Needed probably private lessons, but that comes with fun dollar signs. Instead im stuck with learning something that may not even get me a job that I need.

    "Congratulations you have 5 IT certifications, a bachelors in computer science specialized in Java, but you have no experience! Tell him what he's won! You won a brand new job in a call center in India making $10 an hour and living on the street!" :excl::mellow:

    Now I don't expect to make what someone with a PHD and 10 years of experience has. That wouldn't make sense. All I ask is a fair wage and respect. I guess that's a hard thing to fathom with humans.:sheep2:

    I really don't have anything to rant on much this week... I'm pretty distracted between my accelerated class and working 12 hour days. :cat:
     
  3. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    Day 3 of craving a cigarette... why isn't it going away? :zombie::dry:

    I didn't do anything this weekend, I've felt so useless since I stayed up making sure my wife wakes up and gets going to school.

    Why isn't there a donut that makes you go into a coma and make you die after 2 weeks. :huh:
     
  4. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    Guess what kiddies? It's rant day. :tiger: :mortdesinos:

    So from the last post I did have a smoke and oh my was it wonderfully relaxing. I can see why people enjoy the feeling of it, but I can live without it. It is a once in a while thing. I no longer sleep with my breathing machine, it makes me absent minded, very forgetful, and unable to concentrate. The problem is I have to sleep 12 hours for me to benefit anything out of sleep. Well at least that's how I feel. It's pretty awesome.

    So no real suicide attempts or thoughts since the machine is gone. I started to become biter, watch things i used to hate, and not care about life anymore. Maybe this is the final step to become a zombie or become a man? Who knows.

    People keep asking, "what do you want for Christmas." A million dollar life policy and an untraceable way of dying. That's what I want. :sheep2:

    I don't know what the hell I want. I don't have time for anything. I don't need socks or underwear, I have drawers full. Oh I know... I want Einsteins brain, without the flaws of an ego, I want the imagination of Steven Hawking, and the sanity of Newton. I would also like the friendless of Barney the dinosaur. So I can explain the universe in terms of hugs and visiting places around the world, with my friend BJ. :sheep2:

    Wasting away on these forums while I have shit to do. LOVE IT:sax
     
  5. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    What THE FUCK. Seriously. I put shit in storage to find out someone unlocked our door and stole a.)180 piece racket set b.) a hand truck. I've had so many things stolen from me since living in this dump, I don't really care anymore. It's not expensive enough to report to insurance and it's too expensive for rates to go up. Fuckers. I know it's maintenance taking our shit. There would be no other explanation behind it. tools, hand truck, who else would need that shit. Seriously?
     
  6. LogDork

    LogDork Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    That sucks man, stealing a guys tools is especially low.
     
  7. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    I'm hot blooded can't you seeeee I have a fever of 1-0-3 degrees Fahrenheit. Im hot blooded, im hot blooded yaaahhhh :hamtaro:

    What the hell. Why can't I live on a successful planet full of a successful race. Why must there be so much fail in the world. I'll have 30 kids, that will solve the problem. :lol!: Let's go kill some people that don't even have internal plumbing or have any sense of morality.

    I get bitched at from all corners and it's getting real old, real fast. I can feel this level of something in my body. Right now its at my shoulders and goes down weekly. Maybe that's the level of hope I have left for anything. Or maybe it will go down to my ass and I can flush it down the toilet. :poo: No it doesn't. Shit doesn't happen. It only happens to the few people in this world. Millions of people sure. But again, you don't see me trying to have 5 kids to try to fix the problem :mellow:
     
  8. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    ELLO KITTIES :sparkle: It's wacky nut nut again. I love my little thread here. It's so lovely and great. I bet once the interwebs is filtered by frames, the anon of the interwebs will be gone and everyone will see what kind of psycho I am with my 31st century ideas of folding houses, transmutation, and using planets as water storage. :spaz:

    So... today. I wanted to blow my brains out. Soooooo bad. I just have that itch, i don't want to hurt anyone else. I just want to pull out a gun and boom. brains everywhere. The problem is I need to do it right, because if i don't, i'll be a veggie eating liquid, like a veggie. :bubble:

    I can't take it anymore. I hate how slow learning everything is taking. It takes so long for a human to absorb information into their brain its ridiculous. When I read at least, I don't take in 100% of what I read and I really doubt everyone else does. I am not speaking of as extreme as the matrix, but something faster then sitting there.... reading. I don't see why someone couldn't flash a book into their brain in a month or even 3 months would be faster.

    Can you imagine it? A 1200 page calculus book, page per page, put into your head. Able to recall all equations, all problems with their solutions, and use the actual knowledge? A good example is that episode of the next generation. Yes star trek. Where Barkley is given the flash of light and when he wakes up, everything is clear. He can solve anything and do anything with no issues at all. He is able to see pass the noise, the words, the interface, and directly to the root and how it will be solved.

    School systems are as old as time itself and we are now able to see text on a screen and never be able to feel them or hold them like a book. Sure it changes interfaces from paper to a screen, how about the brain? treating that as another interface like everything else.
     
  9. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I'll offer a **hug**, you can take it or leave it.

    I've felt the same way every bloody day for a few weeks, at least. Just figured i'd let you know you are not alone in that visualization and feeling. I know that's not helpful...it's just the way it fucking is. You said what i've been wanting to say and if i say much more i'll get jumped on by admin.

    Wish i could offer some words of wisdom. All i've got to offer is, I understand the feeling, you are not alone in it, and being a veggie seems it would be a horrid experience.

    Hope tomorrow improves for you.
     
  10. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    Well thank you. I may want to kill myself, but im civil. :wink:

    Yeah the whole veggie thing is worse. I would go from being a slight retard to a worse situation of not understanding anything or have any control of anything. A living hell i would like to call it.

    I am not necessarily afraid of the other side, just what will happen to me on the other side. Will I continue down a path of eternal pain and suffering because i will continue the cycle i did when i was living or will everything be clear and peaceful. That uncertainty is the only thing keeping me here, that and i couldn't really bear the tears of my wife. Watching her cry over my dead body makes me just cringe and want to roll in a ball.

    And this is why im stuck. I could honestly say if i was still single for a little longer and lived on my own, im sure I would be dead. Unless of course I won the lottery. Then I wouldn't have to worry about failure anymore. Being poor you have to worry about failure, because there is no room for it. :dry:
     
  11. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    Hello my little blog, rant thread. Well look at this... :rooster: doesn't that look odd.

    I FEEL USELESS. I want a second job to keep my mind busy and im sick of being so poor that I don't know if i have to make a choice between electricity or food. But remember, I don't qualify for welfare. I make too much. :stars:

    You know, this is fun. I can feel my brain melting over the weekend as I waste time. I can hear the voice inside me saying come on retarded go eat a cookie. Good moron, now go back to your game fatty. I found out my other trigger beyond being tickled, my ear being pulled. My wife gave it a good yank today and i pushed her off the bed. and she gave me the wtf face. lmao. It fucking hurt so bad i felt like my face was coming off.:stars:

    In short.

    I can't achieve what I want in life because im a fatty moron that trying at anything fails at. Oh you want to understand Chemistry? Fail. Physics? Fail. Nanotechnology? fail. Piano fail. :grr::grr::grr: EAT A :rooster:

    It's so much fun not being able to talk to anyone without them using shit against you. Oh you're talking about suicide poor me. Oh you can't do anything right well boo hoo. Can't get a 2nd job, oh well. Want to start your own business, you don't deserve it.

    I love living with two people in one. :stars::stars:
     
  12. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    :Jehuty: why is this named after the robot in that one video game? weirdest thing ever... Whoever made up the saying, "if you can't love yourself, how can you love others?" That is 100% correct. I don't know how and to love myself "I got a bullet with a name on it, a bullet with a name!" Well, at least I wish I did. Pills, not working out, nothing fixing how STUPID I am. You know what's fun? Sitting at the bottom of the economic scale and sitting in front of a computer complaining about it. You know whats more funny? I could work at mcdonnalds and jack in a box for a total of 16 hours and still make less then living wage.

    I say less then living wage because what happens when I say...trip, fall, and break my ankle and 5 years down the road i have a kidney stone to big to be pee'd out. Say I had 50,000 saved up, that would all go away to medical. That is another thing that pisses me off. Forcing medical attention on people. That crap is bullshit. :grr:
     
  13. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    :pokeball: PIKACHU I CHOSE YOU!!! :sleepy: ... wtf? :rolleyes:

    :Jehuty:rub the cheese, rub it... you freak!!! quit humping the cheese!

    so it's fuckface again. How's it going? :hiding:

    What the hell. Today has been a bitch. All this shit keeps building and building and building until im going to finally stop bitching and blow my brains out. And you think I won't pass the psych exam to get one? :rolleyes: Gun + head = over, finally.

    I had to go to my shitty job again, act completely fake, and slowly but surly, turn me into something else. My interest for anything is gone. My hope for the future is gone. I yelled at my other today, she got a little piseed, well im pissed. I can't even provide shit to anyone. I am always asked to do this and that, but the other person decides to sleep and do not anything :dry: I want to be homeless SOOOO BAD. It would fix everything. I am not wanting to be one of those homeless with no job, but homeless with a job, living in a car.

    Modern times makes living without a home so easy it's ridiculous. The only problem is summer months and its damn hot.

    If I didn't have a home. I wouldn't be on this box... I would have distractions of everything else around me. I could actually learn without temptations. Calculus is the solution to solve the human problem with this planet.

    omg becky, look at her butt, it's so big, she like one of those rapper guy girlfriends.

    Calculus will not only allow borders to be erased, but people no longer need to be homeless because they will serve a function of the collective. Not talking lazy, being a zombie. But contributing to society and mattering. Not another drone in the system that can be replaced.
     
  14. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    shout shout let it all out these are the things i can do without, come on, im talking to you so come on! :moonwalk:

    I'm pissed off at myself for being such a loser to everyone around me. I don't really have much today.
     
  15. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    :smurf:

    So yah.. :sigh:same shit all over again. Why couldn't' I be a gun owner to blow my brains out. It would make life so much easier. I tried the UK email helper thing, but after they found out i wasn't from the UK, as this forum is, they dropped the emails. I just don't get why life has to be so difficult in my head. I would understand I am having a hard time because im a teacher and there isn't many teachers jobs out. But I've always get distracted, and always get fucked over in the end. I don't really know how much more I want to go on. I have this urge to go homeless, maybe this will break to the point of driving off of a cliff.
     
  16. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    Step 1: Have a shitty job that torture you for nearly two years
    Step 2: Get fired from this shitty job 1 step before improving yourself
    Step 3: Steal a gun
    Step 4: pop
     
  17. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Hey. Nice thoughts here. I remember that episode.

    "Remember that kid that got everything he ever wanted? He lived happily ever after." - Willy Wonka.

    Well, conventional thought says that we don't appreciate what comes easy. So if learning were easy, we would no longer appreciate it. If you could flash the 1200 page calculus book through your mind and learn it in 5 seconds then we would simply move up to 51840000 page books. By doing that, we would have to work harder and thus, as it goes, we would appreciate it.

    I often put the horse before the cart too. I have some schooling in computers. I get discouraged a lot by what I think of as archaic interfaces between things. Funny thing is, I'm often too lazy to think of actual solutions for it. My excuse is always something like: You need schooling for that and there're much more resourceful people than me who could do the job more cost effectively. So I'll just sit on my butt and complain like a bratty kid. (ignoring for a moment that interface design actually interests me)

    The reality is we're going to have up days and down days. I waste far too much of my time. The trick to feeling good in life is to staying busy. The view from up there, where the disciplined people are, is much better than the view from down below where all of the deadbeats and dropouts hang out. People who give up no longer control their lives. And when a person doesn't control their life then predictability goes out the window. Without predictable things, we just live moment to moment; a very vulnerable state.

    But nobody wants to be used or tricked into thinking they have control. One of the things you learn when you go to school is that this universe has rules and processes. But humans are competitive and this universe has limited resources. We usually end up fighting over what's left one way or another. It makes us very suspicious of each other. It makes us too guarded?

    I'm split between thinking we're either too bent up or stiff, or it will never go away because of finite resources. If we were given all that we needed or wanted, would all of hte problems go away? Or if our paranoia about each other, our back stabbing and hoarding and desperation, if those went away, would our problems go away too, even if we still had finite resources?

    I usually find that my mood goes up markedly when I visit websites that cover progress and science. When I go to normal news sites I start feeling like the world is over and we should just all be shot now before it gets worse. I think that we as people of this planet need to start setting priorities and focusing on things that work, not on things that don't. We're becoming increasingly conscious and we have to figure out how to have cool heads otherwise I get the feeling we'll be set off like a firecracker.

    I'm such a blowhard. Sorry if I bore you to death with my talking. I know I poop chunks and stink real bad right now. Behind all of these stupid words, I'm a broken guy. I relate to your posts because I feel like a failure too. So here I am.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 16, 2011
  18. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    It's not that I want everything I've ever wanted. It's the fact im so burnt out from everyone else. Call me jaded would be the proper thing to think or say. I work my ass off at so many jobs and it just isn't good enough. I get fired or someone else gets whatever. I go to school to improve myself, but of course there are five people out of ten that are better then me. Putting this in perspective, my job competition in a limited job market is pretty shitty.

    I can then expand to I want to own my own companies, but there is no way to gain that kind of capital when I can barely keep a job let alone a reliable credit score for loans.I mean my father has been through the drudge. He worked his ass off for a company for 10 years then they poof disappear. But his universal manager skills pushed through any employer.

    In the end I am still pushing through school.

    Another thing, I speak fragmented and/or think fragmented when asked a question. I provide possibilities to the question but never a direct answer. The best is when im in an interview and I can't provide a direct answer to a question. A recent example is when the interviewer asked what a default gateway was. The only thing that came into my head was "a last resort if the computer cannot find the path" In fact this isn't completely wrong a more direct "book" answer would be "the path in which the computer takes when the direction provided is unavailable" lol that sounds like complete ass and not an exact answer, but that's what these assholes want.

    Though John, im glade you replied to my little thread here. Felt a little alone here.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 17, 2011
  19. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    I don't know what a default gateway is. Three things came to mind: a logic gate, a login procedure, some kind of routing server. So if I had been asked, i'd have no clue. I really am not a networking kind of guy.

    I grabbed a 2 year microcomputer degree a long time ago. I'm a coder, mainly. Then I just gave up and hid myself in my man cave and I don't go out. Sometimes peolpe can hear strange sounds come from here. Everyone thinks I must be dead or psychotic pervert.

    If you knew me, I think you'd feel a lot better about yourself. I have fail written all over me, if that helps.

    You may feel overwhelmed because you're still pushing. You just have to find a way to keep doing it. Have somehting to look forward. You got have to something other than school adn work to push you forward. Otherwise it's just toiling.

    You know how they say that sex makes hte world go round? Well, what makes your world go round?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 18, 2011
  20. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    Ut oh... hes back and has two jobs! Good job chum. But you now have to do this forever? Becareful what you wish for has come true. Instead of having a really good job. You have two jobs that don't pay enough congrats you turd. Seems the smilies were removed. That sucks. I don't have any rant beyond I have no way of making a good wage at one place. Forever yours, slave.