I'm glad it helped
@A_J_R , thank you. I could say a lot more but I have never told anyone the full extent of it and it's kind of strange even to me how it happened to start with and why I never found closure. I knew nothing for 30 years. Then I found his wife and it just raised more questions. It's feeling like a burden now so I'm trying to share a little on here to get it a little bit off my chest. I just wish I could move on.
I just think there are things in life that we will never know the answer to and maybe there is no answer to find. Maybe when we have so little confidence if someone hurts us we obsess more? I certainly do. I spent a lot of time thinking about an ex work colleague who took an instant dislike to me and I spend time now thinking about a neighbour who dislikes me but has never spoken to me. The funny thing is, both these women look a bit like me! Is there something in that? Maybe we are looking for answers about ourselves - what is wrong with me and how can I put it right? I've learned that with other women disliking me there is never an answer. There is nothing wrong with you physically, it wouldn't matter what you looked like, there just isn't any answer to why he chose her. My 'ex's' wife has a beautiful sister - why didn't he choose her? There is a local business here and on social media the owner posts photos of herself with the products. She is absolutely stunning and I thought, wow she is so lucky. But she was in the local paper this week and despite her looking like a model, she is a single mother of 2 very young children. Look at any supermodel and it's rare that they have long lasting and/or happy relationships.
Maybe he didn't so much hurt you as hurt himself? Is that a possibilty that maybe he self sabotages? Are there answers in his personality or his upbringing that would explain something of his behaviour so you don't blame yourself?
Thank you again. This does help. Maybe I feel a less alone.
Closure is such a funny thing. At the end, I told him about how losing him was possibly more intense now because of the death of my parents. Meaning, I got extra attached because there was such a void left behind when they were gone. I can't say he was insensitive that, and he did try to give me closure, but because he's a liar, he told more lies in his last email to me. And that just made it worse. It was like, the sentiment was genuine, but then he was also trying to save face. So, I got stuck on the parts that were lies, and that made me question the sincerity of everything. And those questions keep growing and my circular thinking keeps them in my head 24/7. There's so much he could have done to make it better, but he just kept lying.
I actually don't know much about his childhood, so I can't say how he was raised and how that influenced his decisions with these women. I do know that when we were alone (alone, meaning, we lived in different countries, so mostly via text and telephone) he was different than he is online (which is where we met... then finally we met in person and OMG). And he confided in me about certain things.. Not his wife, but I saw the darkness in him, which he still denies.
It's possible it's self-sabotage, or it's possible this woman is just more aligned to his personal needs. I can't say. I find some of her responses to the world around her to be self-serving and sometimes abhorrent, but that's her online and my perspective clouded because I"m so jealous of her. I've also seen her be compassionate too. You know, it's hard to know.
For a time, she and I spoke a bit online via one of my fake social media accounts. I sort of created posts that would purposely get her attention. And she finally responded. And we talked a lot. She could be very nice. Sometimes, not so much. Finally it felt so horrible to do that... Like, how low could I be to sneak into her life and try to get info out of her? And ironically, his wife is on my same social media account too. I've even spoken with her. It's all so strange. I made my life so weird and strange.
Funny that I don't compare myself to his wife in the same way, but I am 99% sure he loves her but isn't in love with her. She's not competition to me. Sometimes though, when I go on her page I cry because I hate that she goes to bed with him every night, even though I know it's not a good marriage. I wouldn't care either, as long as he was near me. I can't let go.
Anyway, this is a ramble. Thank you again for sharing. I'm sorry about your neighbor. People are so weird. :P