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Constant Conflicting Thoughts

#1
In a relationship for 6 months now, and it started out great. It always does. I have puppy love and get high off it. But the problem is, it always dies out. Then it turns into exhaustion. Depression all over again. Getting short tempered with things that start showing through the cracks. I always end up finding something to get annoyed at, something to push myself away. The saddest part is, the more I think about it, the more I miss my ex - or exes.

I spent 7 years with her, and while the above may be true, I realize I got annoyed for no reason than to push her away. And she loved me endlessly, we were perfect together. Same interests, compatible social lives, understanding of everything in unison, all while appreciating difference in hobbies. All support, always. But I threw it all away, broke her heart and moved cross country. I lied to her about things which ate away at my conscience and pushed me to "save" her. But even after confessing my lies to her, she accepted me, said we'd work it out; I felt I did too much damage, so I left. I still love her, but it's for the better. I miss her, but I don't want anything to happen between us now. Nor do I expect anything to.

Now here I am, 2200 miles away, 2 and a half years later. Inbetween that time I made the mistake of falling for a girl in a different country. Red flags everywhere, made me feel worse than ever. But in her good days, she was the sweetest. Stupid me flew to her, ended up having to spend the last 3 of the 5 days in a distant hotel after being headbutted and punched for what seemed like 5 minutes. I flew back with a black eye and a backpack heavy with shame. (Fuck you by the way, but i still wish you the happiest of lives). I miss her too, crazily enough. Not because of my current relationship woes, but because I don't stop caring just because someone has exited my life.

Then there's her. I miss her more than ever, though i know we'd never end up together. She'd find something better eventually. And she did. But I put her through hell until then. And for that I'm forever sorry. Dealing with my insecurities and trust issues, she never deserved that, but she'll always deserve the best. I think about her day and night, knowing she's the one person I'd do anything for. To begin with, my only desire was to help her achieve her dreams and desires. But I fell for her, coming out of that toxic mess that led to her suffering from the damage. But I'm the only one to blame, and I'll never forgive myself for allowing it to happen - wanting whats best for her, but being her worst.

Now in current day, not a damn thing I'm doing wrong, I just know it's a product of the chain - jump into a new relationship, move so quickly, find things i dislike/annoy, leave. She doesn't deserve that either. She's strong, independent, and loving. But we're not compatible. Nows the time for me to self sabotage. This one for sure i know isn't meant to be - nothing in common, no same interests.


After this path I lead leaves a trail of destruction, I realize i was never meant for a relationship. I want what's best for the person, but not as a partner. I'm not meant for love. At the end of the day I just want to be alone. I don't want to come home from a day of dealing with people all day, just to deal with the responsibility of keeping someone in love with me. I enjoy my silence. I enjoy my freedom. I don't want anyone else to be affected by my shadows. I do, but I don't. It's exhausting. I'm tired.

And in the inevitability of her reading this, I hope you understand. Before things went to shit, you would.
 

lightning05

Well-Known Member
#2
Now in current day, not a damn thing I'm doing wrong, I just know it's a product of the chain - jump into a new relationship, move so quickly, find things i dislike/annoy, leave. She doesn't deserve that either. She's strong, independent, and loving. But we're not compatible. Nows the time for me to self sabotage. This one for sure i know isn't meant to be - nothing in common, no same interests
It sounds like you realize that this is a chain of behavior. If you want to make a connection with someone and for it to last then you have to break the chain. Instead of self sabotage why don't you just be honest with her and break it off? If she doesn't deserve to go through that then don't put her through it.
, I realize i was never meant for a relationship. I want what's best for the person, but not as a partner. I'm not meant for love. At the end of the day I just want to be alone. I don't want to come home from a day of dealing with people all day, just to deal with the responsibility of keeping someone in love with me.
I used to think like this and believe I was not meant for love. In my own personal experiences I stopped looking for love and focused on myself. I was single for years because I knew that I was not okay to be in a relationship and didn't want to put anyone through hell. We can't love others until we learn to love ourselves and we need to work on ourselves to be able to handle a relationship. Relationships are not easy. They require work from both people and honesty. It's hard as hell but once you find that someone special you are willing to put in the work to maintain your relationship, no matter what else you may have going on. With that being said there's nothing wrong with being single either and having that freedom. From your post it seems like you do want love and a meaningful relationship, it's just going to take some time, patience and unfortunately work. I hope you start feeling better soon *hug
 

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