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Constanly comparing myself to someone else

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A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#1
I'm doing it A LOT lately. Particularly with this woman my ex had an affair with. I don't find much about her attractive (physical or otherwise), but she really thinks she's the bee's knees. I'm jealous of that too! But it's gotten to the point of total obsession. And the comparisons have been weighing on my self-esteem, which already quite low. Sometimes she'll post a photo and I'll just burst into tears... even though she's not anyone I'd even think about twice in any other normal circumstance.

Yesterday though she began posting about some things that have led me to believe she's having some serious problems. Like, financial and possibly in her marriage. She broke up with my ex already, but he still seems to carry a torch for her. Anyway, it did comfort me to see that maybe she's not some awesome unicorn with a super easy life. And I feel bad about that, but it made today kind of better.

But overall, this comparison thing is horrible. I feel really bad every time I check her out online. And I have to be honest, I've created several fake accounts to track her and my ex, and other women I think he's interested in. I have the addresses and phone numbers of some of these women. I haven't done anything, and that part of me seems to be in control, but it's scary.

Does anyone obsess like this, and have been able to do anything to ease these impulses?
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#2
Kudos for the honesty.its an obsession alright,, I emphasise deeply,,ive never had a social media account but I spend too much time on YouTube, wrecks my head.
My mind doesn't need social media to compare myself too others.my mind does it plenty enough,,its getting very bad .being sick and unable to live properly causes serious problems with the EGO.
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#4
As Lostinsight said, kudos for your honesty @A_J_R . You know, I have a feeling this is totally normal. The account I use here is one I set up to look for someone and having found not him but his wife I was really surprised she wasn't super gorgeous with an amazing career. Not even close. I felt sort of angry! I hoped when I found him he would be old and ugly but he hasn't changed that much and so it wasn't the closure I really hoped for.

I would say it's not you having the info that's scary, it's that people put it out there for anyone to find. I think stalking is a strange word for what is really just being able to see stuff that is for the public to see. I know a heck of a lot about his family because one or two family members boast about so much! Maybe it's just like following a soap?

But I think the real issue here is that he cheated on you with her and as you say, he still carries a torch for her. That obviously hurts like hell. Maybe you could talk with a therapist about these feelings to try and work through and get some confidence back again. I can't say I have come up with a solution because I only hope with time I will move on but you have been hurt so go easy on yourself, don't beat yourself up about it but maybe find someone even if just a close friend to talk it through.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#5
I'm not normally OCD, and I've been with someone who is. I don't think that's it, although in this case, the O in the OCD is strong. Stronger than I am. It's definitely a component. I think having all of the information on these other people comforts me, because I don't believe I'll ever use any of it, but knowing if I get hurt badly enough I have something to hurt back with... that's a negative response but it makes me feel like I can fight back. It's very complicated.

I will say I have had mostly positive experiences with social media. Made a ton of friends that I meet in person when I travel. But in this case, I've used social media as a weapon and that's negative and dangerous.

Thank you for your responses.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#6
As Lostinsight said, kudos for your honesty @A_J_R . You know, I have a feeling this is totally normal. The account I use here is one I set up to look for someone and having found not him but his wife I was really surprised she wasn't super gorgeous with an amazing career. Not even close. I felt sort of angry! I hoped when I found him he would be old and ugly but he hasn't changed that much and so it wasn't the closure I really hoped for.

I would say it's not you having the info that's scary, it's that people put it out there for anyone to find. I think stalking is a strange word for what is really just being able to see stuff that is for the public to see. I know a heck of a lot about his family because one or two family members boast about so much! Maybe it's just like following a soap?

But I think the real issue here is that he cheated on you with her and as you say, he still carries a torch for her. That obviously hurts like hell. Maybe you could talk with a therapist about these feelings to try and work through and get some confidence back again. I can't say I have come up with a solution because I only hope with time I will move on but you have been hurt so go easy on yourself, don't beat yourself up about it but maybe find someone even if just a close friend to talk it through.
Thank you so much for sharing. It feels good to see that I'm not the only one doing this. I don't feel good when I do it either, but the impulse just wins every time. I went about 3 weeks without looking at anything and I'm trying to get to that cold turkey phase again.

And yeah, I know what you mean about finding something you weren't expecting and not getting the "right" kind of closure. That's my day to day. I'm just obsessed with finding out why he hurt me like this. It gets worse and worse instead of just fading away, like i was told it would. But I'm not helping things along by pursuing these people. I don't have a therapist currently, but I do have a couple of friends I talk to and that has definitely helped. I'm hoping to go back to therapy after things calm down. I kind of need to do it in person and privately.

Thank you so much for understanding. It means so much.
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#7
I'm glad it helped @A_J_R , thank you. I could say a lot more but I have never told anyone the full extent of it and it's kind of strange even to me how it happened to start with and why I never found closure. I knew nothing for 30 years. Then I found his wife and it just raised more questions. It's feeling like a burden now so I'm trying to share a little on here to get it a little bit off my chest. I just wish I could move on.

I just think there are things in life that we will never know the answer to and maybe there is no answer to find. Maybe when we have so little confidence if someone hurts us we obsess more? I certainly do. I spent a lot of time thinking about an ex work colleague who took an instant dislike to me and I spend time now thinking about a neighbour who dislikes me but has never spoken to me. The funny thing is, both these women look a bit like me! Is there something in that? Maybe we are looking for answers about ourselves - what is wrong with me and how can I put it right? I've learned that with other women disliking me there is never an answer. There is nothing wrong with you physically, it wouldn't matter what you looked like, there just isn't any answer to why he chose her. My 'ex's' wife has a beautiful sister - why didn't he choose her? There is a local business here and on social media the owner posts photos of herself with the products. She is absolutely stunning and I thought, wow she is so lucky. But she was in the local paper this week and despite her looking like a model, she is a single mother of 2 very young children. Look at any supermodel and it's rare that they have long lasting and/or happy relationships.

Maybe he didn't so much hurt you as hurt himself? Is that a possibilty that maybe he self sabotages? Are there answers in his personality or his upbringing that would explain something of his behaviour so you don't blame yourself?
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#8
I'm glad it helped @A_J_R , thank you. I could say a lot more but I have never told anyone the full extent of it and it's kind of strange even to me how it happened to start with and why I never found closure. I knew nothing for 30 years. Then I found his wife and it just raised more questions. It's feeling like a burden now so I'm trying to share a little on here to get it a little bit off my chest. I just wish I could move on.

I just think there are things in life that we will never know the answer to and maybe there is no answer to find. Maybe when we have so little confidence if someone hurts us we obsess more? I certainly do. I spent a lot of time thinking about an ex work colleague who took an instant dislike to me and I spend time now thinking about a neighbour who dislikes me but has never spoken to me. The funny thing is, both these women look a bit like me! Is there something in that? Maybe we are looking for answers about ourselves - what is wrong with me and how can I put it right? I've learned that with other women disliking me there is never an answer. There is nothing wrong with you physically, it wouldn't matter what you looked like, there just isn't any answer to why he chose her. My 'ex's' wife has a beautiful sister - why didn't he choose her? There is a local business here and on social media the owner posts photos of herself with the products. She is absolutely stunning and I thought, wow she is so lucky. But she was in the local paper this week and despite her looking like a model, she is a single mother of 2 very young children. Look at any supermodel and it's rare that they have long lasting and/or happy relationships.

Maybe he didn't so much hurt you as hurt himself? Is that a possibilty that maybe he self sabotages? Are there answers in his personality or his upbringing that would explain something of his behaviour so you don't blame yourself?
Thank you again. This does help. Maybe I feel a less alone.

Closure is such a funny thing. At the end, I told him about how losing him was possibly more intense now because of the death of my parents. Meaning, I got extra attached because there was such a void left behind when they were gone. I can't say he was insensitive that, and he did try to give me closure, but because he's a liar, he told more lies in his last email to me. And that just made it worse. It was like, the sentiment was genuine, but then he was also trying to save face. So, I got stuck on the parts that were lies, and that made me question the sincerity of everything. And those questions keep growing and my circular thinking keeps them in my head 24/7. There's so much he could have done to make it better, but he just kept lying.

I actually don't know much about his childhood, so I can't say how he was raised and how that influenced his decisions with these women. I do know that when we were alone (alone, meaning, we lived in different countries, so mostly via text and telephone) he was different than he is online (which is where we met... then finally we met in person and OMG). And he confided in me about certain things.. Not his wife, but I saw the darkness in him, which he still denies.

It's possible it's self-sabotage, or it's possible this woman is just more aligned to his personal needs. I can't say. I find some of her responses to the world around her to be self-serving and sometimes abhorrent, but that's her online and my perspective clouded because I"m so jealous of her. I've also seen her be compassionate too. You know, it's hard to know.

For a time, she and I spoke a bit online via one of my fake social media accounts. I sort of created posts that would purposely get her attention. And she finally responded. And we talked a lot. She could be very nice. Sometimes, not so much. Finally it felt so horrible to do that... Like, how low could I be to sneak into her life and try to get info out of her? And ironically, his wife is on my same social media account too. I've even spoken with her. It's all so strange. I made my life so weird and strange.

Funny that I don't compare myself to his wife in the same way, but I am 99% sure he loves her but isn't in love with her. She's not competition to me. Sometimes though, when I go on her page I cry because I hate that she goes to bed with him every night, even though I know it's not a good marriage. I wouldn't care either, as long as he was near me. I can't let go.

Anyway, this is a ramble. Thank you again for sharing. I'm sorry about your neighbor. People are so weird. :P
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#9
I just did the worst thing I could do for myself.

There this woman my ex has a crush on and he's constantly on her social media and it disgusts me so much. She's half his age, and has no idea he's married. But the worst part is that she's like a younger, prettier me. And I can't stand that she's into all the things he's into. And I just saw on her social media she is doing something that I do (professionally) and it's like I can't win. She's me but in better packaging. He likes ALL of her posts. He never did that when we were together. It's so gross. I hate it.

Why do I do it? Why do I look?

I want so badly to contact her (I have her work phone and email) and tell her he's married. But what can I do, really? So, I just sit and watch. I'm feel so helpless and lost. I'm such a fucking mess. I need help. I need a lot of help. I'm so upset.
 
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