Constant Battle...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by brknsilence, Feb 10, 2016.

  1. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Been struggling lately over my eating and feeling depressed. I saw my Dr a few days ago. I got back on meds. He knows my struggles. I know he's trying to help. Even many others. I just can't get past my fears and part of my stubbornness. Why is life so complicated? I'm tired of feeling in the darkness that never ends. I'm tired of laying this problem on others. I'm exhausted in fighting and dealing with my issues. I just been wanting to disappear. I know restricting my food intake can kill me. A part of me is so scared it will but the other part doesn't care. How do I fight this battle in my mind that is destroying me? Just wanting sleep. I'm exhausted mentally and physically...
     
  2. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    I suppose it all depends on how much you weight to be a problem to you right now, but life is like that - it happens with each one of us and never seems to have an end. I am glad the meds are helping you, but even with what you say, you only think that of yourself because you are judging yourself when instead you should just not give a damn about people and get right out in the World and do whatever it is you do, even if that that is following a new career; just do what you want to do and while you will have more days like you are feeling now, in the end, use any and all optimism to your advantage.
     
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    *hugs*

    It's good to hear you went to see your doctor and got back on your meds.

    I hope you can stay strong and keep fighting, I know you're exhausted right now... but you've probably already come a long way.
    The fact that you can tell that restricting your food intake is that bad for you is a good sign. But I know that from knowing to making the right decision isn't as easy.
    You're strong, and you can do this! Keep being honest with your doctor about what is happening to you, there's help to be had
     
  4. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone. My Dr told me I'm at the borderline of being at normal weight to being underweight. When I saw the number on the scale, I was extremely disappointed as it was too high for my standards. Just trying to convince myself that the weight is okay is hard. For so long no matter what the numbers were on the scale it's always been too high. Just wishing I wasn't like this. I see my Dr again next month. Trying to get a hold of this before it gets worse. So exhausted and just driving myself crazy over this. Just wanting to get past this fear.
     
  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    *big hugs*

    I struggle with eating disorders as well, though I'm in the other end of the scale... many years ago I got rid of my scales.

    I would weigh myself and I'd feel so bad about those numbers, they would control my life... and I always made the wrong decisions based on it.
    Getting rid of my scales has helped my psyche a lot. At first it was hard... I felt a compulsive need to check my weight... I was a bit scared my weight would spiral out of control... I don't have the healthiest of diets I guess...
    But to my surprise the times I've been weighed through the last many years my weight have stalled.

    I don't know if this can work for you?
     
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  6. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you got rid of the scale. In 2011, my husband threw our scale away when the anorexia got really bad and I ended up in the hospital for a few months. After getting out, I bought another scale and secretly hid it. Last year, I came to the conclusion that no matter how high or how low the number was, it will always be too high for me. Now been using scales that the stores kiosk. Scales can be evil. Trying to keep myself away from those kiosks so I'm not feeding on to the ED. Thanks for being there. I will try harder to avoid the scales.
     
  7. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Forgot to add that I did throw my scale away a year ago.
     
  8. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    *big hugs*

    I will send you all my positive vibes for you to stay strong! Fighting an ED is a battle, but you can win! I believe in you
     
    brknsilence likes this.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    big hugs your way and glad you got rid of those evil scales, like thephantomlady said you can beat this and you will hun, just give it time,we all care about you here :)
     
    brknsilence likes this.
  10. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone - i didn't sleep well last night. Been laying in bed thinking. Just really sad. Just been wanting to give up fighting this battle. If I die, I die. Just drained and tired. I just don't know what else to do. So sorry. Hopefully I can find some strength within myself to keep fighting this.
     
  11. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    *hugs* you can always reach out if you need to talk. I'm sorry you feel this low
     
    brknsilence likes this.
  12. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Thank you - Hugs