I'm relatively new to this place, I hope you guys can help. I'm making a long post now so I'll write a brief intro if it helps. I'm 15, I have everything going for me in life, I'm relatively good at sports and popular enough in school. Some might consider my life fine and full of happiness, my problem is, the only thing I'm experiencing is a constant cycle of never ending unhappiness. I keep thinking I just fail at anything I try to do in-life. When I begin to get really depressed then I very seldomly start crying, I get a headache from that which then feels like I fail at trying to be less sad. I've spent the last year of my life trying to live up to the standards of my dad while he compares me to the top people my age in sports, school and crap like that. It seems no matter how hard I try to make him proud or happy with me it never pays off and when I ask for one small favor he rejects it for the stupidest of reasons. When I get depressed again I then start thinking of why I shouldn't be depressed at all, I start thinking I'm a coward who can't take the lows of life while there are people out there who have so much harder things to face in life and they just soldier on while I sit in my room just depressed, quiet and hostile towards my dad while I don't open up to my mom. When I start comparing my life to others it just makes me feel so much worse, I then get sadder and I compare again, I get sadder again. It just feels never ending. For some time I've thought of different things like suicide or running away, I just want to escape what is my life, just go away and live without control, work for my money, live life as I wish but then when I think of this or suicide I then make myself even sadder at the prospect of being so selfish and careless to my close friends and family, that I'd kill myself just because I can't take what is life on the chin and soldier on. It seems any alternative to help me or try and fix my sadness just makes me feel sadder. There have been so many times when I've held a knife to my throat or stood at the top of a cliff just trying to will up the courage to slice or to jump, but I can't, I can't face the pain or the prospect of making those I love feel as I feel, which then makes me think how selfish I am that I want to take my own life, making it further sadder. I know so far this post has made little to no sense. I just want someone to tell me they feel the same way, that I'm not alone, because right now it feels like I'm a tiny spec of shit all alone on the sole of societies clean shoe. I want to get help but I can't face the prospect of telling my parents, as I know it will devastate them knowing their son they've loved all their life and worked so hard so he can live in a nice neighborhood and attend a good school has spent the last 2 years of his life in constant sadness and wanted to commit suicide many times. I want help but I don't want to make my parents sad. I spend my whole life making sure others were happy, I always make sure my friends and family are happy and in the process it always seems I become even more emotionally sadder. The only times right now I feel happy is when I'm drunk or stoned, I'll act happy in front of family and friends but it feels like I'm crying under the surface. I feel I'm looking into my future and all I see is a life filled with lonlieness, depression, alcoholism and poverty. I feel no matter how hard I try in school and exams I can't get the results I want. My biggest problem I think is I can't tell people of my sadness as I said I'm a people pleaser. I wont allow myself to cry infront of others, cut myself or other obvious signs of depression as it will make my family and friends upset and uneasy about me, making their lives harder for them. I just want some way to make it stop but I can't find the courage to tell people and I wont allow myself to show people by harming myself or crying as I consider it a sign of weakness. Thank you so much if you have read to this point, it has probably made no sense so far, all I've done is write what's going through my head as if I was talking to someone. I just feel so lonely and sad but here I feel like everyone else, just in need of someone to say they feel the same way. If you've read even this far, you truly are a special person.